Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from ‘Creme de Menthe’, the seventh episode of Outlander season three. Contains major spoilers, obviously.
There were bedroom hijinks aplenty in this week’s episode of Outlander, but sadly none of them involved Jamie Fraser’s naked butt cheeks. I thought Jamie’s post-coital wig was the worst crime their bedroom would ever see, but in ‘Creme de Menthe’ it was the site of an attempted murder, a grisly brain operation and a heated argument about swimming togs.
Claire’s only been back for 24 hours, but stuff me into a barrel of booze and roll me down the Royal Mile, because the Outlander reunion bubble is well and truly popped.
‘Crème de Menthe’ put everyone in a bad mood. Claire was like “OMG Jamie, you’re such a liar” and Jamie was all “may I remind you about Paris, plus you let our daughter wear a bikini.” Claire replied she’d tried to wipe most of season two from her memory, but if he thought bikinis were cool then wait until he heard about Frank’s turtleneck jumpers, they were AMAZING.
Where was Geordie while all this was going on? He wouldn’t have put up with their shit.
But who needs hot romance when there’s adventure pouring forth like a blood clot released from a human skull? Claire drilled into an excise man’s brain, Jamie chucked a dead body into a vat of French alcohol, and Vernon from Coronation Street made everyone’s lives a misery. Young Ian had fire burning in both his pants and the print shop, and the entire city, nay, the entire world was going down in a giant ball of flames.
18th century Edinburgh was a barrel of laughs, a barrel of illegal spirits, a barrel of single tears falling at the feet of everyone Claire meets.
Spare a thought for the women of Crème de Menthe, who were mostly prostitutes, mentally unwell spinsters, or wenchy barmaids. Even our hero Claire seemed out of sorts, given she’d just reunited with the man she’d pined over for 20 years. Where was that hilarious scene where she wore Jamie’s tricorne and drunkenly threw grapes at his sleeping carcass? Wait, that exists only in my dreams, alongside Murtagh juggling 14 triangles of camembert with his beard. What can I say? I like cheese.
Let’s pour ourselves a long, cool drink of ‘Crème de Menthe’ and gulp down these top ten moments like we just saw a barmaid with the best teeth in all of Scotland.
1) Claire operates on her attacker because, well, she’s Claire
La la la la, no thank you, I do not need to see brain.
2) Jamie’s face every time there’s a knock at the door
So many knock-knocks, so few “orange you glad to see me?” punchlines. For shame, Madame Jeanne.
3) What the hell is happening with Claire’s hair?
Did a night of steaming hot sex make it shrink? Asking for a friend.
4) Ian’s emotional single teardrop when he reunites with Claire
Move along, nothing to see here, just some old mates catching up in the middle of a brothel.
5) Yi Tien Cho is a bloody champ
He’s Claire’s new BFF, he’s my new BFF, he is all of us in the “brain screw” scene.
6) Claire is Jamie’s sunshine and somebody better give him some SPF50+
He’s been living in the shadows and Claire cast out the darkness and OMG YOU GUYS.
7) Young Ian’s lovelorn facials when he sees Becky with the Good Teeth
Love’s young dream.
8) Jamie enters a burning building to save his nephew
So hot he’s smoking.
9) The men of Scotland try to put out the fire
Pissing on it would be more use than that hose, imo.
10) Holy guacamole, Jamie has another wife
He was short on details but I’m guessing her name is Frank, she loves tea bags and turtlenecks, and works for MI5 in her spare time.
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