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Pop CultureMay 2, 2017

The Bachelor NZ Power Rankings – Is this The Bachelor or a Saw reboot?


Alex Casey tackles the seventh week of The Bachelor NZ, including a freaky massage, puppet kisses and a torturous ice bath challenge.

Before we race into the power rankings like a rogue raccoon into an animal cafe, we need to talk about wtf was going on in The Bachelor NZ land this week. The dramatic goodbyes were reserved for three women, as Zac farewelled Karina for not noticing a dead body behind her…

… Bel for commandeering a horde of pointy eared alien cats to take over the world

… and Vanessa, for (literally) snoozing on the competition until the eleventh hour, when her elongated neck gags got the better of her

But all that farewell drama had nothing on the other fucked up shit the show pulled this week. Primarily, WHY IN GOD’S GREENEST OF EARTHS DID DOM BOWDEN MAKE THE WOMEN FREEZE TO DEATH IN AN ICE BATH TO GET ALONE TIME WITH ZAC???????

With the women trying their best at making a low budget Frozen 2, I thought things couldn’t get any worse… until Zac lumbered on out wearing the most hardout Hugh Hefner costume I’ve ever seen. Send my body down a glacier, for I hath died. 

Apologies, I’m being unfair. Unlike Hef, Zac would never spend time with a plethora of young women holed up in a mansion together to compete for his affection day in, day out. Unrelated: let’s see who is left holed up in The Bachelor mansion to compete for Zac’s affection day in, day out.

1) Viarni

V is for Viarni. V is for Vendetta. V is for Victory. V is for VERY SMALL ROBE FOR ZAC TO WEAR WHILE MASSAGING VIARNI’S BACK

Viarni got more than an incredibly oily, incredibly funny massage this week. She also got a run through a sprinkler, a kiss on the pavement, and the opportunity to row Zac’s enormous carcass across a lake.

Viarni gives Zac butterflies, and I’m not just talking about this haunted moth that may or may not be the ghost of Hugh Hefner coming to reclaim his beloved jacket.

2) Claudia

Claudia survived the two-on-one date this week over Bel and, in a highly emotional scene, got to sniff Zac’s armpit deeply and romantically.

With his scent up her nostrils and a rose in her hand, Claudia was able to relax into a traditional Thai puppet show that quickly descended into some sort of human vs puppet orgy smoochfest.

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3) Lily

The Aussie larrikin continues to pull out all the stops to entertain Zac like a street magician making toy poodles for a wide-eyed child (also Zac). First she tore out a page for Zac, presumably from the Dolly sealed section, about wanking.

Then she wrote another set of conversation starters on her foot, but none of that hokey stuff matters when she makes Zac make THIS FACE. 


4) Hannah

Because Hannah is a hardass ex-athlete, there’s no way she wasn’t winning the ice bucket challenge that Dom had devised in his torture laboratory. She penned this little bit of wisdom for you to all pin up on your gym walls:

Aka hang in there guys, there’s only a few weeks left. Lugging her frostbitten corpse to some one on one time with Zac, Hannah got to wrestle around in the ring and enjoy a very sweaty, kind of gross kiss.

It’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t get a rose after a sweaty kiss like that, and Hannah was left seething at the cocktail party. Fingers crossed the feeling comes back to her body before the next Fear Factor challenge group date.

5) Sarah

Who are ya, where are ya, why aren’t you speaking? Def rocked the Million Dollar Baby thing, via both the braids and the home-owning. Congrats Sez.


The two-on-one date hell twins

This image needs to win a Canon

These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:


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