TelevisionAugust 25, 2017

Five iconic Kiwi brands Steve Hansen can shill for next


New Zealand’s unlikeliest spokesmodel is at it again, fronting a strangely timely apocalypse-themed ad campaign for Arnotts. But what other products should Steve Hansen put his unique talents behind? Lucy Zee has some suggestions.

Some of you might know Steve Hansen as the All Blacks coach who led us to victory at the last Rugby World Cup. But I know him as the master talent extraordinaire of commercials in the late 2010s.

Steve Hansen’s stern exterior is apparently an advertisers’ dream for middle New Zealand. Gone are the day of the young, cute, energetic but unrelatable actor/model/singer/presenter using their tight skin and sex appeal to sell products. Make way for the Steven Hansens of the country: straitlaced, sensible, buttoned up to the neck, just-finished-my-bowl-of-All-Bran-honey, no-nonsense Kiwi men.

Hansen is currently fronting the new Arnotts campaign. In the commercial he rides a motorcycle in a leather jacket through a post-apocalyptic Aotearoa. He also happens to be a spokesperson for Ray White Real Estate and is the face of Dominator Garages.

Steve Hansen is on a media roll and there’s no stopping him.

I see a huge future for Steve in advertising. He could be the face of every well-loved New Zealand product, so with that in mind here are my picks for Steve’s next commercial gigs.

Thin Lizzy

Natural Glow repackaged its product as Thin Lizzy to reach a younger, hipper consumer. Sales are strong and the product is used across the nation by women and men wanting a little bit of coverage for a natural every day look. If you think about it, an already flawless looking host putting makeup on them is kinda pointless right? Enter Steve Hansen, who is really beautiful on the inside. He has given a lot of himself to New Zealand sports, his face is weathered from being outdoors coaching the All Blacks to reach their full potential, he has stress lines from leading our team to victory and he’s not getting any younger. BUT with a little bit of Thin Lizzy, Steve can go from a 7 to a 10!

Air New Zealand

Air New Zealand safety videos are star-studded extravaganzas. Wacky and weird, they never fail to please the Kiwis who fly. In the past they’ve featured celebrities such as Katie Holmes, Bear Grylls and even an All Black who didn’t get selected for the team a month later. Hansen has done short videos for Air New Zealand but has not been the leading man of a safety video just yet.

Steve Hansen may be the most famous person in New Zealand soon, next to Taika Waititi and Melanie Lynskey. If Air NZ are smart and forward thinking, they’ll book him now before his agent increases his appearance fees.

The Briscoes Lady

The Briscoes lady is one of three iconic New Zealand women, the other two being Helen Clark and Lucy Lawless. There are no other more famous people than these three women.

You might think that telling the nation the price of Egyptian cotton handtowels is a superficial, meaningless job. It is not. How many of you have seen a Briscoes ad for a forthcoming sale and realised what an idiot you are for paying full price on duvet inners that one time.

Yeah you feel dumb right? Maybe you would have paid more attention if Steve Hansen was to tell you that percale sheets in any size were $199, now down to $139.99. You’d be LOSING money not buying them. Steve Hansen doesn’t need to shout like some desperate person selling too many vacuums or big sales on furniture. Steven Hansen will deliver information in a calm, soothing, almost bored tone and you will rush down to your local Briscoes store before the sale ends at midnight, you can thread count on that.

Food In a Minute

If there’s one thing Steve Hansen knows, it’s winning. There is strategy involved when playing rugby. It involves an almost recipe-like formula for winning. A recipe for success, if you will. With the right recipe and skills, you could be cooking up a storm of success on the field.

Still don’t think cooking and rugby go together? Then think about this:

Need to warm up the team? Warming your oven to the right temperature yields great results.

Need the boys to get in line? Wattie’s frozen fries are best cooked on a lined tray.

Need to perfect the tackle? Why not tackle a meal in less than a minute?

Rugby and cooking go hand in hand. There is nothing more relatable than this. Steve Hansen is the perfect man to host the next Wattie’s Food In a Minute series.

Bonds and Jockey underwear

Dan Carter, Matilda Rice, Frankie Adams,, Jamie McDell. What do all these Kiwis have in common, apart from being beautiful? They’re all underwear models!

You might think a person needs to look a certain way, or be a high level of hotness, but on Bonds’ website under the ‘About Us’ page they clearly state “Bonds is for everyone.”

EVERYONE. And the last I checked, that also means older men in their fifties who aren’t entirely at their fitness peak. With Catfish selfies, Photoshop and Snapchat beauty filters, the world is getting sick and tired of fakeness. Realness is the new hot and there is no one more real than Steve Hansen.

Not saying he needs to get down to skimpy undies, but he could do a tasteful shoot with a realistic body much like Eddie Huang did with MeUndies. No body shaming, just natural beauty and attitude. It’s time for Steve Hansen to challenge New Zealand to think different about bodies.

If anyone can do it, Steve can.

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Mad Chapman, Editor
Aotearoa continues to adapt to a new reality and The Spinoff is right there, sorting fact from fiction to bring you the latest updates and biggest stories. Help us continue this coverage, and so much more, by supporting The Spinoff Members.Madeleine Chapman, EditorJoin Members

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