We all know Suits. It’s the show where lawyers outwit those around them, fall in love, fall in almost-love and wade in the murky waters between what is legal and what is good. It’s a rollicking good time of a show, where people are dressed nice and always have something witty to say before they leave a scene. It’s all very glamour, very business, very New York.
But what if it… wasn’t?
Inspired by Lightbox’s new promo videos (helpfully embedded for you below), I decided to imagine up a scenario of what Suits would look like if it was set in your average rural New Zealand town. In order to not offend anybody who lives in your average rural town, I have invented one for the purposes of this exercise: Farmerton, a town with all your rural needs: dairy farming, a pub and eatery and . (I am a very creative man.)
— Lightbox (@LightboxNZ) March 27, 2018
So without further ado, here is your rundown of the characters of Suits and who they would be in the very fictional Suits NZ:
Who he is on Suits: He’s Harvey! Protagonist, managing partner at Pearson Specter Litt, charming rake of a man who apparently once dated Elizabeth Hurley. Season seven finds him dealing with being in charge of the firm and his own tortured relationship to lunch.
Who he is on Suits NZ: He grew up in Farmerton, went to the Big Smoke to get his law degree and came back home to take up a job at the biggest law firm in a hundred kilometre radius. He’s the kind of guy wasn’t head boy but he was close enough that you misremember him as head boy. He goes to WOMAD every year not because he wants to, but because he can afford it. Gets his hair cut in Palmerston North.
Who he is on Suits: Mike Ross is an associate at Pearson Spencer Litt who has a big secret: he doesn’t actually have a law degree. In season seven he’s working for PSL again after leaving them at the end of last season, and working through his on-again-off-again relationship with Rachel.
Who he is on Suits NZ: Mike Ross would be the guy who runs the trivia at the pub who is secretly the smartest guy in town, and can fix everything in your house despite not being qualified to do so. He has a bizarrely good haircut, and you suspect he cuts his own hair and is somehow talented at that too. His big secret is that he’s actually from Auckland, but he says he’s from New Plymouth.
Who he is on Suits: The loud name partner at PSL who shouts at everybody, but has a secret soft and tortured side. In season seven, he’s dealing with power struggles at the firm, and is finally dealing with his own inner demons after his relationship with Tara went down the drain.
Who he is on Suits NZ: He is absolutely the guy who runs for mayor and comes in second place, has run for mayor each time, losing by a larger margin each time. Has a wife who lives a few cities over; people forget her name, but not her existence.
Who she is on Suits: The effortlessly glamourous and stately Rachel Zane used to be a paralegal at PSL but has slowly worked her way up to associate. She’s also in an on-again/off-again dalliance with Mike, and with season eight seeing the departure of Meghan Markle, we’re on the edge of our seats to see how Rachel leaves us.
Who she is on Suits NZ: A goddess among us. The woman who is inexplicably good to those around her, kind-hearted, intelligent, and you’ve never heard her say an unwarranted unkind word about anybody. If she tells you you’ve done something wrong, you just want to make sure you never do that thing again. She runs the essential oil company in Farmerton, started by her mother, and which makes her a modest living due to her loyal fanbase within the town.
Who she is on Suits: Donna is like the mirror image of Harvey. They’re both competent but she has a staunch moral code that, charitably, lines up more with the letter of the law than Harvey’s does. In season seven, Donna decides she wants more for PSL and starts to assert herself at the company in big and relationship-shifting ways, at least for her and Harvey.
Who she is on Suits NZ: She owns the best bar in town, she’s kind of woman who calls people ‘hun’ and has their drink prepared before they get to the bar. She’s the kind of person who will call someone’s wife to come and get them before she calls the cops on them, but she absolutely will call the cops on the if it’s necessary. She and the NZ Harvey were a thing in high school, but she’d never admit it.
Who she is on Suits: Jessica Pearson is one of the founding and name partners of PSL, and she ran the company for the six preceding seasons. She’s in charge, she plays it safe, and she knows when to hold ’em, and as they say, when to fold ’em. Season seven finds Jessica Pearson in a reduced but no less pivotal role, and it mostly revolves
Who she is on Suits NZ: The mayor. She runs the town, kinds of wish she didn’t, stays around longer than she really needs to, but she’s the best at this job so she does it.
Who she is on Suits: Gretchen, who replaces Donna as Harvey’s legal secretary, is my favourite character on Suits, and every moment Aloma Wright is on screen she’s an utter delight. Are there more prominent characters on Suits? Sure. Are there more vital characters? Absolutely not. #gretchenforlife
Who she is on Suits NZ: The woman who carries everybody’s burden and her only reward is being absolutely correct all the time. She dreams of getting out of this godforsaken town, but settles for being the best person in it. She is good here, she feels right here.
A new episode of the seventh season of Suits drops weekly on Lightbox from March 29.
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