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Pound my yams: Emily Writes gets the horn for Idris Elba

Editor’s note, January 20 2017: This post has been removed at the author’s request. Emily writes about the original post, the response, and her decision to take it down here.

Editor’s note, March 24 2017: in the post’s absence there has been continued conjecture about what it contained. We at The Spinoff have elected to restore the post below so that there is an online original. Emily still regrets the post, and believes Lana Lopesi’s critique to be valid, and its restoration is to allow those curious about what it contained, or who would make reference to the incident, to have access to the source material.

Have you thought about what it would it be like to go on a date with Idris Elba? We mean, have you really thought about it? Emily Writes has. Boy has she ever…

Here lies Emily Writes.

Cause of death: Idris Elba saying “That’s right love”.

She died doing what she loved.

Honestly look at this perfection. It actually caused me to melt into a puddle. It’s amazing I can type. I spontaneously combusted. I am ashes.


What would it be like to date Idris Elba? Look at the way he sits. It’s absurd. It’s like he knows that if he spread his legs even slightly we’d all get pregnant. And he knows that we’re all so tired so he doesn’t want that. He cares about us. He’s thoughtful. I bet if Idris Elba was your boyfriend he would give you a shoulder massage every time he passed you.

Idris Elba’s hands are so big. Around the 16,938th time I watched this video I realised – HIS HANDS ARE SO BIG.

Idris Elba knows that when he does that thing where he twinkles his eyes and he gets those forehead wrinkles he’s turning women (and men) into quivering messes. Desert island survivors dying of thirst. Toeier than a Roman sandal (and yes toey means horny, don’t start this shit again Twitter). More hot and bothered than a penguin in a heatwave. Wild with desire to the point of GOOD GOD Jesus take the wheel.

An absolute state of MUST.

I’ve never much liked the term stud for some reason. Maybe it’s because I think horses are assholes. But I think Idris is a stud. I once heard someone get described as a Grindsman and I thought – what a weird term – but I bet Idris grinds.

I will spend quite possibly the rest of my life imagining what it is like to go on a date with Idris Elba. On my death bed when I reflect on how I have spent my life I will consider all of the days I attempted to focus on anything other than how exhaustingly arousing Idris Elba is – and I will have no regrets.

What would he be like on a date? Even though I’m utterly convinced he, excuse my French here – FUCKS LIKE A CHAMP – I am sure he’d be a gentleman. And not in that opens a door for you then expects you to drop to your knees for it because apparently chivalry is dead. I mean it’s a fucking door guys. Nobody gives a shit if you hold a door open. It’s basic politeness for either gender. You don’t deserve a wristie just because you were the bare minimum of a decent human by HOLDING A DOOR.

What was I saying? Yep – he definitely would throw down like he’s seconds away from a gold medal. I believe it. But he’d also make you breakfast and buy you a real coffee. Imagine him with croissants. It’s almost too much to bear. And he’d be a really great big spoon. He’d tell you great stories about the dodgy stuff that goes on on film sets. And you’d know this magic won’t last but it won’t matter.

Coz girl, you got banged by Idris Elba.

And indeed – he’d be the banger. You know it. He’d go off like a missile. And you wouldn’t have to do anything. You could just lie there. He wouldn’t expect you to do any weird shit he’d just give you a good going over. Like a perfect steak. You’d be well done.

You can tell by the way he sits.

And on the date it’d be like:

*Idris Elba looks at me very Idris Elba-ly*

“Emily are you married?”

Me: “Divorced”

“When did you get divorced Emily?”

“Just now.”

I bet he says your name a lot but not in a scary telemarketer way. In a – I really want to get to know you for the brief 24 hours we’re going to be together – way.

When you’re looking in the mirror putting in the diamond earrings he bought you, you’d catch him staring at you and you’d say “What is it Idris Elba?”

And he’d say: “Nothing – just you. You are breathtaking”.

And then he’d say “come here” and grab you and pull you into his lap. And you’d be like “Oh my gosh, stop it Idris Elba I have to go buy bagels!”

And he’d be like “I’ll give you bagels”

And you wouldn’t care that that doesn’t really work as a metaphor for sex. You’d just be like GIVE ME BAGELS IDRIS ELBA.

Oh Idris Elba – thank you for existing with your face and those eyes and…

Idris

You’re truly a gift and not just because you’re exploiting our wide-ons to raise money for an important charity. It truly is lust making the world a better place.

I have entered using my entire life savings. If you would like to buy my kidney you can – all proceeds toward my thirst. If you enter for me under “gift” I’ll consider it a commission.

A commission to write the greatest love story ever told.

Thank you Idris. I don’t think I’ll ever recover fully from that video – but it was worth it.