Mother’s Day is on Sunday. If you have a mother in your life, or you know a mother, The Spinoff Parents has crowd-sourced a list of shit mums really want.

Gosh mothers are lucky. They get one day a year where they get treated nicely for a few hours. Mother’s Day! Hurrah! Are you wondering what to get the mum in your life? Unsure what she wants? Well, you can shove your FitBit, your curtains, your pots and pans – these are shit gifts and you should feel bad. Here’s a list crowd-sourced by readers of The Spinoff Parents to give you an idea of what you should be getting them. And the best part! MOST ARE FREE SO YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE.

• I just want acknowledgement. I want to be seen.
• A day where I only get the fun bits of mothering and none of the drudge.
• An afternoon at home alone on the couch with a book. Peace and quiet, no chores and an afternoon nap…bliss.
• No emotional labour for one whole day. Or at least a few hours.
• I wish someone would take the mental load, shove it in the washing machine, peg it out (properly) and bring it in when it’s dry and fold it.
• Something, anything, that I didn’t have to organise and pay for myself.
• I’ve given very specific instructions: a sleep in till at least 8am, breakfast in bed and the rest of the day to do what I want.
• Mike Hosking’s head on a plate.
• I want to bake with the kids, but not do any dishes. Eat far too much of it with no judgement. I want to make crafty crazy stuff without having to deal with the clean up! I want some quiet time, a chance to read; Oh and a cup of tea brought to me that I can drink while it’s still hot!
• Cunnilingus.
• I’m not a chocolate fan as a general rule, but fuck I love Ferrero Rocher. I want tonnes and tonnes of it and I don’t want to have to share it.
• I want my husband to acknowledge that it’s Mothers Day. “Oh we don’t go in for all that commercial bullshit” is all very well. except for when it’s the ONE CELEBRATION OF THE YEAR I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO ORGANISE.
• I’d like for people in our community who aren’t mothers but do a lot of nurturing work (aunties, cousins, friends) to also be acknowledged.
• An hour in a sensory deprivation tank.
• I want a lack of stress and angst with the kids’ bio-mum. I love and acknowledge her role; I’d love the same to be done for mine.
• Recognition that mothers are valuable contributors to society
• I want to NOT be a mother for a day.
• A Kiwisaver account that reflects all my labour.
• I want my mum (who died four years ago). In lieu of that, cuddles from my children. And maybe some bacon.
• I want nothing except the cancellation of the guilt inducing fucking daycare events I can’t attend but that my daughter is primed to think all mummies should be at. Like IF I COULD BE WITH HER DURING THE DAY WHEN YOUR CELEBRATION IS WHY WOULD SHE BE IN DAYCARE IN THE FIRST PLACE? The end. Sorry for the yelling and swearing.
• I want a family lunch out. No housework. I want to not have to get up in the night if the baby wakes.
• I want a day where I don’t have to lift a finger, where I am treated like the top of the heap. I want to get up when I want, get the food I want when I want it…and have the house be cleaned so I don’t pay for my “day off” the next day with an extra day of mess to clean. Not doing dishes for a day should include not having to do double the next!
• I want to be told I am doing a great job, and that my children and wife appreciate all that I do.
• I just want no yelling, fighting, or screaming. I want one day a year when I can say “brush your teeth you lot” and they actually do. One day a year with no hair pulling, no tattletale-ing and no whinging! One day without a single whiney noise would be heaven.
• A lotto win to ease the stress of being broke. For my kid to have one of those delightful days. For magical elves to visit overnight so I wake up to a spotless house. A day where I have no obligation to be anywhere. I want visits from friends bearing treats and good uninterrupted conversation. I want to be able to turn on Netflix in the evening and find the exact perfect viewing to suit my mood. I want for the fancy gym in my neighbourhood to give me a free membership and personal trainer.
• I really really want a night alone in a flash boutique hotel with excellent room service food and an amazing bottle of wine and a bath with a view of the city and a wonderful book to read. And I could go there and hang out and invite friends over if I wanted. But mainly I’d just take a bath, drink wine, watch the city lights and read a book and have a full night of sleep.
• I want everything in my house and life (read: admin, emotional labour) sorted out so I don’t have to worry about anything and can just have a nice day with lunch out.
• I’ll be a day or two from egg collection so… I want a doctor with steady hands, a lot of good luck, and something awesome to land on Netflix for my day of recovering.
• I just want sleep. Blissful comforting warm uninterrupted sleep that lasts at least ten hours. And then I can go back to sleep again after a nice breakfast and NO JUMPING ON THE BED please.
• I want to go surfing with some other mums and then an hour-long massage after. Surfing is my solo happy place and I don’t find myself in my happy place much these days.
• I want a quiet day with NO chores and maybe a nice meal. Family time with some snuggles.
• A brunch date after a night of wild and slightly drunk sex with the guy I’ve been hanging out with but am too nervous to make the next move with.
• I’d really love to go out to a cafe. By myself.
• I want half a day to myself. For the husband to give the kids breakfast and then take them out of the house to the park or something for the morning, and then for us all to do something together in the afternoon. However I know that won’t happen. It never does.
• I want a day where I’m not in charge of meals and snacks and ‘can I have a biscuit Mum?’
• I want a sleep in and to not have to do anything with the kids.

Happy Mother’s Day from The Spinoff Parents. I hope you get some sleep. Arohanui, Emily (editor).