One Question Quiz

PoliticsOctober 20, 2016

Hillary v Donald from Vegas in five minutes: the third US presidential debate digested


Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have met for the third and final debate of a face-melting US presidential race. Toby Manhire distills the exchanges into a vile tongue burning hooch.

Moderating the 90-minute debate at the University of Nevada is Chris Wallace of Fox News. It is being broadcast on all the world’s channels, streaming devices and nutrition-extracting blenders.

Reacquaint yourself, if you can bear it, with our five-minute version of the first debate here, and the second here.

The debate, digested …

Chris Wallace, Fox News moderator: Children of the audience, raise your hands. Are you listening? Don’t make a sound. Not a peep. Not a whisper. Don’t push me. Don’t do it. Don’t. Welcome Hillary Clinton and Mr Trump.


Hillary Clinton: Here I am, going straight to the podium. Not shaking that hand.

Donald Trump: Here I am, going straight to the podium. Not shaking that hand.

Wallace: The Supreme Court. Big appointments coming. How about that constitution?

Clinton: What kind of country are we going to be and so on? The court should stand for the people not the corporates.

Trump: Muffly microphone fiddle.

Clinton: Stand up. Let’s stand up for people. Women. LGBT. Just stand up, you know?

Trump: The Supreme Court. I love the Supreme Court. It’s what it’s all about. Once a judge said something mean about me and she had to apologise and she did apologise. The second amendment. I love amendments. I love all the amendments. If she wins which she won’t that will be bad. Pro-life. The constitution. The constitution is important.


Wallace: What’s wrong with guns?

Clinton: I support the second amendment. But we need more sensible regulation. For example, toddlers shouldn’t have guns.

Trump: She got angry about the Scalia decision. She got upset. Angry. Upset. People got upset that she got upset.

Clinton: I was upset because toddlers get hurt by guns. But I like the second amendment. Let’s come together. Right now. Over me.

Trump: Is she kidding? I haven’t even sniffed once.

Wallace: Abortion.

Trump: I am pro-life. We’ll see Roe v Wade get overturned. Sniff. Then back to the states.

Clinton: I support Roe v Wade. I support women. I have met many women.

Trump: If you go with what Hillary’s saying you can rip the baby out of the womb just prior to the birth. That OK? Not OK with me. Rip the baby out, rip it out, on the final day.

Clinton: It doesn’t happen like that. That’s terribly unfortunate. I’ve met a lot of women.


Wallace: Immigration.

Trump: Strong borders. There are mothers in the audience. Four mothers. Unbelievable people. Their children got killed by people who came in illegally. Everyone endorses me. They want me. Not Hillary, not Obama, who want heroin. Snifffffff. We need strong borders. Build a wall. Stop the drugs. We all want the wall. Except the bad people. Snifffffff. Bad hombres. Bad.

Clinton: I was thinking about a young girl I met called Carla. I know a lot of women. We are a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

Trump: I met the president of Mexico. Trade deals, believe me. Her husband signed Nafta, it’s a disaster. Even Hillary said she wanted a wall. But did she build it? No, by the way.

Clinton: I only want some bits of wall. Donald bashes everyone and he is bad.

Trump: Laws. Borders. Petite sniffe. Unfair.

Wallace: I want.

Trump: She doesn’t.

Clinton: You can’t.

Wallace: Let me.

Trump: You know.

Wallace: Can I.

Clinton: Wait.

Wallace: Excuse me. WikiLeaks shows you gave a speech saying big open market, open border dream.

Trump: Thank you!

Audience: Hahahaha.

Wallace: Quiet.

Clinton: I was talking about energy.

Trump’s face: Fuck that.

Clinton: WikiLeaks is really bad and clearly it came from Russia, to influence our election. Let me recite a long prepared challenge to Donald Trump to admit Russia is doing this and condemn them.

Trump: Great pivot!

Wallace: Hold on.

Trump: No, no.

Wallace: Think of the American people!

Trump: She loves radical Islamic terrorism. Putin? Putin> Don’t know him. But by the way he has no respect for her. They have nukes. We don’t. She’s playing chicken.

Clinton: You’re his puppet

Trump: You’re the puppet.

Clinton: No you’re the puppet.


Wallace, Trump, Clinton: fbnnnnnnddnnnnnn.

Trump: I condemn any interference. But Putin’s not my bestie. Still, believe me, he outsmarted her.

Clinton: He’s cavalier on nuclear weapons.

Trump: Wrong.

Clinton: Not to be trusted.

Trump: Wrong.

Clinton’s face: OK like whatever.

Trump: We are being ripped off. Protecting Japan and everyone. Saudi Arabia. Japan. South Korea. And Japan. She’s a liar, this is a lie.

Wallace: Jobs and growth.

Clinton: Grow the economy. Middle class families.

Trump: I don’t even know what a Putin is.

Clinton: His plan will cost us jobs.

Trump: Her plan is a disaster. A massive tax increase. Did I say Japan? And Germany. And South Korea. Saudi Arabia. Money. Protect. Why aren’t they paying? Pay up. She’s all like, ‘We love our allies!’ Japan, Korea. Saudi Arabia. Tell them. Her husband signed Nafta. Disaster.

Clinton: Let me translate that.

Trump: You can’t!

One guy in the audience: Hahahahahahahaha.

Clinton: When my husband was president we made things better on debt. It hasn’t worked that way that it um worked the way that it worked when it worked.

Wallace: Your numbers don’t add up, Mr Trump.

Trump: I just met some people from India. They’re growing. China. Chiiiina. Growing. We are growing around 1%. I should win easily. China. Vietnam. Her husband. People cry. Nafta. TPP. She lies. She totally lies. They fact checked.

Clinton: Against TPP. Against. Against. Now and forever.

John Key: Bugger.

Clinton: We’re going to enforce the agreements. Buy American.

Trump: She’s been doing this for 30 years. Why the hell didn’t you do it already?

Clinton: I voted and.

Trump: Excuse me. My turn. You got experience. Bad experience. Bad. Bad. All talk. Believe me.

Clinton: Well excuse me, too. I’ve got a Wikipedia page here to read out about what I, slayer of Osama Bin Laden, have done in the past, versus what you, Mr Celebrity Apprentice, have achieved, so smoke that you giant piece of.

Trump: Syria. Iraq. Isis. She’s going to get rid of nobody.

Wallace: Mr Trump. Grabbing women. Nine women have come forward. Oh and also Hillary, I should mention your husband.

Trump: Those stories? Debunked. I don’t know those people. Her people incited violence. These people, these people, I don’t know these people, her people I don’t know, but I don’t need to apologise to my wife. They incited violence. Fist fights. All on tape. All her. I never did it. She did it. Ten minutes of fame. Lies.

Clinton: He has said some appalling things, he said the women were too unattractive to assault.

Trump: I did not say that.

Clinton: That’s who Donald is. It’s up to us to demonstrate who we are. Make our country even greater.

Trump: Nobody has more respect for women than I do. Nobody.

Audience: Hahahahahahahaha.

Wallace: Please.

Trump: There’s a lot of fiction here. I will tell you what isn’t fiction: her emails. Lies. Crooked. Jail.

Clinton: He denies. He never apologises. Not just women. Also disabled people.

Trump: Wrong.

Clinton: Divisiveness. Dark. Dangerous. He incites violence.

Trump: Sad. Sad! False. Isis!

Wallace: Conflicts of interest. Clinton Foundation. Pay to play?

Clinton: The Clinton Foundation is really great. Let me tell you all about it.

Wallace: But pay to play?

Clinton: But there is.

Trump: I think but.

Clinton: High ranking.

Trump: It’s a criminal enterprise. Saudi Arabia. Qatar. You talk about women? They push gays off buildings. Give back the money. I was in Little Haiti. They hate the Clintons. Everybody knows.

Clinton: We spend 90% of the money on good stuff.

Trump: From my foundation, 100% goes to good stuff.

Wallace: Like your lawsuits?

Trump: No. We put up the American flag.

Clinton: Tax returns. Income tax.

Trump: Depreciation! Buffet. Soros. You know.

Wallace: We heard this before.

Trump: I sat earlier in my beautiful hotel.

Clinton: Made with Chinese steel!

Audience: Hahahahahahaha.

Clinton: Oh my god, they’re laughing at my joke.

Trump: Your friends are bad.

Wallace: So.

Trump: Bad. Bad media. Corrupt. Poisoned the voters. The voters will see through it. Except rigged. Corrupt media. Crooked. Guilty. Crime. Should not be allowed to run. Rigged.

Wallace: But.

Trump: No. She shouldn’t be allowed to run.

Wallace: But the way it’s done is people concede if they lose, for the good of the country. So.

Trump: I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense. I am saying these things look at me.

Clinton: This is horrifying. I’m horrified but then I’m going to compare it to when he complained about not getting an Emmy.

Trump: Should have got that doggone Emmy.

Audience: Hahahahaha.

Wallace: Please.

Clinton: Funny, OK. Ha. But this is important. We must accept the outcomes.

Half the audience: We’re applauding, yes we can.

Wallace: Hold on folks.

Clinton: Democracy, and so on.

Trump: By the way, the FBI and the emails what a disgrace.

Other half of audience: We’re applauding, too, screw you. Watch us.

Wallace: Hold on folks. This isn’t helping. Let’s talk Isis and Mosul.

Clinton: I’m encouraged by what’s happening but no US troops on the ground in Iraq.

Trump: I’m fiddling with my microphone again. Rigged.

Clinton: Syria is bad.

Trump: Let me tell you. Mosul is sad. Then she lost it. I’ve been reading about Mosul. Reading. So have the bad guys. We got to surprise them. And by the way they’re only doing it for her now. She wanted to look good. Mosul. Moooosul. And Iran. The Iran deal was bad. Oh boy. Iraq. She voted for it. Iran. Iran.

Clinton: He denies, on Iraq.

Trump: Wrong.

Clinton: A very clear fact

Trump: Wrong.

Clinton: Just go Google it. Google Donald Trump Iraq.

Trump: Wrong. Sniff.

Clinton: You can hear the audio. Not telling the truth.

Everyone: Rahhhhhh.

Clinton: Unfit for office.

Trump: WikiLeaks said some bad things about you and he was right. Everyone says terrible things about you. I agree with them.

Wallace: Aleppo. Mr Trump you’ve said some things that were wrong.

Trump: Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Have you seen it? It’s terrible.

Wallace: If I may finish.

Trump: Sad, it is so sad. Have you seen it? Good guys, bad guys, good and bad guys. She’s taken in tens of thousands of refugees who are in many cases Isis aligned. Isis. Issssssis. Thanks a lot.

Clinton: Thorough vetting. Smarter.

Trump: So ridiculous. We are so outplayed. Our country is so outplayed by Putin and Assad and by the way by Iran. Stupid.

Wallace: Why do you both ignore the national debt?

Trump: No! I’m bringing tremendous jobs. A tremendous machine, a tremendous economic machine. The kind of a country that we were.

Clinton: He didn’t say Make America Great Again but if he had then I would have been ready to say my response and here it is: When wasn’t America great? The debt? I pay for everything I’m proposing. I don’t add a penny. Which is another way of saying that I’m going to do nothing about the debt. I want to invest in you.

Wallace: Me?

Clinton: No, everyone.

Trump: Could I respond?

Wallace: No.

Trump: I disagreed with Reagan one time.

Wallace: Last thing. Entitlements.

Trump: Repeal and replace the Obamacare disaster. Gotta go.

Clinton: Raise taxes on the wealthy. That includes Donald, assuming he can’t get out of it.

Trump: Such a nasty woman.

Clinton: Better for workers and women.

Trump: Your husband.

Wallace: We’re at the end. A positive note. You haven’t prepared final statements. So do a final statement.

Clinton: I’m reaching out to all Americans. Everyone. Big responsibility. Everyone. I’m going to say it again: everyone.

Trump: She’s raising the money from the people she wants to control. Make America great again. We’re going to make it great. Military. Veterans. Not illegal immigrants. Law and order. You get shot in inner cities. I’m going to do so much for African Americans and Latinos. Strong again. Great again. She’s Barack Obama.

Wallace: OK. Thanks. I’m going to finish with a sermon about voting.

Clinton: I’m going to shake your hand, Chris. But probably not his.

Trump: I’m going to shake your hand, too, Chris, for a really long time, and talk to you like I do to one of my butlers. By the way you’re a good butler. Tremendous.


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