We’ve come to the end of our Bachelor NZ journey, so which woman did Moses Mackay give his final rose? Tara Ward delivers her final power rankings.
Mates, we made it. The golden paddleboard of love has finally taken us to shore, and we rode that wave right to the bitter end. Tonight, after dating 22 women over four hectic weeks of water sports and retirement home visits, Bachelor Moses Mackay gave his final rose to Annie.
It’s a happy ending, but is it the one we deserved? This season of The Bachelor NZ was a bit like the pineapple pie Shenae made for Moses during the home visits, a budget tray bursting with delicious potential, but ultimately filled with empty calories. Now, after hoovering up the whole thing in record time like the greedy love bastards we are, we’re left with a feeling of regret. What the heck did we just consume?
It’s been a heck of a season, and this final week was an emotional one. Moses kept his feelings low key, but there were plenty of worries from the final three women as they went on home dates and group dates and enjoyed heaps of pashes. Moses sang about his Bachelor journey at a retirement home, and asked his girlfriends deep questions like “do you like cleaning?” and “when you were a kid, did you climb up the wall in your hallway?” They admitted they did, and it was like he was staring straight into their souls.
It wasn’t clear until the final moments who would win Moses’s heart. He spent the week cuddling stray dogs and threatening not to choose anyone, before forming what appeared to be a meaningful connection with Shenae. In what felt like the only spontaneously authentic moment this season, he improvised a song during their final date and they seemed genuinely relaxed and balanced in each other’s company. He even showed her how to cut a fish open from its bumhole. They could have had fish pie at their wedding.
But Moses chose Annie, and Shenae left with only 21 new BFFs and bittersweet memories of all those cocktail party cheese boards. “If it feels light, it must be right,” Moses said of his relationship with Annie, and I predict they’ll have a fabulous career ahead on the retirement village circuit. Annie could perform some beautiful interpretive dance while Moses sings a charming ditty about that one time he had 22 girlfriends on national television, and I will be the elderly woman sitting in the front row falling over from the excitement of it all.
I’ve never been so happy for someone to give out the final rose. Enough is enough, let’s chew over the final few tasty morsels from this weird slice of love pie.
Was it only Monday that Chanel left us? It feels like a lifetime ago when she decided to leave, unwilling to introduce Moses to her family when they’d only spent approximately five seconds together. She told him how grateful she was and he said he sees her and appreciates her, and then she left so he couldn’t see or appreciate her any more. Fly free, glorious Chanel Excel, may your magnificent spreadsheets fulfil you in ways that this bizarre season never could.
Lana’s home visit began with a hiss and a roar after Moses made some amazingly corny vegetable jokes with his potential mother-in-law. A pretend phone conversation between a broccoli and capsicum? I see you and I appreciate you, vegetables, but please don’t call this number again.
Sadly, Moses isn’t looking for a relationship based on prank calls from vegetables, and this was the end of Lana’s journey. She was sent home after the final cocktail party, which may or may not have been held in a fancy carport. Gravel is romantic, and I won’t hear a word said against it.
Moses showing Shenae where to find a fish bumhole during their final date was an ominous sign, because nobody says “bumhole” when they’re in love, not even bumhole doctors. It was a bumhole of an ending for Shenae, because things were looking so promising. She’d impressed Moses’ mother, and agreed to stay overnight at the fantasy suite to make the most of her camera-free time with The Bach.
That fish has a lot to answer for. Shenae’s ending felt unnecessarily blunt, and Moses barely offered an explanation as to why he didn’t choose her. “It’s not you,” was all he said, though Shenae responded with class and composure. Did Tarot Megan see this coming at The Boot? The hell she did.
Was it the romantic kiss in the Dunedin rain that sealed the deal? Was that the sign from the gods that Annie was the one, even though her brother grilled Moses like he was a piece of cheese and she couldn’t look Moses in the eye when he sang to her? Also, if they filmed this show across four weeks and Annie came in halfway through as an intruder, does that mean Moses had only known her for…just over a fortnight?
So many questions, but none of them matter now. Moses and Annie had an instant connection that blossomed through the power of sea kayaking and river rafting, culminating in the day she agreed to wear his Pascoes-sponsored diamond ring on her pinky finger. It’s the happiest ending we could expect from this ridiculously short season, so like the broccoli and the capsicum, let’s hope these two have a lovely time together in life’s great salad.