Bachelor superfans Jane Yee and Tara Ward recap the highs and lows of week four of The Bachelorette NZ.
Tara Ward: Jane, I wanted to make a good impression on you for this week’s recap, so I came bearing gifts: a gnarly ring, a baby shark, and a container filled with raw fish. It’s a trio of romantic delights that would win over any Kiwi woman, so you can thank me later.
Jane Yee: I don’t care about your gifts (but also, thank you kindly), I only care about Jack. Bring back Jack!
TW: I feel your pain. It seemed like Jack and Lexie were going to be the love story of the season, until he left. They had passion. They had power. There was a raw…thing between them that they couldn’t verbalise into human words, which is usually all it takes in the Bachelor universe to secure a 4.5 carat three stone diamond and a happily-ever-after. What the heck happened?
JY: I don’t know but I do know it was a huge mistake. Gimme that raw thing over Hamish’s raw fish any day. Whatever it is that Lexie and Jack had, I want it. It’s just a shame that Lexie didn’t. Or Jack didn’t? It can’t possibly be because he is only 25 when Toddles is a mere year older and now in the final two.
TW: I was really hoping Lexie was going to catch Jack on the end of her fishing line during her home dates, because that would have been one heck of a twist.
JY: If there are plenty more Jacks in the sea, then pass me some flippers because I’m diving in.
TW: We said a sad goodbye to Jack, and Jesse tapped out while Todd was in the toilet. What did you think of Lexie’s home dates with Hamish, Joe, Todd and Paul? It always feels awkward, even though Lexie was super nice and said lovely things about the food and everyone immediately fell in love with her.
JY: Let’s start with Hamo. A spot of fishing. A broken down boat. Some timely rescuers that I was certain were going to reveal themselves as Ham’s friends and fam, but it turned out our lovely couple really were stranded. Apparently Hamish doesn’t know how to turn the key on his trusty vessel.
TW: If Hamish hadn’t giggled so much, I would have thought they were in real trouble. What if that was how this season ended? Lexie and Hamish stranded on his little boat, quietly drifting out to sea, the sound of Hamish’s giggles slowly getting further and further away. Slow fade, roll credits. I mean, imagine the ratings.
JY: I love nothing more than imagining those giggles getting further away. I can’t remember a thing about Hamish’s family, which must mean they were perfectly fine. Or I was distracted by all the giggling, hard to say. Tell you who doesn’t giggle, or show any real emotion at all, and that’s our man Joe. For his home date with Lexie he flat out ignored TLC’s instructions and went waterfall chasing. I’ve always wondered what’s behind a waterfall, and now I know: heaps of pashing.
TW: Joe’s mother was on to it, especially when he noticed Lexie did not like her left side, because that was where Joe was sitting. Then she made sure her dog was included in her family cuddle. What a woman.
JY: This was as close to any significant drama we’ve had all season. In three minutes Joe’s mum gave us more content than Joe has in four weeks. But the drama didn’t end there, bring in the Todd Squad!
TW: Has there ever been a home date by Skype in the world history of The Bachelor? These are unprecedented times, but I thought the trans-Tasman gnocchi making was cute. Less cute was the interrogation of Lexie by Todd’s friends, who wanted to know “what Lexie would bring to the table”. Did they ask Hamish the same thing as well? Is that why he keeps turning up with raw fish?
JY: If Lexie brought gnocchi to my table I would be giving her my stamp of approval, no questions asked. Literally none. Tweedledum and Tweedledee had no business trying to drive a wedge between Lexie and Todd. Thank god for old Mrs Brown, a beloved teacher from beloved Kawerau, and also a beloved grandma of Lexie’s.
TW: Only in New Zealand would an attempt to create a villain and a hero in a reality show be upstaged by both parties having a heartwarming link to an elderly grandmother living in a small town.
JY: Also only in New Zealand would you go from fine dining Paris style to donning a lavalava for some coconut shaving in the backyard, all in one date.
TW: I loved Paul’s family, which made it very sad when Lexie gave him the boot at the next rose ceremony. We barely had 10 minutes together, and now it’s over forever. Goodbye Paul with the good hair, and smell you later, Joe.
JY: I have to call Joe out for pulling the classic “you’re about to break up with me so I’m gonna beat you to it” routine. Up until then I had no feelings about Joe, but when he gazump dumped Lexie I felt like the trash had taken itself out. Smell you later indeed.
Now we’re down to the final two, Hamish and Todd, who both seemed to get along well with Lexie’s family, but Hamish had the edge with all that fish and kina chat. He also extended his advantage by tossing Todd under the Australian bus at every opportunity in the hope it would put Lexie’s loved ones off his rival.
TW: Hamish is a winner for choosing hot chocolate over coffee. I thought I was the only non-coffee freak in the world, but now there’s two of us, and frankly I feel much better about it. Who doesn’t want marshmallows with their hot drink? You’re missing out.
JY: Perhaps you and Hamish can get together for a hot choccie when this is all over. I feel like he’s going to have a lot of time on his hands. He surely won’t take the win given that Lexie hasn’t figured out if she likes him more than a friend (even though I’ve figured out that she doesn’t). An awkward “oh yup, see ya” at the end of your last date before the final rose is not what love stories are made of.
TW: Nah, it’s Hamish for the win. See you Monday night for the finale. I’ll bring the hot chocolates.
JY: I shall be waiting like a cockle in Toddy’s back pocket.