All evidence points to one hard fact: it is incredibly improbable that you will remain alive. Hayden Donnell recommends either signing up for life insurance or fleeing to an apocalypse bunker this very minute.

Are you reading this? Congratulations. Somehow you’re not dead.

Good luck keeping it that way. Right now 11 major organ systems are simultaneously performing dozens of complex tasks inside your body. If any of them screw up a little, you’ll die. Roughly 86 billion neurons are firing inside your brain. If a few of them start short-circuiting, you’ll die or start thinking you’re an elk.

Zoom out a little. Nearly everything is trying to kill you! Cars. One rogue swing of the wheel and you’re a footnote in history. Trees swaying in the wind. Did you ever think one of them could fall!? Bees. Are you allergic to bees?

Now zoom out further. You’re staring back at the Earth from the vacuum of space! Bad news: It turns out you and everyone you know are tiny flickers of animate life stuck to a rock spinning through an infinite and somehow ever-expanding abyss, protected from the icy embrace of the void only by a thin film of vapours. There are stars exploding all around you. Black holes sucking in everything they can. Meteors! We haven’t even mentioned meteors.

Overall it’s much more likely for you to be dead than alive. Forget the parting of the Red Sea. Every breath you take is a bonafide miracle. Don’t think you’re guaranteed even one more though. Somehow, some way, the world is only getting more threatening. These days there are more threats to your continued existence than ever before. Not content to merely set traps for you to die in, the world is now actively working to eliminate you.

These are some ways it could take you out.

Old age

Given the current circumstances, this is the least likely way to die.

Nuked by Donald Trump

You think you’re safe in New Zealand. You’re wrong. The US President’s already come for Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Trumbull. If you think his wrath can’t cross the Tasman Sea, there’s every chance you’re about to receive a rude nuclear awakening. Stock up on Kiwi Onion Dip, head for Jason Kerrison’s Apocalypse Dome, and prepare for a testing bout of fatal radiation poisoning.

Massive coronary caused by fear of being nuked by Donald Trump

I take no responsibility for this.

Burned alive by the sun

Temperatures reached nearly 50 degrees Celsius in Australia recently. There were “catastrophic” fires. Dead bats fell from trees. Yet while his country was roughly the same temperature as the surface of the sun, Australia’s Energy Minister Scott Morrison was in Parliament cavorting around with a lump of coal, accusing his opponents of having “coal phobia”.

It’s like this the world over. Governments everywhere are overrun by nincompoops whose response to the greatest existential threat facing Earth is to lather everything in freshly pumped oil and scream that everything is fine. It’s likely they’ll turn the Earth into a lava swamp in the foreseeable future. Savour things like “Antarctica” and “being cold” while you can.

Skinned by a roving band of ultra-wealthy hunters

Silicon Valley survivalists have seen the dark clouds of the Apocalypse rolling in, and they have an escape route in place: south to New Zealand. These former tech utopians are buying up properties in pristine, isolated, and above-all, defendable locations. In the event of a global meltdown, expect a cloud of choppers to come buzzing over the horizon bearing the board members of all the big tech companies. Thanks to the supplies they’ve bought with their post-IPO riches, they’ll quickly become New Zealand’s Tsars, employing ragtag groups of foragers to hunt down sick and weak humans for food.

Eaten by stoats

There’s every chance humans will lose their place as the dominant species in New Zealand. Stoats are easily the most likely candidate to take our place at the top of the food chain. They’re the apex predator in this misshapen outpost of overweight flightless birds. They’re ruthless. They have sharp teeth. And they’re in it to win it.

This is my artist’s impression of you being eaten by stoats.

Eaten by wolves introduced to control stoat population

This is a classic defensive move, made often and disastrously in New Zealand’s history.

Alcohol poisoning

Booze may be the only way of coping with the anxiety that accompanies being alive in 2017, but it will also rot you from the inside.

A worthwhile risk?

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These are just some of the ways you could die. There are many more!

The best you can hope for – the best anyone can hope for – is to insure yourself to ensure your loved ones aren’t forced to sell the urn containing your ashes in exchange for bread after your inevitable demise.

For that, The Spinoff suggests LifeDirect: a tool aimed at helping you get the best deal on life insurance in New Zealand. You’ve always needed it – but do now, more than ever.

 

To insure your life for all of the reasons above, get a quote and apply with LifeDirect. They compare all of the leading life insurers in NZ, and offer a 20% cash back for new policies*!

*T&Cs apply