Our resident Outlander fanatic Tara Ward shares her thoughts from the much-anticipated return of time-travel romance series. Contains spoilers. And smoulders.
Shakespeare once wrote “war, huh, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” That dude knew what he was talking about, because there is NOTHING good about ‘The Hail Mary’.
Calm down, Outsplainers: I’m talking about the depressing atmosphere in the honeymooner’s paradise of Inverness.
Welcome to Inverness, population: misery. The Jacobite army gathered on the city outskirts, starved and exhausted. Rupert only had one eye. There was more grime than the inside of my oven, while the stench of wet wool would anesthetize the hardiest of warriors.
The penultimate episode of season two tied up plenty of loose ends. Colum bequeathed his fur coats to Jamie and then died. Alex bequeathed his pregnant girlfriend Mary to his brother Jonathan Randall, and then died. Jamie got his knees out, Charles Stuart got lost, and Murtagh stayed hairy.
But what of our Cassandra, our tormented visionary? Claire’s return to Inverness was what Oprah would call a ‘full circle moment’. Rather than update her gratitude journal, Claire showcased her extensive knowledge of smoky medicine. Let’s thank our lucky stars Claire was a WWII nurse and not a mechanic or a tank driver. It’d be tricky to cure TB with a screwdriver.
The Battle of Culloden is days away. Can Jamie’s supple skin change the future/protect all we hold dear/save the Highland culture as we know it?
Of course not. It’s skin. His knees, however, could quite possible turn the world on its head.
1) Rupert and the Other Guy propose a powerful new battle tactic
“It’s time we turned around and showed them our faces,” the Other Guy tells Rupert. Great idea – one terrifying look from those filthy Highland soldiers will have the British fleeing quicker than you can say ‘independence referendum’.
2) J-Fray knows what the war effort kneeds
With nothing left to lose – apart from his own life and ‘everything that we hold dear’ – Jamie takes matters into his own hands/knees. Where witchcraft, deceit and treachery have failed, Jamie’s secret weapon cannot.
I introduce to you: the Fraser Kneecap.
One look at this steely joint will render Charles Stuart powerless, saving lives and changing history forever. Jamie and Claire will live a happy life together eating bannocks in bed until they literally burst with happiness, covering the Scottish Highlands in a fine, downy mist of ginger curls and fierce determination.
That’s it, job done, thanks for coming. Forget the Hail Mary – ALL HAIL THE KNEECAP.
3) Here’s Johnny!
4) Memo to self: never holiday in Inverness
There were problems aplenty in Mary’s crib. She was pregnant, Alex could barely breathe and – worst of all – his hair was super greasy. When will Claire potion up some dry shampoo? The entire Highland population would thank her for it.
5) They don’t call him Bonnie for nothing
Charles Stuart has this war palaver sorted. While his soldiers lie outside in the cold, ridden with fungus and eating endless bowls of grass soup (paleo warriors rejoice), Charles Stuart warms his knees by the fire and schools his squad on how to get maximum flounce from their shirt sleeves.
Charlie’s here for a good time, not a long time. The sooner those dolts finish their lettuce smoothies and finish off the British, the better. That throne won’t claim itself.
6) Colum channels Falcor from The Never Ending Story
Let’s not take it any fur-ther.
7) Claire, this is not the time for party games
I wish Claire had taken Jamie on a jaunt to find Claire’s 1945 B&B site, so that Jamie could see where his ghost will stand in 200 years time. Dead spirits are so romantic, gets me right in the feels.
8) I bloody love a good wedding
This, however, was not one. Mary sobbed while Black Jack squirmed and grimaced like Alex had put a gecko down his pants. Those crazy Randall brothers! Let’s hope Murtagh caught the bouquet, because he has about 48 hours of life left to make some little lady very happy.
Jamie got his glad-eye on when Claire talked about poking someone with a sword. It’s not a euphemism, Big Red, so put your knees away.
10) What the hell just happened?!
Did Black Jack Randall just punch his dead brother? NO, NO, NO. Fighting with a corpse is a little one-sided and a whole lot creepy. It’s up there with wearing underwear with holes in it, or eating the last chocolate biscuit: NEVER A GOOD LOOK.
Can Murtagh send in the hairy cows to trample over this monster?
11) Colum falls off a horse and lands in the valley of death
Dougal thought Colum was being rude by not responding to his hilarious story about falling off a horse, but it was mostly because Colum was dead. Dougal’s face began to wobble like a heavily-bearded jelly on a plate. Mmm, jelly.
I thought Dougal’s eyes also welled with tears – but that must have been from the hoard of midges that flew out of Colum’s fur pyjamas, because that horse story was hilarious.
Pour yourself a dram and dive into the new season Outlander on Lightbox below (new episodes arriving every Sunday at 7pm)
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