Bringing you the highlights of this week’s TV Guide, New Zealand’s top selling magazine and this website’s papery spiritual grandmother. // 

Just yesterday, frustrated with the sideways scrolling function of the TVNZ guide hurtling me into a thousand tomorrows, I took a walk to the dairy and purchased a crisp copy of the TV Guide.

Highlighting and circling my favourite upcoming shows (highly recommended as a simultaneously relaxing and depressing activity), I soon realised that this inconspicuous magazine is a treasure trove of incredible ideas about television and life in general from the deepest, darkest nooks of this country.

So we’ve decided to make a regular feature out of analysing the contents of this ancient and still wildly-successful publication. Here, then is your guide to the best of the TV Guide this week, it’s a truly priceless read ($2.20):

Feature of the Week:

Rawdon Christie Gets Fancy

This week our brightest TV stars shared their childhood memories of the classic New Zealand beachy summer. The likes of Miriama Kamo, Patrick Gower and Annabelle Langbein recall BBQs at The Mount, Pauanui, Lake Taupo. But someone strays wildly from the pack.

Who do you reckon throws in casual trips to the South of France as childhood jaunt? Trust our morning monsieur Rawdon Christie to crank out his haute couture summers in le Midi. “We’d live off local breads, meats and cheeses, and spend every day exploring the multitude of beaches and resorts spread along the Mediterranean coast.” Alright mate, ease up.

 

A Poem About The Prime Logo Called ‘Prime Directive’

“I like you, Prime,
And watch you a lot.
But on one point,
You have lost the plot.

Your logo
Up in the right-hand corner.
It could not be
Any more annoyinger. [dicey move there]

Over the faces of actors,
Who cannot be seen.
All the time making
Me want to scream.

So please make a change,
Bring a smile to my face.
And the rest of the people
Who live at my place.”

– Lyn Collins, Hamilton

Feminism Hits Masterchef

Thanks to Sam Brooks (@sbrookbrooks) for this gem:

Not a day goes past where I don’t shed a tear for those poor eliminated men of Masterchef.

Weekly Gripes About Coronation Street:

1. “But reality tedium continues and now we suffer a cooking show five evenings a week, with Coronation Street on even later. Unbelievable.” – Coro Fan, Christchurch
2. “As for Coronation Street, I am up to date on the internet. I could not wait for two years to see what the characters are doing now.” – Gladrags, Papakura
3. “On another aspect of TV One – Coronation Street. Guess what? If TV One had done what the Australians did, which was have a half-hour Monday-Friday, it would have avoided all the fuss, bother and unrelenting diatribe” – RF Beattie, Tauranga

There’s a hell of a lot more lurking beneath the pun-laden cover of TV Guide – the confessions of Banshee‘s Anthony Starr (count the Starr puns), a wordfind themed around the television programme Motive (let me know if you can find ‘autopsy’ because I sure can’t) and an in-depth interview with Pua Magasiva that almost becomes fan fiction by entertainingly conflating the lives of Magasiva and his Shortland Street character Vinnie Krusé.

As ever, let us end on a word of wisdom from the wise contributors at Mr Telly. This advice comes from Sandy Young of Motueka, in regards to binning confiscated food at customs instead of donating it:

Thanks for everything, TV Guide.