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Actual footage. Image: Archi Banal
Actual footage. Image: Archi Banal

PoliticsNovember 9, 2023

Revealed: the secret coalition talk fragments

Actual footage. Image: Archi Banal
Actual footage. Image: Archi Banal

We have not been able to confirm the veracity of these documents – because we made them up. 

As Christopher Luxon seeks to reach three-way comity with David Seymour and Winston Peters, coalition talks proceed in the shadows. 

Early discussions and points of principle, however, have been unearthed by Spinoff investigator Lambshank, who searched the bins of dimly lit meeting rooms, downtown bars and the Green Parrot cafe, turning up a range of demands crawled on napkins, coasters and orange peel; draft commitments inked on pages torn from copies of Kia Ora magazine, Turf Digest and Atlas Shrugged. 

Only historians will be able to judge whether these fragments are authentic or fabricated, and while that judgment may be “obviously fabricated”, it would very likely come with a note, “but that’s not a problem because nature abhors a vacuum, good luck to you.”

Below, then, the recovered fragments. It is impossible to know which of the leaders of the National, Act and NZ First parties wrote which. 

The Parties will action strong and stable deliverables.

The Parties acknowledge that the Statesman Peters did ghost the Cuck Seymour, and then he did do it again. 

The Parties will deplatform the woke extremists.

The Parties concur that Guy Fawkes themed jokes are invariably funny, good and historically interesting, actually.

The Parties commit to leverage externalities with a view to circling back to learnings on strength and stability going forward.

The Parties will repudiate government interference in media and tar and feather Jack Tame. 

The Parties will reject any suggestion that [text missing] is the Camilla of the governing marriage. 

The Parties agree that concepts like “clown”, “untrustworthy” and [indecipherable] are as mutable and fleeting as the clouds, if necessary.

The Parties undertake to upseek cascaded optionality and programmatic specificity in the big rocks (“strong” and “stable”).

The Parties concede that tweets by the right honourable leader of New Zealand First are willfully misrepresented by a gaslighting media who insist on interpreting meaning from words.

The Parties love the coq.

The Parties agree that the prime minister of Canada is Pierre Trudeau and the prime minister of Mexico is not manual labour. 

The Parties undertake to make backbenchers delete their psycho old social accounts. 

The Parties will co-execute directionality by drilling down to stability and strength . 

The Parties require, with the greatest of respect, that no signatory shall be Cinderella-ised, marginalised or demonised by those demonstrably lacking in intellectual fortitude, Sunshine. 

The Parties welcome the ongoing support and counsel to the Act Party of Kate Sheppard, Hone Heke and Nelson Mandela. 

The Parties accept that [indecipherable] more rodeos than others. 

The Parties will pursue competencies to pivot, fail forward and sunset discordant outcomes (“weakness” and “instability”).

The Parties conclude that David Seymour is a cuck young buck as and [indecipherable] stallion [indecipherable] glue factory.

The Parties insist that [missing text] more bottom lines than a 100-year-old elephant.

The Parties recognise that I got bills I gotta pay So I’ma gon’ work, work, work every day.

The Parties note that the Bad Boys of Brexit remain the baddest of all Brexit boys. 

The Parties observe that the leader of Act is not and has never been a chihuahua.

The Parties will operationalise strong and stable touchpoints in accordance with stakeholders across a variance of geographies in the governing space.

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