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KaiOctober 2, 2018

The Spinoff reviews New Zealand #70: The new Nippy’s iced coffee


We review the entire country and culture of New Zealand, one thing at a time. Today, Emily Writes tries a new super-sized version of a classic flavoured milk. 

I was hungry and had already finished my two-minute noodles so I figured it was time to go to my happy place, Capital Mart. What can I say about Capital Mart? I just love it. The guy who works there is always nice to me and they have pies for $1.99, which is outrageous in this economy. They have vege pies (spinach and feta is perfect) and they always have deals.

I figured I’d just make my regular order, Nippy’s Iced Coffee and maybe a $1.50 pack of Ripple Cut Sea Salt Eta chippies. And that’s when I saw it.

A new size of Nippy’s! My beloved Nippy’s Iced Coffee now comes in a 500ml twist top. After two nights of barely any sleep because of stupid fucking daylight saving and the double whammy of school holidays starting I almost cried with joy. I may be exhausted and it’s only whatever day it is, but Nippy’s has made my dreams come true.

Nippy’s is by far the best iced coffee out there. People might claim it’s that expensive Lewis Creek stuff or whatever (sure, it’s nice, but it costs $800 so it should be) but it’s not, it’s Nippy’s. Nippy’s is the perfect blend of coffee and milk (I was delighted to find out while writing this that it’s made of real milk; I didn’t particularly care either way). It is exactly what it says on the box. It doesn’t try to be fancy.

Three-course meal

If Nippy’s was a person they’d be a builder or a plasterer. Something robust. But one that always comes to your house on time and doesn’t say they’ll be there between “8am and 5pm”.

If Nippy’s was a person they’d be a principal. Just getting shit done despite not having all the resources required because we have funding issues in education in this country. If Nippy’s was a person they’d be me on a wine mum night – cheap and cheerful. If Nippy’s was a dog it would be a Labrador. Reliable. An excellent starter dog.

Our fearless leader Duncan asked Twitter whether Nippy’s is posh and I didn’t need to see the poll to categorically say Nippy’s isn’t posh. But it is a step up from Primo.

It never had fancy packaging and it still doesn’t. Unlike Wave, which had that horrendous acid trip sleeve on it, Nippy’s has stuck to the same picture featuring coffee beans.

It’s a no-fuss drink for no-fuss people. It was always the cheapest iced coffee option and it’s the most long-lasting of its kind. Barista Bros have joined the party and are fine but not Nippy’s; DARE is, as far as I know, gone. Tararua was just too full on. Mammoth was unsurprisingly too big. I don’t want that much iced coffee. Wave is too milky and not coffee-ish enough. The V iced coffee is just offensive. I love Flight’s Summer Brown despite its wanky name but it’s $6 and is tiny. I tried this one the other day from Countdown and I could see why it was on special because it tasted like balls. I found out it was soy milk which was the rudest thing that happened to me that week. Ultimately there can only be one winner in the Great Iced Coffee Wars. And that winner is Nippy’s.

And now it’s even better. Because there’s more of it. And at $4.50 it’s still cheaper than the rich people’s iced coffee, Lewis Island.

Big Nippy’s – my large forehead for comparison.

I had my Nippy’s for lunch and because I’m emotional right now I also ate a Capital Mart twin pack of Maltesers and a Moro bar on my own while my ovaries throbbed watching a video of Tom Hardy playing with a dog. And a packet of Ripple Cut Sea Salt Eta chippies because I needed to eat my feelings, of which there are many. Due to the larger size I still had Nippy’s left over after eating my chips which was the best thing that has happened to me today.

Time is a construct. Daylight savings was created exclusively to fuck up my life. All hail Nippy’s. The best iced coffee there is and now even more so because there is more.

Keep going!