For goodness Gizzy me: sweating through the Block NZ Finale
But who did Marky Marky Richardson deem the winner?
“All the teams want is a happy ending,” Mark Richardson announced, as he welcomed us to The Block NZ 2018 live auction. Speak for yourself, Mark Richardson. Tara Ward recaps.
I’ve watched over 54 hours of The Block NZ to get to this point. It’s auction night: I want drama, I want tears, I want The Wolf building the Sky Tower out of marshmallows and dry spaghetti.
It was the night of nights, and Mark was pumped. The teams arrived, grinning and waving wildly, each contestant as clean and shiny as a high-gloss set of kitchen cabinets. They sparkled like they had never sparkled before, and I felt as proud as if they were the fruits of my own loins.
Back at the Grand Millennium Hotel, the people’s favourites Stu and Amy won both a golden hammer and a new Suzuki. Ben and Tom revealed the auction order, putting themselves first to score the biggest pool of buyers, followed by Claire and Agni, Stu and Amy, and Chlo and Em. “Save the best till last!” the girls screamed, and I began to sweat.
Ben and Tom finally broke the auction seal. Bidding began at $700,000 and climbed to $987,000, earning Ben and Tom a profit of $57,000. “This is the best thing I’ve ever done,” Ben said, before he galloped back to join the others.
Claire and Agni were next. “We’re leaving here improved, better, and more well-rounded people,” Agni said, and maybe The Block NZ really is the answer to all our problems. Bidding began at $850,000 and leapt to $950,000, giving Claire and Agni a $30,000 profit. The love flowed like Chlo and Em’s unblocked bathroom pipe, and Claire and Agni were stoked. I was stoked too, because that image of the lovely Agni getting stuck in the fourth bedroom will make me smile for the rest of my days.
It was time for the big one: Amy and Stu. They scored an average of 17.5 each week, and equalled the record for the number of room wins. Mark reminded us they were the oldest couple in the history of the world to go on television, and Amy and Stu got a wee bit emotional. The bidding quickly climbed past a million dollars, ending at $1,009,500. “For goodness me!” the auctioneer cried, and suddenly Amy and Stu were $69,500 richer.
Amy and Stu were announced the winners of The Block NZ 2018, and scored another $100,000 for making the biggest profit. They were shocked and stunned. “We’re super proud of us,” Amy said, while Mark and Shelley showered the teams in compliments.
The teams clapped themselves out, and Mark announced The Block NZ will be back in 2019. It’s a happy ending, indeed. God help us all.
Tara Ward
Tara Ward has written about television and culture for The Spinoff for several years. She lives in Ōtepoti Dunedin, where she tries to avoid walking up hills.
