Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump meet again for the second of three debates in the most bonkers and disturbing campaign in the history of the universe. Toby Manhire watches and boils it down into a sticky raspberry jam. 

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Read the five-minute version of the first debate here.

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Co-moderator Martha Raddatz of ABC: I’m Martha Raddatz.

Co-moderator Anderson Cooper of CNN: I’m Anderson Cooper.

Co-moderator Martha Raddatz of ABC: These people on the stage here will ask some questions. No applause. No booing. No outbursts.

Hillary Clinton, Democrat candidate for the presidency: Hello.

Donald Trump, the actual real-life, not even kidding Republican candidate for the presidency: Hello.

Indistinct other people: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Patrice, an Ordinary American: Are you decent role models?

Clinton: Our country is great because we’re good and I’m good and let’s be good.

Trump: I agree. We’re great. I’m great. My concept is to make America great. I’m tired. Isis is bad. America is great. So tremendously tired. Make America Great again.

Anderson Cooper: “Locker room banter”, wut? Sexual assault.

Trump: I don’t think you understand. Not proud. Apologise. I’m composed here. I’m Tired. Isis chop off heads, which is worse than locker room talk. Isis. Iiiiiiisis. Iiiiiiiiiiiisis. Kill ’em.

Cooper: You’re saying you didn’t say you groped women?

Donald Trump, who once bragged about sexual assaults on women and how he’d “grab them by the pussy”: I have tremendous respect for women, nobody has more respect for women, and you hear things, and they have tremendous respect for me. I will tell you, no, I have not, and we’re going to make America safe again great again great again let me tell you, watch me walk around the stage.

Clinton: He’s not fit for office. This is who he is. This.

Trump: Just words. Words, folks. Hillary talks. Words. She uses words, believe me. I’m going to help the African Americans, the Latinos.

Raddatz: An ordinary American on Facebook, Geoff from Ohio, says what you said made him mad.

Trump: Locker room talk. Bill Clinton was so much worse. Abuse. Worse. Worst ever, believe me. Also she once laughed about defending a rapist. She disgusts me.

Clinton: Nonsense. Ugh. He never takes responsibility.

Trump: Your campaign attacked Obama so you owe him an apology. All those emails. Acid washed. Sanders signed on with the devil, ie you. Sniff. And WikiLeaks. Look at WikiLeaks. By the way, I’m staying very composed, believe me. And I hate to say it, didn’t think I’d say it, but if I win I will get a special prosecutor to look into your situation. What I’m doing here is just casually threatening to get my political opponent put away if I win. And look at me walking around, easy.

Trump supporters at home: Jail her, Lucifer, Lucifer!

Clinton: Nonsense, a disgrace.

Audience: Ragabagaaaah!

Raddatz: Please be quiet.

Clinton: Look at my website. Let me tell you about my website and walk around a bit, too. Just as well he’s not in charge.

Trump: Because you’d be in jail.

Audience: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Cooper: Shush.

Clinton: There were mistakes and I apologise. But come on.

Trump: 33,000 emails. Nothing wrong? Emails, believe me. Emails. Emails, all those emails. So many. 39,000. Or 33,000. Lots of emails. Jail. Put in jail

Clinton: Just not true. Personal emails.

Trump: Emails, Anderson. Are we going to talk about the emails?

Cooper: We were just talking about the emails.

Trump: Ganging up. Three on one. Not fair.

Ken, an Ordinary American: Obamacare is not affordable.

Trump: You go first, Hillary, I’m a gentleman.

Audience: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, oh Donald, so funny!

Clinton: I’ll fix it. Not repeal it.

Trump: Repeal it. I’m walking around the stage, staying awake, also composed, and I’m saying it’s bad, very bad, very expensive, unbelievable. Repeal it and replace it with a thing that is absolutely less expensive and not bad.

Cooper: Your husband said it was a disaster.

Clinton: He clarified. He meant a good disaster.

Gorbah Hamed, an ordinary Muslim American: I’m an ordinary Muslim American. WTF Islamophobia.

Trump: I really don’t like Islamophobia. Ordinary Americans need to report bad Muslims. Radical Islamic terror. Radical Islamic terror. And by the way, radical Islamic terror. Say it. She won’t. Radical Islamic terror.

Clinton: Muhammad Ali was a Muslim. Donald is helping jihadists.

Raddatz: You said Muslim ban, your running mate last week said not so much.

Donald Trump, whose running mate Mike Pence is reportedly so appalled by Trump he’s considering quitting as would-be vice-president: It’s called extreme vetting. Sniff. So many Syrians. So many.

Clinton: Refugees. Bombed. Blood. Suffering. Russian aggression. I’m walking around and so is he.

Trump: I was against the war. She was for the war.

Clinton: No.

Trump: Oh yeah. Sniff.

Clinton: See my website.

Trump: Believe me, I’m waking up. Walking, waking. Believe me. I understand it. She doesn’t it. Horrible. Bad judgement. So bad. I’m waking up. Sniff. Waking up.

Ordinary American via that website: WikiLeaks shows Hillary talking about having a public and a private position. Is that allowed?

Clinton: I think I had been watching a Steven Spielberg movie. Abraham Lincoln. What a marvelous film-maker. But Russians and WikiLeaks, hacking and Russia, Russia and hacking. Right?

Trump: So ridiculous. She got caught in a lie. Friends at the banks. WikiLeaks. things came out. Now she’s blaming Abraham Lincoln.

Audience: hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Trump: Yeah. Donald be back. Woot. Sniff. Abraham Lincoln, you know! What Russians? What hacking? What? I know nothing about Russia. I know about Russia. Sniff. But I know nothing about Russia. I pay taxes, so many taxes, many taxes, beautiful taxes, they’re tremendous taxes.

Spencer, an ordinary American with scary eyes: Taxes, though.

Trump: Get rid of carried interest provisions. Corporations. Big ones and little ones. Regulations. Sniff. Middle class. Sniff. She’s putting taxes up. I’m sniff bringing sniff em sniff down.

Clinton: He lives in an alternative reality. Pay taxes. Fair share.

Trump: She loves carried interest, she wants to marry it. I pay tremendous amounts of tax, believe me. Bernie Sanders. Libya. Iraq. Isis. Iiiisis. Hillary. OK.

Clinton: Actually I want to get rid of carried interest.

Trump: Then why didn’t you get rid of it?

Audience: Yes why not, rahhh?

Cooper: STFU.

Clinton: Let me read several pages from my CV about my achievements. Thirty years.

Raddatz: Syria.

Trump: Yeah but she said a lot of things – can I?

Raddatz: No.

Trump: She has been a disaster. I’m standing here looking like the world’s most disappointed potato and I’m saying she has been a disaster, so.

Raddatz: Syria.

Clinton: Catastrophic. Investigate Syria, investigate Russia.

Trump: She talks tough against Russia. They’ve built nukes, new nukes. We’re old, tired, exhausted. Not me, our nukes. She’s a mistake, a disaster. Libya, and by the way Iran. Snifffff.

Raddatz: What would you do about it? Syria.

Clinton: I’m standing casually leaning on my stool.

Trump: Knock ’em out. Get Isis. Isis. Look at Mosul. We announced that. And all the bad men left Mosul. Why can’t we make it sneaky?

Raddatz: What is your strategy?

Trump: General George Patton. General Douglas MacArthur.

Clinton:

Trump: Spinning in their graves.

Clinton: I’d go after Baghdadi, and consider arming the Kurds.

Trump: She went a minute over and you don’t stop her and I go a second and it’s not fair, nor fair at all.

An ordinary American whose name is James: Can you be a leader for all people?

Trump: Oh yeah. She calls us deplorables. Her husband signed Nafta. She wants to sign TPP. She said she didn’t call the it the gold standard and she did. She lied. Lied. Lied. Liedyliedylied. Inner cities, believe me. African Americans. Hispanics. Latinos. All Americans. She’s hopeless. Lots of people come to my speeches. Sniff.

Clinton: A lot of people voted for me when I ran for my second term. A lot of people write to me. Here’s an example about someone called Felix who thinks Donald Trump might send him back to Ethiopia.

Trump: I’m walking around, you can’t see me. Where am I? Donald’s behind you.

Cooper: Deplorables seemed mean.

Clinton: My argument is not with his supporters but with him.

Trump supporters at home: Jail the demon witch!

Trump: We have a divided nation. Snifffff. She has a lot of hate in her heart, believe me.

Cooper: Tweeting at three in the morning.

Trump: Tweeting, Facebook. Millions of people. Believe me.

Clinton: I’ve worked with presidents, one of them was my husband.

Ordinary American Beth: Supreme Court Justice?

Clinton: I want a Supreme Court that will stick with a woman’s right to choose and marriage equality. The Senate should have let Obama appoint someone to fill the vacancy.

Trump: The judges I want are very beautifully reviewed by everybody. Respect the second amendment, which is under attack by people like Hillary Clinton. And by the way I’m paying millions for my campaign, why isn’t she putting some in, not mine but hers, and she made a lot of money in office.

Ordinary American citizen Kenneth “Ken” Bone: What about people working in fossil fuel businesses?

Trump: We need miners. Sniff. Clean coal. Technology. Unbelievable. Big swish of my hand here, believe me.

Clinton: Scratch of my ear.

Trump: Big swish of my whole arm. Sniff. Phenomenal. Ohio. Miners. A disgrace.

Clinton: Clean energy superpower. Did I mention my website?

Ordinary citizen Karl Becker: Can you name one positive thing that you respect in one another.

Audience: Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Clinton: That’s a fair question, a really good question and I’m going to keep talking about what a good question it is while I try to remember the answer to it. His children! I respect his children! Vote Hillary.

Trump: That’s a nice compliment. I like my children, too. Hillary’s a fighter, she doesn’t give up. Everything else, terrible.

Cooper: Thanks for watching, and the final word is from me: Goodnight.

Raddatz: Goodnight.