Problem? Auckland’s trains smell like piss

Auckland Transport says it doesn't have a pee problem. Auckland’s residents smell things differently.

Let’s get the good stuff out of the way first. The CRL has been a badly needed boost for Auckland. It’s helped businesses across the city but particularly near the new stations that have opened under Queen Street and Karangahape Road. Want to go into town? Jump on a train. Need some clothes? Take a locomotive. Hungry? Once again, get aboard the steam engine.

There’s just one issue; one that’s been lingering for years now and continues unabated even into our brave new era. There’s no easy way to put this, but Auckland’s trains smell like piss.

At least a lot of them do. Reports vary on the new trains ordered as part of the CRL upgrade, with some describing those as “clean” and “nice”. It’s possible the citizens of Auckland haven’t had time to piss in those yet. But according to multiple accounts, Aucklanders have had both the time and motivation to piss in the old ones, and piss they have, without fear, favour, mercy or remorse.

Rebekah White, a journalist and editor currently living in Oxford in England, is one of the most vociferous and outspoken critics of Auckland rail’s piss issue. “I actually learned today that between 2 to 3% of the human genome is devoted to smell,” begins her response to The Spinoff. “We have more genes for smell than for vision or taste. Like, we have maybe three genes for colour vision and we have about 400 for smell. And all of my smelling genes detect piss on Auckland trains.”

White is the person who first alerted me to the possibility the smell on Auckland’s trains is human piss. The cursed knowledge, imparted via Instagram story, has followed me like a bad odour ever since. She posits multiple potential explanations for the smell. Perhaps Auckland’s trains just have a really sucky cleaning regimen compared to its buses, which don’t stink nearly as much. Maybe it’s the decision to use fabric for the seats, rather than the impermeable materials common in metro systems in places like New York. Or maybe it’s just pure practicality. “It’s easier to piss on a train than a bus?” White muses. “Maybe one feels less observed?”

One thing is certain; she’s not alone in her pain. Lyric Waiwiri-Smith, a Wellington reporter who recently travelled to the big smoke to cover the election, has been left nasally disturbed by her CRL experiences. Her first train trip came within 24 hours of her arrival. “The stench hit me as soon as I boarded the train,” she says. “Nuh uh, I thought. No way. Surely they gave these carriages a clean before the CRL opened. How could it be possible that someone has already pissed all over this carriage?” Then, another trip on a westbound train on a Wednesday evening; another immersion into a smell bath of human waste. “When I tell you I was immediately met with the smell of piss and nearly fell to my knees crying and throwing up, I’m not exaggerating,” she says. “I had just finished a fucking near-10-hour shift and this was my final fucking straw.”

Other rail passengers have contacted The Spinoff to express similar sentiments. “ABSOLUTELY,” writes RNZ sound operator Ellie Marsden when asked if she has ever smelled wees on Auckland’s trains. “I frequent K Road so I’m no stranger to human waste but the lack of a source is distressing. I’d like to know where the piss smell comes from.” Comedian Hamish Webber agrees. “I’ve been thinking about this for many years,” he says. “One time I got the first train into the city from Kingsland thinking surely the smell of piss would be gone but nope it was there.” “Re: trains smelling of piss: yes,” says urbanist and illustrator Carol Green. The Spinoff's Chris Schulz also took a piss train from Morningside. "I had been warned. I tried to hold my breath but it was four stops so I failed," he says. Journalist Kirsty Johnston says she recently had to traverse three carriages with her baby in a front pack to get away from a pervasive smell of piss. “She’s only five months old, she doesn’t need that.”

Not everyone agrees. Several of Auckland’s councillors seem to think this story is a beat-up. “Been on a lot of trains lately, and had tonnes of good feedback but zero feedback about piss smell. I have thankfully never noticed a single train in Auckland smelling of piss, so is this story literally another piss-take, Hayden?” asks North Shore councillor Richard Hills. Whau councillor Sarah Paterson-Hamlin is similarly dismissive of her constituents’ concerns, insisting the trains are “clean”. “The trains smell of opportunity, sustainability and a tiny bit like spray and wipe.”

Count Auckland Transport among the sceptics as well. Its rail services general manager Mark Lambert says he doesn't accept allegations of a pervasive piss problem. "We were caught short by your questions about our trains smelling of wee," he says. This is not a widespread problem, but we do recognise unpleasant odours can affect the travel experience so we continue to regularly clean and monitor our train fleet."

Lambert says the seat coverings used in AT trains are also used by international rail operators. "A wee poll we did in the AT office confirms the fresh new trains for CRL smell great, while older trains can affect some people's noses," he says. The organisation is planning to trial an odour-control sponge product, which is already in use in Australia, on select trains in November. It spends $3.1 million on cleaning the 95 three-car electrical trains in its fleet every year, though that figure includes the cost of getting rid of graffiti.

AT insists the cleaning products it's using aren't to blame for the smell. But several of The Spinoff’s respondents have their suspicions. They note a synthetic edge to the odour. “It has a man-made bite to it,” says speech therapist Emma Quigan. “That sounds silly as people make piss. But you know what I mean. It’s a manufactured smell.” If that’s the case, it does beg a follow-up question. “Why wouldn’t you immediately switch to literally any other cleaning solution on the entire planet?” asks White. “I guess tanners used piss to clean animal skins. But that was in, like, ancient Rome.”

No matter what's behind the smell, it’s incumbent on us all to push through the problem. Cat Stevens put it best in 1971. “Get your bags together. Go bring your good friends too. Because it's getting nearer. It soon will be with you,” he sang. Back then, Stevens was looking forward to a brighter future after the Vietnam War; one where people united to usher in a new age of peace. Auckland also has a future of greater connectedness to look forward to as its transport system morphs into one that’s fast, reliable and possibly even clean. We just need to listen to Stevens’ passionate plea; one that’s as relevant today as it was 55 years ago. “Oh, piss train, take this country. Come take me home again. Oh, piss train sounding louder. Glide on the piss train.”