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Top ten moments from a very sad episode of Outlander

Superfan Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from ‘All Debts Paid’, the third episode of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously. 

[Editor’s note: Before we go any further, if you haven’t watched the third episode of Outlander and don’t want a major plot point spoiled then YOU SHALL NOT PASS. Otherwise, please enjoy.]

I’m 89% certain that Mariah Carey was thinking about Frank Randall and me when she wrote the lyrics to timeless 90s classic ‘Hero’. Stop pretending you don’t know how it goes: there’s a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don’t have to be afraid of what you are. It’s advice for the ages, practically Shakespeare, but I’m afraid it won’t do anything to help the Frank sized hole that now lies within my cold, dead heart.

RIP Frank, RIP his hipster glasses, RIP life itself. Killed in a car accident, Frank leaves us with only the sound of open marriages and broken boilers ringing in our mournful ears.

All Frank wanted was a wife who loved him and some quality tea leaves. Is that too much to ask? He accepted Claire’s batshit time-travel story, raised another man’s child, looked bloody good in a three piece suit. For pity’s sake, the man was a war spy for MI6, he shouted “HERO” louder than Bonnie Prince Charlie shouted “I GOT BIT BY A MONKEY”.

Look, not all heroes wear capes, sometimes they wear turtlenecks and glasses and they cook a fry-up without staining their white shirt. But if you’re still a Frank hater after that infallible scientific argument then I suggest you make like Jamie Fraser and hide yourself in the nearest peat hole.

While Claire’s single tear dripped onto dead Frank’s face, her eighteenth-century husband larked it up in the slammer with Lord John Grey. Can we agree that prison suits Jamie a shit-ton more than last week’s ‘hairy man cave’ situation?

Yes, I think we can. New BFF Lord John was a sensitive chap who fell for the charms of our favourite hot potato, hooking Jamie up with a job on an estate where there are heaps of holes to leap into, all day, every day.

As for Claire, no amount of triple martinis could improve her lot. A “fucking harlot” gatecrashed her graduation, her dog is so enormous it’s probably part horse, and Frank reckons green isn’t her colour. What the heck is Frank talking about, every wall in their house is painted green! Is this what it feels like to be conflicted about Frank? I won’t be having it.

Let’s make like a Highland rabbit in a prisoner’s trap and snare ourselves the top ten moments from episode three of Outlander, S3.

1) Murtagh lives

Hold the phone, stop the bus and come out of your ginger man-cave, because Murtagh is alive. ALIVE, I TELL YOU! Not only does Murtagh live and breathe, he’s now a tasty silver fox adored by rats and gingers the world over.

Like a tartan sunrise, Murtagh was a vision gone too soon. Come back, we miss you like Claire misses freckles.

2) Lord John Grey is swallowed alive by his own cravat

Rocking the Lestat vibe, but it’s fine, I’m sure it’s fine.

3) When the shit hits Claire’s fan she goes straight to the bar

You reckon meeting Frank’s mistress would destroy Our Claire? Please. This is the woman who was captured by her husband’s ancestor, held prisoner with a knife to her nipple, and only escaped after her second husband busted through a window brandishing a pistol and a smoulder. Now THAT was a shocking situation.

 

4) Random bloke speaks gibberish

Also me explaining parts of season two to non-Outlander fans.

5) Jamie talks dirty to the hungry prisoners

Never has a pheasant casserole sounded so saucy.

6) Drunk Frank breaks out the pointy finger, throws a cushion and admits he sucks at charades

Was Claire angry about her marriage, or just the cushion? Hard to know.

Go sit on the naughty step Frank, and tell us again about your girlfriend’s PhD Fellowship in Historical Linguistics. That’s a yarn to end all yarns, especially if it involves the Randalls playing drunk Charades. They’d be a right hoot at dinner parties: “it’s an 18th century person, two words, first word sounds like ‘pot’, second word rhymes with ‘lotato’.”

7) Someone needs a hug

Sing it, Lord: it’s a long road when you face the world alone, no-one reaching out a hand for you to hold. Woahahh. #beyourownhero #ifMariahsaysititstrue #notlikeyouliveinacave

8) Claire admits no amount of time could make her forget Jamie

 

9) Jamie asks Lord John to kill him but Lord John refuses because #hairgoals

Understandable.

 

10) Goodbye my lover, goodbye my Frank

First word, one syllable, sounds like ‘shed’.

Meanwhile in 2017, it me:

Important question: what happened to Frank’s glasses after he died? I like to imagine Claire wearing them after one too many martinis, cooking an English fry-up while wanging on about teabags and historical linguistics. Oh Frank, how we’ll miss you.


Click below to watch Outlander season three, available express and exclusively on Lightbox:

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