The Spinoff knights sprint to the television roundtable to pitch new judges they think should step in for Natalia Kills and Willy Moon after their sacking this afternoon. //
Who will be the first scabs to cross the X Factor NZ picket line and take up pen, paper and listening face in place of those martyrs to honesty, Natalia Kills and Willy Moon? We at The Spinoff are keen to speculate, and to lend a hand to those poor besieged buggers at MediaWorks to help them scramble a likely lad and laddette to fill out the judge’s table.
We got our Group Thinkers to get their thinking brains on and come up with some plausible candidates and offer them below to help all involved in the recruiting process to get closer to a fresh set of judges.
Alex Casey picks: Wayne Anderson and the Fraudulent Bachelorette
1) Nothing would bring me more joy than to see Wayne Anderson stride up to that bench, take off his 55 rings, and belt out the loudest LAAAAAAAAAAAAA anyone has ever heard. Manurewa’s singer of songs has been out of the spotlight since his 2009 series Glory Days, and would be keen as f*** to get involved. Here are his own (very loud) words on the matter in this TV Autopsy I did with him last year:
Wayne also refuses to use a microphone almost 100% of the time, and I expect would demand the same of the contestants. Finlay would die of nodules after five minutes, and Tonks would burst every blood vessel in his face. Ratings crisis solved.
2) As for the Fraudulent Bachelorette, take all the free sponsored products you can get and hit the Warehouse sister.
Duncan Greive picks: Dave Dobbyn and Suzanne Prentice
Willy Moon and Natalia Kills were too real for reality TV. Willy smoked everywhere, Natalia got angry about TradeMe sellers’ ethics and there are few locked rooms in New Zealand that haven’t witnessed their frantic copulation. Between ‘sweargate’, ‘sheetgate’, ‘bakerygate’ and ‘suitgate’ there were altogether too many scandals for MediaWorks to stomach. So, having tried the edgy choice and found it a bit hardout, they’re going to go with a pair of sweeties instead.
1) Dave Dobbyn brought down his guitar every day waiting for a Team New Zealand victory that never came, so is familiar with hopeless causes and has a cast iron temperament. He’s off the bottle (unlike Willy) and famously devoted to God. He hasn’t said a bad word about anything since 1996, when he remarked that his date scone was ‘a little dry’ and has regretted that terrible day ever since. Perfect.
2) Suzanne Prentice is a lovely old woman with two children and strong judgement muscles from her cool latterday interest in bodybuilding. She’s a talent quest alum, having won the 1970 A&P Summer Show, and is from Invercargill, so will look kindly upon sweet Joe Irvine. She’s also played over 650 shows for charity – so is obviously equally as lovely as Dobbo. The rest of X Factor will consist of the pair giving contestants chocolates and bunches of flowers after every performance and dabbing at their rosy cheeks with hankies. Bless.
Angella Dravid picks: Lorde and a Gorillaz-style Animation
1) Have Lorde via satellite. We shouldn’t experience too much lag because of 4G. Could get boring to watch after a while, especially if there’s lag.
2) The Gorillaz-style replacement will be an animated character that voices particular tweets at random. It’s the voice of the public. We could revolutionise the world of singing competitions.
Bonus: Bakery lady from Glenfield. She has good taste. I would go to a bakery if I could afford it.
Calum Henderson picks: Simon Sweetman and Courtney Love
1) Simon ticks the mean judge and comedy judge boxes. I liked where they were going with the comedy element of Willy and Natalia’s turgid and misplaced obsession with authenticity, but neither of them sold it strongly enough to be fully believable objects of ridicule. Why not go the whole hog and put NZ’s most celebrated rockist curmudgeon, a man who well into his forties still seethes with pure adolescent disdain for manufactured pop music, in the hot seat.
2) Courtney Love retains the vital ‘is she / isn’t she drunk / on drugs in this episode’ mystique seemingly required of Natalia any given time. Has a tenuous link to New Zealand and is liable to provide some outrageous soundbites, but unlike Natalia seems kind and warmhearted (via reliable barometer of personality twitter dot com). Would probably be a good mentor for the bands via having actually been in a band. Could lead Stuss to improbable glory by teaching them all the Nirvana songs she ghost wrote.
TAB selections: It’ll be Nice ‘n’ Urlich or the bloke from Zed, and Gin/ny Black/Wigmore. The Bring Back Willy & Natalia petition will become a legally binding referendum and see them reinstated by week 4.
Renee Church picks: Ian Stables, The Briscoes Lady and Scribe (bonus judge)
1) Ian Stables has got slightly dated experience on his side from judging NZ Idol, and to be honest he’s probably not doing heaps right now. Plus the judges can just pay him in Red Bull and cigarettes.
2) We’re all need some soft, articulated feedback at affordable prices, so ye old Briscoes Lady is the best pick in my opinion. Wardrobe would be super at ease with her because they’d only need to supply her closet with a turquoise coloured blouse and two pairs of women’s trousers.
Bonus: Scribe. He’s a well experienced player in the industry, but more importantly, Beau could give him a new set of skills and really relaunch Scribe’s career. That’s how it works, right? The contestant makes the mentor famous?
Joseph Harper picks: the V Motion Project Humanoid and Birdie (McD’s)
1) A million dummies have assumedly posited the idea of Lorde stepping up and filling the newly vacant judging throne, but let’s be honest. Lorde is above that shit. Seems only right then for tv3 to reach out to Joel Little’s second most famous production effort, the Green Digital Humanoid Form from the V Motion Project. Bonus points for V’s brand imaging being the only thing as unsightly and obnoxious at the X Factor’s. Also V and X are both letters. Obviously this would be bad news for Fare Thee Well (via the inevitable energy drink/Chrizzo folk branding impasse), but imagine how much Brendon Thomas and the Vibes would enjoy the metaphysical complexity of this hire and more importantly the “general buzziness” of it all.
2) My second pick is Birdie, the massive bird from the halcyon days of McDonald’s happy meals. Gotta assume the major sponsors are bloody fuming after the departing judges ruthless affront to our heartland values so this would be purely sucking kneecaps. Obviously you’d want to go with the more recognisable figure (Ronald) or the one with the musical credentials (Hamburgler) but based on previous judging table formulas, they’re going to choose a woman. So since nobody knows what the fuck Grimace is, they’re going to go with Birdie. Bonus points for tangential talent show singer connections (via name) and loose inclusion of Kiwiana signifiers (via Jean Batten goggles).
Eli Matthewson picks: Jackie Thomas and Tom Batchelor
Mediaworks funds their wedding and screens it during FOUR’s Xtra Factor. They make it one week before Tom makes a reference to ganja, they get sacked and are replaced by…
Mike Hosking and Kate Hawkesby! Finally united on the same network. They last a week until Mike says something racist to Nyssa and are replaced by…
Jay Jay and Dom Harvey! They last a week until Jay Jay makes Brendon and the Vibes put sunscreen onto her boobs and are replaced by…
John and Bronagh Key: who nail the vibe of the show week in and week out.
Talia Smith picks: Thingee, John Travolta and Annie Crummer (bonus judge)
1) Bloody bring Thingee back I say, we all need some light relief after the dark storm cloud that was Kills/Moon/Lizard.
2) Speaking of lizards, why not bring in the grand master lizard himself, John Travolta. He is in need of some work, the last thing I remember him playing a woman in the remake of hairspray. he’s still got the singing chops and wax like face that we are familiar with already.
Bonus Judge: Annie Crummer, she is my cousin and what kind of unpatriotic shit doesn’t love ‘I Remember Your Smile’?
Jack Riddell picks: Ginny Wigmore and Jon Toogood
1) Good old Ginny AKA Stan’s homegirl from the Judge’s Retreats episode put her virtual hand right up in the air, showing she was dead keen for the top spot. Sure, no one really knows who she is, but no one was really sure who Willy Moon and Natalia Kills were before they got the job (and some probably still don’t). So what would Ginny bring to the bench? Got Stan, God & the rest on her side and could therefore sway the Christian vote. She also lives in LA. Cons: this.
2) NZ’s favourite Dad-Rockist Jon Toogood would fill Penis Moon’s seat with ease. He also might actually help make some of the groups slightly bearable. He’s down with the kids, full on cool Dad, would give great well-thought-out advice and could probably manage a lol or two every now and then. However, Shihad’s core base would probably disown them quicker then when they changed their name to Pacifier. Their core fan-base probably haven’t listened to The Adults either – it is a tough listen, but to no fault of Shane Carter, love you bro.