Gabi Lardies analyses the stars, and lots of horoscopes in online wellness magazines, to bring you New Zealand’s first astrologically aligned voting guide.
♈︎ Aries
Audacious rams love challenges, and like all fire signs, you love to lead with passion. Some call your determination relentless, and your quick and dirty way of getting things done sloppy. You’re an individualist, following an “everyone for themselves” approach to life. And yeah, you’re ruled by Mars, literally the god of war, so blame your explosive rage on that rock whizzing about in space.
Aries like to get things done, but it’s all quite turbulent rather than orderly and planned. You’ll definitely be at the polling station but try to follow all the procedures and bureaucracy please. And make sure you actually get your ticks in the boxes so that your ballot is valid. If you’re unsure (rare for an Aries), check out the Policy tool.
Notable Aries candidate: Winston Peters.
♉︎ Taurus
We have zero Taureans in The Spinoff office, meaning that these predictions have not been tested on an actual subject. Still, this is what is written in the stars:
Taureans love being horizontal. What you want most in life is to lay back, have your toes massaged and fresh juicy grapes pressed into your mouth. It’s going to be difficult to get you to the ballot box for the greater good, so let me tell you – it is also in your personal interests.
There will be many a dog at the voting station, sometimes you get a sticker, and it gives you a certain amount of virtue to say you have voted. All your friends will be impressed! And maybe then ask to rub oil on your feet. Can’t be bothered reading all the election news? Visit the Policy website.
Notable Taurus candidate: Debbie Ngarewa-Packer, James Shaw, Andrew Little.
♊︎ Gemini
The most wonderful and alluring of all signs. You’re beauty, you’re grace, and not the tiniest bit biassed. Though our many natures confuse some of our simple-minded company, we never have ulterior motives, it’s just that our attention runs out so we pivot. Now, rather than following our mood on the day, we need to tap into our curiosity to explore the Policy website to make a decision (and stick to it). Who will our superior intellect determine to be the best?
Notable Gemini candidate: Shane Reti.
♋︎ Cancer
Hello crabby. I hear you can easily pick up the energy in any room, yet are protected by your hard shell (lucky). If you’re so good at reading the room, what are you reading my advice for? Just pick the winning team and get on with it!
If your shell is getting in the way of an accurate vibe reading, you could try reading the facts on the Policy website, and thinking them over with your brain that’s smaller than the point of a pencil. Good luck.
Notable Cancer candidates: Christopher Luxon, David Seymour, Chlöe Swarbrick.
♌︎ Leo
I know you think you’re a regal lion, but I can’t help but think perhaps you’re more of a small dog – posh and loyal, yet when you don’t get your way the yapping is incessant.
It’s not your nature to choose to be governed by someone, but you also can’t make a spreadsheet to save your life. So think of it as delegating. Do you really want to worry about all the headaches that come with the nitty gritty of government, or would you rather delegate that and be the king/queen of your own domain (a bedroom perhaps?).
To see who might be the best choice to clip on your leash and pick up your turds, check out the Policy website. Woof.
Notable Leo candidates: Nanaia Mahuta.
♍︎ Virgo
You are rather particular and like things to be orderly and perfect. Some say like a computer, processing information (aka the world) with rules and systems into neat boxes and codes. Like Chat GPT you are also rather kind and supportive, and so compatibility with other signs comes easily. But because you’re so meticulous, it’s easy to get stuck. Sometimes you’re trying to compare apples and oranges when you should just admit you like the orange – not because it’s objectively better, but because it reminds you of your grandmother. This is allowed, Virgo!
You will like the Policy website because it has distilled and ordered all the essential information, so instead of doing that yourself you can re-organise your sock drawer.
Notable Virgo candidates: Chris Hipkins, Chris Bishop.
♎︎ Libra
Stop showing off that you’re everyone’s favourite. You’re obsessed with symmetry and balance and it’s not good to be obsessed with anything really. Also you’re kind of shallow, so please, I beg you, don’t vote for the best dressed politician this election season, as I know you did last time. Check the Policy website for the politics behind the beauties.
Notable Libra candidates: Brooke van Velden, Erica Stanford.
♏︎ Scorpio
I’m sorry that you’re the most misunderstood sign of the zodiac. I do honestly find your wrath a little scary, but I will try to advise you fairly. While you like to lie in wait and strike when it’s least expected, you’ve got to vote within the allotted time-frame, between October 2 and 14. You’re governed by Pluto – planet of destruction, but also transformation. It’s giving ‘drain the swamp’, a policy which you may or may not find on the Policy website. It’s really up to you. Please don’t sting me.
Notable Scorpio candidates: Grant Robertson, Megan Woods.
♐︎ Sagittarius
Apparently you’re totally unique and willing to go places no-one else would dare, including being brutally honest. You’re flexible and adaptable, with a deep-rooted desire for change and exploration. I’m pondering your options, and I’ve decided you should go travelling overseas and vote from the New Zealand embassy of whatever country you find yourself in come October. If you manage to pick up some free wifi at a McDonalds, the Policy website will help in your endless quest for knowledge.
Notable Sagittarius candidates: Willow-Jean Prime, Julie Anne Genter.
♑︎ Capricorn
Half goat half fish! That is quite the combo, AND throw in a dash of Benjamin Button because it’s said you age backwards. Hopefully you don’t age out of eligibility to vote. You can keep pushing forward long after everyone else has given up and gone home (not always a good thing, but I would like to be included in your next round of tequila please). You know you’re mischievous, but I’m not sure you know you’re also earnest. Anyway, enough about you.
Your perfect match is an anchor, someone strong and steady, but you might like to just choose someone to have fun with because life is short. Swipe through possible matches on Policy.nz.
Notable Capricorn candidates: Marama Davidson, Meka Whaitiri.
♒︎ Aquarius
If I were to turn up unexpectedly at your house, I would expect to find you sitting on an expensive cushion surrounded by esoteric books (possibly leather bound), plotting a revolution. It’s likely your progressive values are 10-20 years ahead of current politics and you view the debates like toddlers fighting in a sandpit. That’s great but it’s all in your head, water-bearer.
Not to yuck your yum but your books are pretty out of date and not all that relevant to the 2023 election. Try reading Policy.nz instead. It doesn’t have that musty old book smell you love so much, but it has coloured pictures and hyperlinks, and you can still sit on your nice cushion.
Notable Aquarius candidates: Aquarians are very enigmatic and like to keep their birthdays a secret.
♓︎ Pisces
Swimming between fantasy and reality while crying is a feat you should be proud of, Pisces. You’re a delusional visionary perhaps best suited to a life of lucid dreaming and watercolour painting. Life is unfair because it is likely not that. Still, we do get to tick a little box next to the name of someone with a ‘realistic’ vision for the future. Check Policy.nz to see who is offering things which sit right with you.
Notable Pisces candidates: Nicola Willis, Judith Collins, Louise Upston.
Advice for all, no matter what your sign
Reading the stars is tricky. They twinkle and shift throughout the year. Also, the language they speak is cosmic, rather than human. It’s a bit beyond me, if I’m honest.
A simpler and more to the point way of determining who you might want to vote for is policy.nz – a very simple online tool that requires no prior knowledge and definitely doesn’t need your mum to confirm the exact time you were born in order to make a chart.