Ever wanted to buy a sonogram of Quinn’s baby from Glee? How about Dr. House’s bathrobe? Tara Ward shows you how.
If you’re a fan of Taika Waititi’s classic Kiwi romantic comedy Eagle and Shark and you’ve a spare hundred bucks rattling around down the back of the couch, then get thee to Screenbid immediately. There are two iconic, beloved, goddamned national treasures sitting in an American warehouse waiting for a new owner, and it could be you.
Screenbid is an online American auction site that lists niche and obscure items salvaged from popular TV shows and movies. One glimpse and you’ll fall down a rabbit hole of random collectibles that you may never resurface from. Items range in price from a few bucks into the high thousands, and the treasures anything from a 30 Rock Fear Factor lunchbox ($125) to Ruby’s Academy Award-winning undergarments from Cold Mountain ($2,000, all prices from here on in in USD).
For a mere $700, you can buy Jarrod’s Eagle costume and be the proud owner of a piece of New Zealand cinematic history. You can put your own beautiful head where Jemaine Clement put his when the Eagle Lord showed off his watch-wallet to the entire world. Touch those same feathers, feel that elastic ping under your chin, soak up any creative genius Jemaine left inside. How have these costumes not already been snapped up? Foolish suckas!
Sadly, the giant pencil candle from Eagle and Shark isn’t listed on Screenbid, but there’s plenty of weird and wonderful TV show stuff that is. Fancy spending $45,000 on Bill the Butcher’s trousers from Gangs of New York? No? Then this is all I have for you, read it and weep into your Mad Men Kleenex Boutique Pink Tissues ($50).
Spend $20 on this cheque for $2,000,000 from the set of Bones, and watch all your dreams come true. Simply change your name to Gary Gray, take your own bones down to the bank, and cackle wildly as the teller charges you a $3.00 cheque deposit fee for the pleasure. You’re a millionaire now, Gary Gray! $3.00 is nothing to you, you crazy bastard.
Alternatively, if the shit hits the fan, pull out this FBI note pad for $25, because you are a criminal now and I cannot be held responsible for your actions.
Hey look, it’s a sonogram of Quinn’s baby from Glee, that wackadoo show about a high school student who convinced her boyfriend they got pregnant from sitting in a hot tub and then sold the baby to the wife of her Glee club teacher. It’s $40, so jazz hands, spirit fingers, don’t stop believing.
Now we’re getting to the good stuff and when I say ‘good’ I mean WTAF:
Forget the one-eyed dog, buy yourself a new life. Become Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation by buying her name badge for a cool $99, or pretend you have syphilis with this charming Masters of Sex Veneral Disease Report Form ($75). If banking that fake million-dollar cheque went wrong, these Bates Motel’s Crime Scene Markers will come in handy, and if all else fails, spend a measly 70 bucks to buy Principal Foster’s Badger Costume from New Girl and hide away in a badger of shame.
I just spent all my money on the turkey baster Lindsay used to get pregnant in You’re the Worst, but if you’ve got spare cash please throw it at these TV treasures immediately:
The Office: Erin Hannon’s Paper Holder and Tape Dispenser ($250)
“They’re not very exciting or extravagant,” says the listing, but I’m stopping you there, Screenbid. Ever tried to live a life without sticky tape? It’s not good.
House: Dr Gregory House’s tumorous leg x-ray ($200)
Creepy? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you from inside my new badger costume. Make a note on your Mad Men vintage typewriter, because this is a piece of art to be framed and hung in the Louvre.
Mad Men: Don Draper’s 1963 Tax Return ($200)
I mean, why wouldn’t you?
Who knows what the heck a 6 Sigma Retreat Placard from 30 Rock is but it’s only $300, so SOLD to the lonely woman in a badger suit. You spin me right round, Alec Baldwin, right round.
If a spinning placard isn’t your jam (fools), snap up the sunglasses David Duchovny wore in Californication ($275), or this charming Sons of Anarchy skull ring($375), or for a mere $350, House’s bathrobe from, um, House.
Rib cage? No. Nicholas Cage? Definitely not. A Hotel Cortez Iron Maiden from American Horror Story for only $800? YES, PLEASE.
You might have an unlimited budget, but I’m the proud owner of a Master of Sex Lice and Shampoo Comb and a tube of glue once used in Bates Motel, so I think we all know who the winner is. If you need a crutch for your feelings, the answer is obvious:
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.