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NewsJune 11, 2015

A Spinoff Investigation: What Does Marshall From Shortland Street Want With St Kevin’s Arcade?

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Alex Casey tries to get the scoop on ex-Shortland Street actor Paul Reid’s plans to buy K Rd icon St Kevin’s Arcade, and imagines some of his proposals for the space. 

The most scandalous rumour in the soap-actor-gone-Rubicon-gone-real-estate-tycoon world this week is that ex-Shortland Street star Paul Reid is looking to purchase St Kevin’s Arcade on Auckland’s Karangahape Rd. It’s just murmurs at this stage, but is already causing more of a stir than when Rubicon absolutely rocked the Summer Hummer in Masterton 2003 and I got Paul to sign my school bag (regrettably).

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Too much focus on Rubicon here, not enough about how Marshall Heywood is an unreliable wayward teen who doesn’t know shit about real estate. I gave him a call this morning to see if he was willing to shed light on the property purchase. Who would a call a saint Kevin, anyway?

Marshall answered the phone after one ring, not quite the chilled out response I had expected from Ferndale’s bad boy. I imagined him lounging on Barb’s couch, phone perched next to ear, whilst she grumbled and unpacked the groceries. I imagined his choker tight and his denim jacket distressed. Of course, I googled him and he’s not that guy anymore. He’s this:

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Marshall said that he couldn’t make an official comment till mid-August, as the release hasn’t been settled yet. I told him I wanted to talk about the Shortland Street connection, and how Marshall Heywood has gone from earring-wearer to property buyer. Again, he said we could talk about it in August.

So with that vague tease, I have created my own list of options for St Kevin’s Arcade based on the things we know and love about Shortland Street’s Marshall Heywood. We may lose the corset shop, the underground music venue and the mismatched crown lynn – but imagine what we can gain:

1) Marshall’s Ye Olde Antique Meth Lab

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An oldie but a goodie for sure. Marshall got heavy into P, and began manufacturing the drug in their basement and selling it to make a living. His Mum Barb threw him a surprise eighteenth party, during which he left a bunsen on in his secret lab and exploded the whole house. Barb went blind, it was a real tragedy. But think about it, with St Kevin’s appreciation for all things vintage and underground, a throwback to P could fly very nicely.

2) Marshall’s One Stop Shop For Invasive Video Footage

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Marshall Heywood was infamous for being handy with a video camera. The tech-savvy tearaway first got in trouble for creepily filming Blake Crombie (played by Jesse Peach) whilst he was sleeping in their family home. With Jesse Peach frequenting the TV3 building right around the corner from St Kevin’s, I shudder to think what sort of dreadful snuff films await. This is Marshall’s Movies: The Horrifying Rebirth.

3) The Marshall Heywood Gallery and Art Therapy Centre

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That almost sounds like a real name, right? Marshall hit the canvas during his most angsty teenage years, but spent almost 100% of the time smashing up his easels because Delphi was being a right bother. Bring your friends and let’s all snap some paintbrushes.

4) Marshall Heywood’s Chapel of Saint Kevin

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Marshall left the show after a near-death experience prompted him to become a priest and move to Melbourne. Who is to say he can’t run his own service from beneath the cathedral-like windows of Alleluya?

5) Marshall Heywood’s All-Male Brothel

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Pam Corkery tried it and failed, but maybe St Kevin’s prime location on K’Rd could give Auckland’s first all-male brothel the clientele it needs. We all know Marshall was a major horndog, deflowering at least two of his Ferndale friends and sleeping with a million of his brother Adam’s older girlfriends. Free Rubicondoms for all.

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Mad Chapman, Editor
Aotearoa continues to adapt to a new reality and The Spinoff is right there, sorting fact from fiction to bring you the latest updates and biggest stories. Help us continue this coverage, and so much more, by supporting The Spinoff Members.Madeleine Chapman, EditorJoin Members

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