Cardi B plays Bay Dreams festival in Mount Maunganui and Nelson just after New Year’s. What should she do while she’s here? What should she eat? We offer her some suggestions for her itinerary.

Cardi B is coming! Cardi B is coming!

One of the best rappers, best talk show guests, best Instagrammers, will grace the stage twice on her trip to New Zealand in the new year. So sure, she’ll play the shows. And maybe hang with her husband Offset from Migos (who play Bay Dreams at the Mount only) and their baby Kulture. But what else is she gonna do? If she leaves it to the promoters, she’ll do what every other star does when they come here: eat at Euro, get a helicopter to Waiheke, get turned away from Deadshot. All of which seems, y’know, fine, but what else should she do?

We know from her hit single ‘I Like It’ off Invasion of Privacy, she likes the following:

• Dollars (we’ve got those and she’ll be making a bunch while she’s here)
• Diamonds (you can get those at Pascoes but she’s probably sorted for a bit, eh?)
• Stunting and shining (she can do that anywhere)
• Those Balenciagas that look like socks (you can get them at Zambesi if hers are worn out)
• Texts from her ex (nothing to do with us)
• Eating halal (we can definitely find something for her there)

So other than all of that stuff, here’s what we think she should do:

AUCKLAND

To eat: By all accounts, Ms B likes to get pretty loose. Well, no place in New Zealand goes harder than Kingsland’s Canton Cafe. Where else can you BYO a 40 oz? Where else are the dishes swept from the table into gigantic plastic bins? What other establishment can get away with painting their facade… bodak yellow. Book a table for 10 and bring out the black chilli chicken – that’s the money move.

To do: On New Years’ Eve (providing she’s here by then), she should get her minders (and security) to drive around the suburban beaches of Auckland looking for high school parties. Imagine being 16, getting buzzed with your mates and then Cardi B turns up like when Bill Murray did that tour of the US, crashing weddings and frat parties. Except she’s younger and more relevant and high school kids would actually know who she is.

To eat: Cardi B once spent $64 at Waffle House, a super cheap 24-hour waffle, egg and hashbrown kinda place in the south of the US. The best thing is, we only know she spent $64 (USD too, so that’s like $90!) at Waffle House because she posted a screenshot of her bank transactions to show that she bought her Lamborghini in cash and did not, as some haters claimed, lease it. If she’s after some waffles and eggs, you can’t go wrong with Federal Deli. It’s a little more pricey than Waffle House, but she’s probably good for it.

To do: Cardi B is, as we all know, short for Cardigan Bardigan and what better way could Cardi B spend her time in New Zealand other than doing what we’ve dubbed the ‘Opshop L’. It’s a couple of kilometres, so maybe leave your red bottoms off for this one, Cardigan. You start at the graveyard end of K’ Road and make your way down the multiple op shops (and let’s be frank, not-so-op shops, there’s some places with plain nice clothes) until you get to Ponsonby Road, upon which you make a hard right. Now Ponsonby Road is less op shoppy and more chardonnay-aunty, but we guarantee there’s at least one item of clothing Cardi will fall in love with.

MT MAUNGANUI

To eat: Cardi B loves a bit of fast food, having documented her passion for McDonald’s in the past. When she visits the Mount, she could of course hit up Macca’s, but we reckon she should branch out and try Palace Burger. It’s got all the fast food favourites, but, like, way nicer — think burgers, fried chicken, loaded fries, shakes. And you can get local booze too. Plus, with its Miami Vice-esque vibe, it’s hella Instagrammable — and Cardi’s got 36.3 million followers to keep happy.

NELSON

To do: Take the Interislander to Nelson. I know the Bay Dreams people will probably fly her to the sunshine city, but you can’t beat an afternoon cruising on the Interislander. Seriously. You can take a couple of hours to relax, have a beer, enjoy the fresh Cook Strait breeze. Shit, she could even watch a movie. She might even see a struggling indie band playing for a free ride.

To do: Cardi’s fashion sense is always ? so if she wants to push the boat out a little for the Nelson show, a trip to the World of Wearable Art Museum is in order. If Cardi came and asked to borrow some gown made of tennis balls or something, who’s gonna say no? Plus, there’s a classic car museum there too, and she seems to love cars. It’s a win-win.

To eat: Nelson: sunshine, hippies, hops. And German sausages. Yes, you may not have heard of her, but if there was any goodness in this world, Doris Faulhaber and her bratwurst would be famous across the land. Her stand Bratwurst Grill is a mainstay of the Nelson and Motueka markets and a must for Cardi’s visit. The crusty baguette, the tangy mustard, that satisfying first bite of the sausage, its taut skin popping to reveal that glorious centre. The beauty of that sausage is that it’s great any time of the day. The best use, though, is early on a hangover — a can of Coke and a German sausage is an instant cure.