The tikanga and kawa for tangi can vary from marae to marae and even whānau to whānau, but the broad principles tend to remain the same. Remain respectful, bear in mind that tikanga Māori is central to all proceedings, and you’ll be fine.

For the uninitiated, tangi can be a daunting experience. Sometimes they last more than a week and other times, they’re over in a day. The tikanga and kawa for tangi can vary from marae to marae and even whānau to whānau. However, the proceedings will generally be the same, with some slight variations depending on the circumstances. 

Tangihanga are often rooted in tikanga Māori. If you understand how a pōwhiri works, then you’re well placed to get by at a tangi. If not, then now might be the time to brush up on some of the basics of a pōwhiri and sleeping at a marae.

Should you attend?

If you knew the person, then āe, you have every right to pay your respects by attending their tangi. As a general rule of thumb though, the first day of a tangi is usually reserved for close whānau to spend with the tūpāpaku and settle into the marae. The next day, the whānau whānui, or extended family, are usually invited to pay their respects and join in the tangihanga. On the third day, the doors are usually open to everyone else. Bear in mind this is not a hard-and-fast rule, and will vary depending on the tikanga of the tangi. You can also just show up on the final day for the nehu, which is what a lot of people often do.

How do I find out what the tikanga is?

This might seem obvious, but the best course of action is usually to ask someone who knows what’s going on. If you found out about the tangi through someone, ask them who you can contact. If you saw something on social media, chances are there’s a contact number or name on the post, or you could just contact whoever shared the pānui. If you read about it in the paper, congratulations, you’re old.

The point of contact for the tangi will have a lot going on, so they probably won’t have time to walk you through every step to be followed. However, you should be able to find out the basics like when the tūpāpaku will be arriving at the marae, when others will be allowed to show up, if there’s a dress code and when the burial will likely be. Bear in mind that just like tikanga, these things are flexible, so stay in touch with people in the know.

Do I just show up?

There are a few things to consider before you show up to a tangi. Firstly, as stated above, the tangi might be on a marae or at a whānau home. Generally, those wishing to pay their respects at a tangi will be welcomed with a pōwhiri. If you can, call ahead or give someone a message to let them know you’re coming. When you get there, it’s best to wait at the waharoa or end of the driveway until someone from the whānau comes and briefs you on what the go is.

What happens when I get there?

Whether you’re waewae tapu, manuhiri tūārangi, or a local just stopping by, the respectful practice is to be welcomed to the tangihanga with a pōwhiri. We could write a whole article about what to do at a pōwhiri, but thankfully there are several helpful guides already available online.

Before the karanga begins, it is good to know who the speakers are, what their waiata tautoko will be, and if there will be any response to the karanga from the ope, ie a karanga or waerea. Another tip is to have your koha ready to go before the pōwhiri begins. Nowadays, this is usually some money in an envelope that is presented to the haukainga during the whaikōrero. However, kai is always greatly appreciated too, and if you have some to donate in lieu of money, it’s probably best to poke your head into the kitchen and let someone know before the pōwhiri begins. If you’re not comfortable speaking on the marae, you should be able to wait until another group shows up to be welcomed on and join in their pōwhiri. 

As is standard with any pōwhiri at a marae, the manuhiri being welcomed on should follow the lead of the karanga or wero from the haukainga. Depending on where you are, the proceedings will either take place outside on the marae ātea or in the wharenui. Where I come from in the far north, our tangi take place inside the wharenui, so we’ll continue assuming that’s the case for this example.

Almost all tangi will follow this order:

1. A karanga calls the group into the whare.
2. The group lines up and goes up to the coffin, which is usually in the centre against the back wall of the marae. Some people choose to kiss or hongi the tūpāpaku, though this is not an obligation (I recently heard an interview with Rāhui Papa who suggested we shouldn’t be doing this as it is a confusion of tapu and noa).
3. After acknowledging the person who has passed away, people will embrace the whānau pani who will be next to the tūpāpaku.
4. The group then sits and the normal proceedings of a pōwhiri continue, including whaikōrero and then a cup of tea and/or some kai.

What happens at tangi outside of the pōwhiri?

Again, it varies greatly. Most of the time at a tangi is taken up by whaikōrero and kai. Sometimes there are waiata and karakia. Other times, it’s just down time waiting for the next group to arrive. However, as any kaumatua or kuia on the marae will tell you, there’s always something to be done. If you do find yourself with some spare time, walk into the kitchen and pick up a teatowel or a peeler – your help will be greatly appreciated.

The night before the nehu is called the poroporoaki. It is the last night with the person before they are buried and is also known for being one of the longest nights of a tangi. The poroporoaki is where everyone at the tangi has a chance to say something about the deceased. It can be a story, a poem, a waiata, or whatever you’d like to share. This can often go on until the wee hours of the morning, so make sure you’ve got a comfortable spot and something to share. If you’re a bad snorer, maybe try to stay awake for all the speeches, or retreat to your car or somewhere quiet for some sleep if you need.

How does the nehu work?

For most, this is the last day of the tangi. For those who wish to experience the mana of digging a grave or preparing breakfast, you will likely be up before everyone else. Otherwise, your morning will be spent tidying up your bedding, packing away your belongings, and helping to prepare the whare for the proceedings.

If you’re arriving just for the nehu, you have two options – either show up to the marae for the pōwhiri and service, or show up to the urupā and wait for the procession to arrive. Usually, there will be one big pōwhiri to welcome all those arriving for the nehu. After the pōwhiri, there will be a church service or something similar. Then, the deceased will be transported to the urupā.

It is important to remember that urupā have certain rules, which again vary greatly. Some general guidelines include not taking food or drink into the urupā, not smoking or vaping in the urupā, and not walking or sitting on graves of people you don’t know.

Once at the urupā, there will usually be another karanga as the body is carried to the grave. The minister or whoever is leading the burial will share some more words and karakia, before the coffin is lowered. Following this, people will usually be invited to throw a small amount of dirt onto the coffin. This is usually the last opportunity for people to mihi to the tūpāpaku before their grave is filled in. If you choose to throw dirt on the coffin, you will most likely follow that by embracing the whānau pani again, who will usually be lined up at the top of the grave.

What do I wear?

This will depend on the wishes of the whānau. Like any funeral, black is usually the default. However, if you know the deceased or whānau wanted people to wear Hawaiian shirts, then wear one of those, if you like. Also, remember that you’ll likely be walking on grass, so avoid the high heels and opt for something more suitable for the terrain.

What happens after the nehu?

Once the burial is complete, the procession makes its way back to the marae, where it is welcomed back with another karanga for the final whaikōrero and karakia. Usually, the whānau pani will also finally have a chance to speak at this point. Without getting too deep into it, this part of the process is about transitioning the funeral procession from a state of tapu to noa. A key part of this is the sharing of kai, which usually concludes the formalities.

When do I leave?

If you’ve attended the nehu, it’s generally best practice to stay until the hākari has concluded. If you visited earlier in the tangi and can’t stay for the nehu, it’s usually OK to leave after the pōwhiri and kaputī.Try not to walk out in the middle of someone’s kōrero, unless you absolutely have to. 

Depending on the person and whānau, there may be a wake after the hākari. If you plan on joining in the festivities, ensure you have a safe way home. Otherwise, check to see if it’s OK for you to stay another night on the marae with everyone else. If you do stay another night, be sure to help with the final clean-up the next day. No one likes the person who shows up for the party and leaves without lending a hand.

Tangi are a beautiful way to honour the dead and allow whānau and friends to celebrate the person’s life in a meaningful way. While they can vary greatly in length and protocol, the practice and principles tend to remain the same. If you’ve never been to a marae before but want to pay your respects, it’s best to go along, knowing there will be someone there to help you. Remain respectful, bear in mind that tikanga Māori is central to all proceedings, and you’ll be fine.