The Bachelor AU has what the Bachelor NZ lacked: Faces.

The Bachelor AU, week 2: A woman literally reads her diary on national TV

With the first week of The Bachelor: Australia coming at us full noise, there was every worry that the show could only go downhill. Fear not, for the Honey Badger and his competing ladies are back with more drama than ever. Miriam Moore recaps.

Week two starts with a bang: The Honey Badger delivers the first date card to Brit, along with the hint that this pair have crossed paths in the past. Cass is predictably devastated. Having been born in the same place, Brit says she feels like she and Nick already have a connection. I was born in the same city as Ben Lummis, and I concur: you can’t take that away.

Exchanging mutual likes of each other’s hats, pants and faces, Nick turns up to the date on a boat and takes Brit to play “footgolf”, the first of a series of stupid made-up sports dates this week. Brit discovers there is more to Nick than that goofy personality, and “peels back his layers like an onion”. Be careful Brit, you must remember that ogres have layers too.

When the date reaches its intimate poolside stage, they share the top three traits they hope for in a partner. Nick’s are honesty, purpose and pashin’. Sorry, passion. Easy to confuse the two after this week’s smooch-fest. Brit steals the first rose and the first of the said smooches. To be honest, their date left me feeling like they are two genuinely wonderful and lovely people.  

Alpacas, for some reason.

The first group date begins with the chance to win a date with Nick, through the very normal task of balancing a ball on a straw via handshake. To make this group date less weird, some hungry alpacas are present. The winners of this challenge then have to prance across a log, before the top three get to smash the wooden hearts of their competitors if they correctly answer questions about Nick. Apparently I’ve been trying to score dates the wrong way for quite some time.

Despite a sassy Cat not seeing Vanessa Sunshine as a threat, Little Miss Sunshine wins the date without a smile to be seen. An incredibly awkward private couch sesh follows. When Nick asks what she likes to do on weekends, Vanessa Sunshine thinks he doesn’t know what brunch is. She explains it’s a meal they have in Melbourne between breakfast and lunch. I slowly pull my turtleneck over my face so I don’t have to watch anymore.

Brit’s successful date inspires Brooke to use her highly valuable key to the “Bachpad”, which she was awarded last week. Dressed in silky milky pajamas, Brooke rocks up, breakfast basket in hand, and knocks on the door despite having a key. The other girls should definitely take advantage of this flaw in the key system.

Golf-carting, also a completely normal dating activity.

The brekkie in bed is a hit, with Nick unable to refuse the temptation of a bacon and egg roll. Brooke has a second surprise, whipping out her rugby boots, and they escape to the back yard. Here she tackles Nick to the ground, where he fakes needing CPR. His first aid training roleplay works, and they ensue a glorious pash on the grass, which is followed by Brooke receiving a highly coveted rose.

Back at the cocktail party Cass confesses her love at first sight to Nick after reading her diary aloud. It’s awkward as anything but you can’t help but be proud of the girl, because Nick needs to know how goddamned obsessed she is. The situation he’s in (namely that he is on international television with a woman who is obsessed with him) finally hits home.

Meanwhile Shannon confronts Cat with what we’re all thinking, accusing her of getting her kicks from insulting others. Cat is outraged, but Shannon is on point, and I will be printing a range of Team Shannon tees for distribution.

At the rose ceremony Cayla, Kayla and Christina are eliminated. Cayla bravely takes Nick outside for a word, correctly informing him that Romy and Cat are essentially the worst people on earth. I can’t help but think that if Cayla wasn’t a certified energy healer Nick might appreciate this information more.

Fly-fishing, a completely normal activity.

In the fourth episode we begin with Darsha the Russian gymnast donning some “Darth Waders” to try her hand at fly fishing on a solo date with Nick. Having revealed the truth about her young “whippersnapper”, Leon, at home, Nick is intrigued by what this beautiful, mysterious mother has to offer. They exchange a passionate kiss and Nick asks her if she will accept a rose in Russian, while I weep into my cup of tea.  

Another group date follows, featuring another stupid made-up sport involving Styrofoam arrows and blow up (Western themed?) obstacles. The two team leaders are Cat and Shannon, which after yesterday’s catfight is not even a remotely subtle move by the producers (TEAM SHANNON!).  

Nick gives his team a weird metaphorical speech about mice churning cream into butter, which Cat takes far too literally. She nonetheless wins the solo date, which happens in the very natural setting of a gazebo on an empty stadium field. Once again, I’m clearly doing dating wrong. Cat goes in for the kiss and the nation joins me in a Mexican wave as she is rejected.

For the first time I agree with Romy, who back at the cocktail party describes Cass as a “nauseous, uneasy, hot mess” who was “in love with the bachelor before she came on the show”. Cass whimpers in a corner as she watches every other girl talk to Nick.

Fearing she’s becoming Shanonymous, original frontrunner Shannon steals the final chat of the evening, which kind Cass lets her have. Cass cannot even complete her interviews with the producers because she is so focused on watching other girls talk to him at the party. You can’t help but feel for the girl and how unhealthy this situation is for her.

I confuse the rest of the cocktail party for an episode of J’amie: Private School Girl, as the viewers are subjected to Cat and Romy gossiping relentlessly about the other girls’ lack of personality.

In a dramatic rose ceremony, Cass is the last to receive a rose, whereas we all just wish she was sent home to ease the blow she’ll eventually receive. Steph and Aleksandra get the boot, with Steph claiming she can’t believe she shaved her legs for this. Nick rightfully agrees. What a shit show.


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