It was another ordinary Friday until a pink sex toy whistled through the air, hit Steven Joyce’s jowls, and changed our lives forever. This is our frame-by-frame analysis of the 2016 Waitangi Dildo Incident.
Steven Joyce speaks to assembled media. His hands clasped at his waist, leaving him completely vulnerable to a dildo attack.
The dildo is thrown from Joyce’s left. Nathan Guy (right) appears lost in deep thought, oblivious to the incoming dildo (far right).
The dildo travels a flat trajectory – it has clearly been flung with some force. Colleagues to Joyce’s right have definitely seen it by this stage, and wear expressions of disgust (“ugh a dildo”) and curiosity (“ooh what kind of dildo is that”) respectively.
With the dildo now millimetres from his fellow National MP’s face, Nathan Guy appears to have still not noticed it. What is he thinking about? Is he asleep?
The moment of impact. The base (‘balls’) of the dildo make the initial contact with Joyce’s shoulder, which then propels the shaft into his cheek, producing a distinct slapping sound.
As it bounces off Joyce’s cheek, the dildo bends considerably.
The contact with Joyce’s cheek has diverted the path of the dildo, and it is now flying directly towards the arm of a female reporter. Nathan Guy has finally woken up, and seems to be thinking something like “oh shit, there’s a dildo”.
The dildo glances against the arm of the female reporter, who appears to be crying out “ah shit, the dildo touched me”. Steven Joyce appears to be thinking the same thing. Nathan Guy appears pained, perhaps haunted by a past dildo attack.
The dildo thrower reacts with a near-perfect reenactment of Michael Jordan’s famous shrug from Game 1 of the 1992 NBA Finals.
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