Heartbreak Island is back for another year, bringing more raunch and drama than ever before. Watch as Alex Casey dives in.

What is Heartbreak Island? Is it a moral toilet? Is it an ambitious mutant? Is it a chance to get hotties to talk about climate change? Is it all just a bit of a laugh? Nobody knows for sure, but what I can tell you is that it is fully hectic. What I can also tell you is that it is a great opportunity for saddos like me, who only speak to three people a week and haven’t listened to any new music since 2008, to keep in touch with young people talk. And how they talk is… hectic.  

I first heard a young hot person say “hectic” last year, when I speed-dated the contestants of season one. It was there that I met Harry Jowsey, or Heartbreak Harry, crowned by The Real Pod as one of the breakout reality stars of 2018. The last movie he had seen at the time was Avengers “with the boys, that was hectic” and last book read by “some political speaker, I forgot who he was, who had really hectic points. Can’t remember his name but yeah, hectic.”

His parlance has made major waves, all the way to Rosie from season two who described artificial intelligence as “hectic” less than a year later. Because I’m cool and young too, please allow me to now list the most hectic moments on Heartbreak Island S2 so far.

Sexed up challenges

Okay, first of all the ice lolly challenge, where a key to the next step of the challenge was frozen in the middle of a phallic pole.

Is that fine? I’m really not sure any of that is fine. The second zexy challenge took a similar concept, this time trapping a token inside a bar of soap and forcing the contestants to scrub each other in a shower to free it. 

We stan a horny Survivor.

“The Ick”

Probably the best word starting with H since hobnob, hectic joins the concept of The Ick in the latest robust volume of Things I Had No Idea Were a Thing. Everyone on the island this season is going on about The Ick, first said by the right honourable Eden Dix. My research suggests that it may have been popularised on UK series Love Island, but also maybe from Instagram DM culture and also hello I’m an ancient crone who is literally rotting alive at my desk.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so The Ick is that feeling you get when you are dating someone and something suddenly disgusts you. It can come out of nowhere, it can happen at anytime, and it can be hard to shake. I remember getting The Ick back in my day when a guy sent me a YouTube video that I didn’t think was funny. Anyway, nobody has had The Ick stronger than Eden in regards to Thibault, which brings me to my next hectic point.

Eden and Thibault

I’m utterly obsessed with this extremely unlikely pairing. I love Thibault’s brooding French energy and vaguely murderous vibe, love Eden recoiling at his every move. Honestly, if you thought Sam on MAFS AU had a sob story in the fact that he was simply “too hot” to ever have a proper relationship, let me introduce Thibault. He arrived on the shores of New Zealand seven years ago, confident that women would swoon over his classique je ne sais quoi. Sacre bleu, it was not to be. “Turns out Kiwi girls want the bloke, not the classic French guy.”

After Thibault was blindsided by Eden Dix, eager to free herself from the aforementioned Ick, he delivered the scariest, funniest message of all time to her new beau.

Au revoir mon amour, au revoir mon ami.

The elimination wave

When I first saw that damn Clip Art wave wash across the jetty, taking the first two eliminated contestants with it, I screamed bloody murder. It’s one of the funniest things on New Zealand television, and this year it’s been vajazzled to a 3D Butt Ugly Martians style animation. Absolutely luvvit.

The Caucus of the Lads

After laddy lad CJ tired to kiss Helen, the other lads decided that it was “not on” and decided to call a very serious meeting down by the pontoon. “First of all, we need to run through last night’s shenanigans,” said Chairman Vaz incredibly sternly. As it turns out, the girls were hiding in the bushes the whole time and heard everything. Classic stitch up.

Cheater-gate 2019

For a show that actively encourages couple swapping, bed hopping and even youngins bopping, Heartbreak Island comes down hard as hell on ACTUAL cheaters. Last night, when it was revealed that Sam and “ex” girlfriend Hannah were actually STILL together and had been apparently CONSPIRING to win the show and LYING to everyone, Mark Dye wasn’t happy. Mark Dye was blue. Mark Dye was cyan. They both got kicked off, and it was awesome tbh. Sorry, hectic.

Why does Jasmine have 300 towels?

I might not know anything about youth culture anymore but even I can tell you that is too many towels!!!!!!!! Can’t wait to see what bloody antics these kids turn out next week.