As the election campaign cycle grinds on, José Barbosa reaches into the occult ether and delivers a complete and accurate forecast of the October 17 election. 

As I write there are still 45 days until the New Zealand general election. This is terrible news. That means there’s another month and a half left to endure politicians swarming over public events, Facebook and generally getting all up in the nation’s collective grill. It’s a nightmare of performative televised debates, point-scoring and pointless punditry. The 2017 election wore me down to the nub, and I expect this one to be no different.

How then to avoid the ragged cheese grater feeling the election period brings? Sharemarket fraud teaches us that being forewarned is forearmed; if I was to know the result of the election beforehand, I would certainly be in a better mental space to process the electoral tempest. This is why I have decided to predict, as best I can, the election results for all the 18 political parties registered for the 2020 election.

But how to achieve an accurate mass forecast as efficiently as possible? To this question, I answer with another question: who is more efficient and accurate than the Gods themselves? The frankly astounding video contained here is perhaps my crowning achievement as a creator. In watching this video you will experience me using ancient techniques to read the future of every party taking part in this election (apart from the Mana Party who are campaigning for the Māori Party).

Tasseomancy, belomancy, uroscopy, haruspicy, enomancy; all these tried and true methods of ripping truth from the heavens have been employed in what is the most accurate prediction of this year’s election results. No one else even comes close.

I’ve sacrificed so much, literally, to deliver what is surely the defining document of this election. It’s been a journey, this is true. But it’s a journey I took because I was determined to provide overwhelming national certainty. This is my gift to you.

See you in the stars.