A new column: Alex Casey is a human adult woman who reads the news. Every week she’ll report back on what she sees.
MONDAY
It’s always a great start to the week when you get immediately smacked in the face with the harsh reality that you will not only get old and die, but that you will spend many years living trapped in a not-hot tomb of flesh that will cause outraged headlines like this:
Not only wrinkly, saggy and not attractive – but hated. Oh well, at least I’ll have some money in the bank when I divorce this hypothetically dishonoured husband who can’t look at my aged body without gagging…
Sorry, make that old, saggy, hated AND poor. Whilst us crotchety single witches are all scrambling around for loose change on the footpath, desperately biffing our sagging breasts over our shoulders to stop them from getting trampled on, here’s what elderly men are up to.I suppose I’ve still got ages to worry about that. Let’s have a cheeky gander at the state of women in the world today, shall we?
Used for sex, squashed under a roof and publicly shamed for being very hilarious in a toilet. Hoorah.
TUESDAY
I cannot even begin to fathom the type of fucking donkeys that would troll a celebrity chef Facebook account, let alone call out young women for wearing regular clothes. Thank God they made it all the way to New Zealand just by typing furiously in their Mom’s basement whilst wearing stained sweatpants.
I’ll post the rest without comment.
WEDNESDAY
Here’s a cool story that rocks a lot, the amazingly fierce Australian columnist Clementine Ford got a dude fired for harassing her online. The examples she shares are exceptionally grim. If you need cheering up after that, it’s encouraging to see that at least there’s heaps of women thriving in the business section:
I guess us ladies are just very, very busy elsewhere.
And when were aren’t huffing churros, we’re obviously standing butt naked next to a gropey, fully-clothed Ringwraith. Because that’s all we’re worth, remember?
THURSDAY
Man, look how well Michael Caine is doing! Can you believe he is 82 years old, so respected and still getting more film work than ever before. Shit, I can’t wait for the opportunities that await me in my golden years!
Never mind. I’ll just go live in the moment, seize my youth before the body heads south, maybe eat a delicious spot of lunch.
Never mind.
FRIDAY
The I Love Ugly team have responded to the backlash about their campaign by issuing new images with a shirtless man and a clothed woman. Strangely, there’s no rival image where the woman is literally cupping his junk with 400 rings on? That would be lewd, vile, objectifying. You’d never get away with that.
It’s all good, other news coverage will suggest that women are out there conquering things far more important than terrible, sexist jewellery campaigns. We’ve got nudey magazine pages to fill and stylish babies to become.
Talking of style, there’s a stellar piece about how gender boundaries were absolutely smashed in 2015. Via Matt Damon’s man bun.
Pretty awkward that the hairstyle to destroy all gender boundaries in 2015 is so insecure with femininity that it has to preface itself with ‘man’. It’s a bun. Matt Damon is sporting a bun. Let’s not get too pleased with ourselves just yet.