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Jane Yee* on The Block: why was everyone so chilled out?

*With Jane Yee away this week, Tara Ward steps in to talk vibes, chill, and more vibes on week five of The Block NZ.

Kitchen and Dining Week on The Block NZ was all about ‘the vibe’. Dennis Denuto would be stoked, because there were vibes everywhere: good ones, bad ones, giant neon purple hand ones. Even The Wolf was feeling the vibes, though maybe that was an ill effect of staring too closely at Andy and Nate’s magic eye splashback tiles.

The Blockheads were determined to chill this week, and nary a ripple of ill will was felt in the tepid waters of The Block NZ. The twins slept through 9,000 alarms, Stace and Yanita painted their ceiling a million times, and Ling and Zing brushed their hair. It was a week of Karitane-yellow cupboards and decapitating microwaves and a reminder that whatever life throws at us, we must be bold, rock on and dance like nobody is watching.

Let us rage against the dying of the neon light as we slide into this recap like fluffy socks on a freshly polished floor. Also, shout out to this timeless light feature, currently on sale at a Freedom store near you.

1. Ling and Zing

Look, they didn’t win this week but they bloody well should have, mostly because they included a 100% vintage lighting feature that blew the other houses’ efforts to tiny neon smithereens.

This week was all about The Chill for the Ings, who busied themselves eating eclairs and brushing their mos while still pulling off a cracking good kitchen. Might have been the box of nice gestures they got from their girlfriends, might have been the three smokos in one day, but either way they’re feeling good about themselves and it shows in their choice of flooring and accessories. Chuck a few more candles around, fellas, and you’ve got this whole shamozzle in the bag.

2. Julia and Ali

Ali aka “a bag of laughs” showed silence is powerful, because it was a miracle anyone survived this terrifying staredown during the Great Broken Benchtop Catastrophe of 2017.

But wait, shitloads of those ye olde marble statues have broken arms and legs and you don’t see Michaelangelo dishing the death stare out willy-nilly to his tradies. Or do you? Hard to know. Either way, Ali could just bust out the PVA glue and bish bosh bash, you can literally rock on and chill down and buzz out.

Luckily the rivers of Auckland flow pure replacement marble and Julia and Ali pulled a win out of the bag like they were Selwyn Toogood in Eketahuna circa 1984. This was despite Jason moaning about banging his head when using the microwave, but tbh Julia and Ali storm up the power rankings purely for making Jason say “gadonk” on national television.

3. Andy and Nate

Run for your lives, because The Dads just bought sexy back to Kitchen and Dining Week. Scatter some rose petals and slip into something more comfortable as you breathe in their romantic black kitchen, where wild hand gestures roam free and bold splashback designs made the judges rock on like it was 2015 all over again.

The Dads were saved from the bottom of the power rankings by this excellent dance party. Nothing says ‘sexy and romantic kitchen’ like an impromptu piece of interpretive dance. And if four grown men moving like robots in front of a purple neon finger doesn’t bring out all the feels then I have nothing for you.

4. Stace and Yanita

Bless Stace and Yanita, whose endless fathoms of positivity and optimism have me throwing a million dirty shakas at anyone who dares to score them poorly. Alas, their plans for an easy week slid down the mountain of renovation dreams quicker than a hairbrush through Zing’s facial hair.

A nauseating combo of no sleep and orange disco kitchen lights struck Yanita right to her core and she had to hide under her bed, which is exactly how I prefer to adult. Stay there Yanita, because Jason just went to town on the lack of power points in your kitchen. What’s wrong with boiling the jug in the pantry? Seems fine to me, Jase can gadonk right off.

I mean they made him muffins WHAT MORE DOES HE NEED.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Mark shouting at a stairwell to hurry up.

He’s still H-Lo from The Block

Welcome back to former contestant Hayden, who was amped to unleash some gadonkingly great ‘black kitchen splashback PTSD’ on fave judge Jason.


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