It’s week three of Celebrity Treasure Island, and what a forking great week it was. Tara Ward power ranks our favourite celebrity contestants as they compete to win that sweet charity cash. 

Welcome back to another glorious week in Paradise, as our beloved CTI contestants dodged, ducked, dipped, dived and dodged their way through tense eliminations, a shocking player swap, a weird Chess game, a down trow, a cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers, and a near fatal knock to the nads. Best of all, Eric built a beach hut in tribute to CTI legend Cocksy, which bought a tear to my eye and made me forget about the time Lily and Jodie stretched Sam’s neck skin out, just for fun.

The most exciting news was that Kahu won nine litres of ice cream, which seems slightly excessive, but they also raised $5000 for charity by rolling coins into fork prongs, so it’s all apples and oranges, coconuts and cheese toasties once you think about it long enough. Moses got pinched by Team Kahu, Bree stuffed an entire sausage roll into her mouth (may the sweet Lord of pastry bless you and keep you safe) and Forky Coiny is the best game we’ll ever know. Coins! In a fork! Genius.

Forky Coiny, Corky Foiny, Celebrity Treasure Island, I will love you forever. Let’s do a breath and a Kahuuuuuu and dive right into this week’s CTI power rankings.

ELIMINATED: Lily McManus

It’s unfathomable that Lily’s game is over, because Sam reckoned she had “feet like hands” and she also revealed time’s great unsolved mystery: which is your middle finger on your middle toe? We’ll never know the truth, because Lily is gone and we’re left with nothing but our memories and a sorry bag of wooden cats. C’est la vie, c’est le puss, bon voyage Lily.

ELIMINATED???: Matty McLean???

It breaks my sweaty troppo heart to put Matty here, because the poor lamb spent the week in a rabid state of frustration at being stuck with a bunch of numpties who’d rather chuck knives at trees than talk strategy. Barb announced he couldn’t be captain because he didn’t play sports, and things got so dire that Matty took one for the team by getting knocked in his own lovely bunch of coconuts.

“I HAVE STRENGTHS IN OTHER AREAS!” Matty told anyone who’d listen, plus everyone who wouldn’t. Put it on a t-shirt, put it on the weather map, put it on a forky coin because I will riot, RIOT I tell you, if The Wiz does not use his Mercy Card on my beloved Matty come Sunday night.

9) Eric Murray

Grotty fingernails, also brushes his teeth with ash. Terrifying. Is Eric a modern day reincarnation of the BFG? Answers on the back of ye olde envelope please.

8) Sam Wallace

He’s a mosquito magnet who’s never seen The Lion King. Let’s say no more about it.

7) Athena Angelou

What’s not to love about Athena? She’s having a cracking time, her teammates voted her the contestant yet to reach her full potential, and she can successfully lip read “deflated balls”. She’s my hero.

6) Shane Cameron

Still hungry, still angry. Skittled some coconuts, felt better.

5) Barbara Kendall

The mighty Barbz was knocked off her throne this week, as Mako threw a challenge so they could choose Gary as captain. She might have seen all the clues and called all the shots, but we last saw Barbs smacking coconuts into the sea willy-nilly and I don’t remember Lana Coc-Kroft ever pulling that sort of shit.

4) Jodie Rimmer

I love Sir Jodie as much as she loves an ice cream spider and a pink swimming cap, and not just because she can balance a ball above her head for a long time.  She can also outrun Lord Sombrero in a ten step sand race, and I will not rest until I see her recognised in the New Year Honours list.

3) Moses McKay

He’s the Queen on Sam’s chess board and he can read lips like nobody’s business. Moses will be hard to beat, so why isn’t he at #1 on this week’s ranking? I have strengths in other areas, what can I say.

2) Shannon Ryan

She sings, she dances, she can catch a pineapple with her feet. Is there anything our Shannon can’t do? “I’m happy with a coin in a fork!” Indeed.

1) Gary ‘The Wiz’ Freeman

When you think cat whisperer/Wizperer Gazza can’t have a better time of it, he bloody well does. “Those mothers just lost seven in a row!!!!”, the Wiz chortled about his own losing team. “The only thing we’ve won is this couch! And this beanbag! And a hammock! And I’ve never been happier!”

Look up ‘laughter’ in the dictionary and you’ll find a picture of The Wiz, throwing his head back in abandoned glee at winning sweet fork all, yet again. The Wiz’s even happy to tell The Chiz to shut up, which is like telling the Mona Lisa not to smile, or the coin not to fork.

“I need to clarify, are you an actual wizard?” the Chiz asked, speaking for the nation. Jury’s still out on this slippery sausage.