As NZ First’s larger-than-life minister celebrates his 65th, he is now entitled to his party’s crowning initiative: the SuperGold Card. Here are some tips for how to make the most of it.

You don’t turn 65 every day, but when you do, your ascent into old age is celebrated in New Zealand with a shimmering sign of seniority: the SuperGold Card. As it so happens, a member of the card’s proud parent party NZ First gets his first SuperGold today – can we get a happy birthday for the one and only Shane Jones?

Launched in 2007, by NZ First leader and then-associate minister for seniors Winston Peters, the SuperGold Card arrived in Aotearoa with the promise of giving New Zealanders aged 65 and above some compensation for their many years on this earth – namely free public transport and subsidies for hearing aids and the like. Some pensioners were underwhelmed by the cards in its early years, but the SuperGold Card has endured for close to two decades, given a $7.7m face-lift in 2019 with its own app and 500 more partners. Even Steven Joyce couldn’t kill it.

Now 65 years old as of today, Jones is eligible for NZ First’s flagship initiative and that enviable title “senior citizen”. Here are some ideas of how he can make the most of this boondoggle very important part of New Zealand society.

The budget basics

You may argue that a man on a salary of $296,007 may be living comfortably enough to not necessarily need a discount on anything, but then you’d be arguing against the very existence of the SuperGold Card. It’s not about what you make, but what you’ve done for the country, and who could argue that Jones hasn’t contributed greatly to our nation’s society by tripping up politicians with riddles and being dubbed the minister of pornography.

After 65 long years on this earth, it’s probably time for Jones to think seriously about his health. At home in Kerikeri, he can pretty much cover his bodily works with 50% off eye tests at Specsavers (good to see who you’re debating), 20% off hearing tests at Bay Audiology (good to hear who you’re debating), 10% off treatments at Lumino Dentists (pearly whites make you more confident in debating) and a possible investment in 50% off Gold Health joint supplements (good for taking on your foe when the debate becomes physical).

As associate minister for energy, he’ll be well aware that power is pretty pricey at the moment, and fortunately a number of energy providers offer 5-20% discounts for SuperGold Card holders. And as a lover of big and powerful vehicles, he can now revel in the fact that Discount Tyres offers 20% off per tyre, and VTNZ has $5 off WOF inspections.

(Secretive) dinners on a discount

Undeclared dinners with lobbyists presumably come pretty cheap at the expense of the person being lobbied, but should Jones be expected to pick up the tab, he’ll have the choice of 731 food and beverage discounts across the motu. Unfortunately, the Duke of Marlborough doesn’t offer any SuperGold benefits (what’s up with that?), but plenty of other places do.

If he wants to return to Nelson, he’ll be spoilt for choice: 5% off at The Vic Public House and Burger Culture, 10% off Lonestar or 20% off at Burger King. Though sometimes, secret dinners are better in secret, so he could also try 50% off My Food Bag and make dinner for six at home instead.

A cheap getaway

As the minister for oceans and fisheries, Jones must be thinking about that great big blue a whole lot. Maybe he could enjoy it up close with 10% off a sailing experience around Auckland and the Bay of Islands, or the same discount on cruise experiences in Fiordland and Wānaka.

If these options don’t float his boat, Jones’ July trip to Australia to meet with mining magnates seems to have gone well, so why not head back with 10% off all return flights to Australia with Qantas?

Entertainment (without the ministerial card)

Jones is a known cinephile (of sorts), but unfortunately there is no SuperGold discount for hotel porn offered by any establishment in New Zealand, nor are there any available for shooting ranges (declared on the SuperGold website, at least). But if he wants to catch the latest flick, there are always $9.50 Hoyts Cinemas tickets on offer, and he seems like the sort of person who would enjoy Deadpool and Wolverine.

Otherwise, Jones has the option of a whole bunch of random offerings from the random selection of SuperGold partners, like 50% off an albatross-watching tour in Dunedin, or $20 off an annual membership at the Pt Chev Bowling Club. If he’s still perusing the television channels for something good to watch, he probably needs 40% off TV Guide magazine, too.

Concessions for ‘work purposes’

The cool thing about being a minister is that you get to travel to a bunch of places with someone else paying for it. Given the coalition government’s introduction of sanctions for those on the jobseeker benefit and their general disdain for beneficiaries, Jones will be very pleased to take some of his own burden off the taxpayer.

Now, when he comes into the capital, he’ll be able to receive a whole 10% off Wellington Taxis to and from the airport, a $3 McCafe coffee or tea to perk himself up, and 15% off at the Thorndon or Heritage Hotels (inquire at the desk about possible movie discounts). Add in a stop at The Featherston with 15% off the bill, and the trip pretty much pays for itself.

So, hari huritau, Matua Jones. I wanted to describe you as “elderly”, but have been informed by my editor that that’s not really the best way to collectively describe everyone 65 years old and above. It seems like the world is still your oyster – enjoy it.