Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including rashes, a ghost, and conceiving babies in hospital corridors.
1) Curtis takes one for the team
Life was grand for old mate Curtis, but no amount of pashing Esther in the hospital café could stop him becoming tangled in Cam’s web of lies. Somebody needs to dust, ASAP, because that bloody web is taking over all of Ferndale.
Here’s the low down on the hoedown. Curtis lied about dealing the drugs to protect Jack, who hid the drugs to protect Cam, who first stole the drugs from Clay the Dead Cocaine Dealer. Cam wasn’t arrested, thanks to Dead Clay’s boss’ undercover cop sidekick Darryl, the same bloke Jack pashed months ago when the Curtis family went camping to meet Margaret, who was on the run from the police and was later hunted down by Victoria, who tried to kill the entire family by blowing up their caravan.
No wonder Curtis admitted to dealing. It’s a far less complicated story.
2) Melissa the House Ghost makes Boyd come out in a rash
Melissa makes me come out in a rash, too, and then she makes me want to scoop out my eyes with a spoon. Melissa isn’t even a scary ghost. The weirdest thing she did this week was laugh at Boyd – which, let’s be honest, we’re all guilty of – and leave the first aid kit on the kitchen table. OMG, run for your lives, those ghost sticking plasters will haunt us all.
That’s not an ‘M” on Boyd’s arm, it’s a W for WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER.
3) Cam turns a whiter shade of pale
Cam became paler as the week progressed, his ashen complexion moving through more shades of white than the paint section at Bunnings. Just what was pasty Cam’s problem? Was it the missing cocaine, the fact his dealer died at the IV, or the immense pressure of creating a new Halloween themed menu?
Hard to know, but I can’t wait to hear Cam’s hilarious menu story. It always involves some organic gnocchi and dodgy mushrooms and oh, my sides.
4) Lucy’s dreams come true
Ali and Lucy realised they’ll never afford a house, mostly because their car needs new tyres. Hard decision – tyres or a mortgage – so they decided to have a baby instead. Great idea, kids are cheap as.
“Let’s start right now!” suggested Ali. What, conceive in the hospital corridor? It was both a romantic and impractical suggestion – unless Ali was still talking about the tyres, in which case they should totally go for it.
5) Mo’s year continues to be shithouse
That face when your daughter is dead, your wife is in prison, your eldest son was arrested for a crime he didn’t commit, and your other son is in love with a dropkick drug user with permanent menu-issues. Your last girlfriend was a psychopathic murderer, and you walk with a limp because you broke your leg falling off a bouncy castle.
Still, it could be worse. At least Mo doesn’t live with Melissa the House Ghost.
6) Harper gets mad, and then she gets even
Kind of, but not really. ‘Even’ in Harper’s book is writing a sternly worded letter of resignation, outlining her distress and anger at being the only doctor left in the North Island, or something.
Hopefully she printed the letter in Comic Sans, because that’ll really put the shits up Rajiv.
7) Damo makes the corn go pop
Nothing to see here, people, move right along.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.