Our resident Blockaholic Jane Yee recaps the highs and lows from week eight of The Block NZ, including the moment that the schist hit the fan.
Whatever the opposite of hissing is, it’s happening on The Block right now. Eight weeks in and the fatigue has finally hit me. I’ve watched every damn episode ever made of this show and I’m just not sure that I care anymore. It doesn’t help that we’ve just had entrance, hall and stairway week (aka boring week).
That snoozefest made me want to stick pencils in my eyeballs, and yet here I am, still watching four and a half hours of this half-baked show each week because I got too far behind on MKR. More asinine challenges, more wheeling out MediaWorks stars. If it hadn’t been for The Dylsz’ pushing the envelope while everyone else licked stamps, I’d probably be clocking out all together.
1) ROOM REVEAL
Sunday night’s room reveal episode showcased the kitchen and dining rooms, the jewel in the crown of every Block season. I look forward to this reveal the most because I am a woman. As a gender, us women love cooking for our men and children.
So when four rather unremarkable kitchens were rolled out in front of my eager eyes, I threw down my tea towel in an uncharacteristic moment of reckless abandon. Sam and Emmett won, even though they left a massive f-off microwave on the bench and had stools that couldn’t accommodate the most wee of thighs, let alone The Dylsz giant quads of destruction.
2) THROWING SCHIST AT THE WALL
I have held the judges’ opinions in fairly high esteem, but when Fiona gave the Dylsz’ mock schist splashback the thumbs up and Paul begrudgingly excused it, I started yelling at the television. We’re talking about a photo of their bathroom wall made into a glass splashback. It sounds awful, because it is.
3) DISHCLOTH DECOR
One of my favourite moments this week was discovering The Dylsz had accessorised their kitchen with a chux cloth and scouring sponge. Tiff was shaking in her boots with this one.
4) HEAPSA GIB
Hello straws, fancy being clutched? WTF was this ‘big order of gib’ storyline? Attempting to make entrance/hallway/stairs week exciting is a fool’s errand, they should’ve just got the contestants drunk and played some games.
5) LOVE DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
Lies! Last week Semma had all the major media outlets believing they were a hot item. Exchanging flirty glances, they spoke of love and jackets and condoms. This week my suspicion that it was all just a bit of jiggery-pokery was confirmed. It was The Bachelor all over again. I’m not sure I believe in true love anymore.
Another love affair that’s at serious risk of imploding is the one between House Four and council inspector Glyn. There were no hugs to be had after some fuckwit flooded Sam and Emmett’s basement. It was moisture aplenty. Glyn didn’t even bother getting his prongs out, so confident was he of a big fat fail.
6) LOVE IN THE LIGHTBULBS
Move aside Pita Pit and Freedom Furniture, because Lighting Direct is the new star retailer in town. I think. Hard to say exactly because their not-an-official-partner logo was blurred out, but there was a lot of lime green in the store so I feel confident.
Glyn might not have been handing out the hugs this week, but there was no shortage of them at (probably) Lighting Direct.
While The Block site was rife with heartbreak, love was blossoming amongst the bulbs where a couple of sales cougars had developed megacrushes on The Dylsz. Or, more specifically, certain parts of The Dylsz.
7) TRADIES OF THE WEEK
As mentioned, the big drama of the week was A Lot of Gib. That meant a lot of gib fixing, and a lot of gib stopping. The usual gang of tradies was not enough to take on such A Lot of Gib, so some notable ring-ins joined the fray. I thoroughly enjoyed Emma and Courtney’s gib gang from Hungary, which is not the same place as Russia BTW Sam.
Even more exciting was a cameo from none other than Big Bad Bobby’s dad.
8) GAMECHANGER CHALLENGE
Really? Bowling fruit and vege at more fruit and vege for the pretty sweet prize of a minus one point, safecracker and an alarm system? Really?
Emmett won so no one could open their safe. With just two weeks to go, and two teams yet to crack theirs open, I’m wondering if the MediaWorks intern really thought this convoluted mess through?
9) OPEN MIC CHALLENGE
This challenge debuted last season and was phenomenally painful viewing. I felt confident we wouldn’t be subjected to it again because it was very bad television, and I’m sure Tiff felt the same or she would never have applied to be on the show.
If I wanted to see grown adults dress up in costume and put way too much effort into extremely embarrassing performances, then I’d sign up for church camp mate.
The prize? Some sweet cash and, more excitingly for you and I, the opportunity to take a team out of the running at room reveal.
The Blockstars were judged by Jono and Ben, much to Niki and Tiff’s disappointment. Those Team Yellow joygerms were ready to rain zeros down on the competition.
It started badly with Emma and Courtney putting on a music performance with some help from Brendon Thomas and The Vibes of X Factor. The less said about this the better.
Niki and Tiff had a blast slamming together a sweet comedy set that had us all ROFL-ing big time. God, such great gags.
Then things stepped up a thousand notches and got surprisingly good. Nay, great. Nay, kinda amazing! Big Dyls and Little Dylz donned outfits tighter than usual and executed some bloody intense acrobatic manoeuvres.
Finally a be-skivvied Sam and Emmett took the stage for a contemporary poetry performance that was in line with their regs MO of being both endearing and funny.
The Dylsz deservedly won the day, and also a little bit of my heart. It was just enough to keep me holding on, so yes, I’ll be back next week. I’m too deep in this schist to drop out now, and with only two weeks to go I can finally see a fleckle of light at the end of this townhouse tunnel.
The Block NZ airs Sunday 7pm and Mon-Wed at 7.30pm on TV3
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