Alex Casey delivers her third power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where it’s double trouble and Glenn turns to rubble. Click here for previous instalments.
Even though I called it months ago, I still can’t breathe properly when I think about how good it is to have Lily McManus joining Doctor Lesina on this television programme. Lily describes herself as “a media organism” who is looking for someone to “take a look at the weird shit going on in my sack of life”. What is she saying exactly? It doesn’t really matter, because when someone has that much charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent, words don’t do them justice anyway. A welcome addition to the superstar trio – would watch this reboot.
Turns out Art, Lesina and Lily have been privately conspiring for the past two weeks in the cursed apartment, and also having secret meetings at Regatta restaurant to talk about who is Hot and who is Not. The gals genuinely seem to have formed a friendship with each other, and I believe them when they say they aren’t looking to compete with one another. It’s all about the girl code, says Lily, who has already sectioned off certain men in her mind that are better suited to Lesina.
So who is left in the competition and who is going for who? Allow me to explain.
ELIMINATED: Marcus
The bungy instructor couldn’t Hackett, but sources say he is sure to bounce back in no time.
EXEMPT FOR BEING A MOLE: The Mole
As always, The Mole has remained a vision of composure and subtlety this week.
Because everyone who has graduated from Mole University knows that the main method of mole-ing is to stay under the radar. And the best way to do that, of course, is to take off your shirt and let Glenn sponge you down in a fedora on the driveway. A master of the form.
EXEMPT FOR BEING A MOLE: The Other Mole
Forget what the Cancer Society tells you ladies – the hottest accessory of the summer is another aggressive mole. Lily revealed that her good mate Richie the barman is actually SECOND MOLE who has been feeding her delicious shooeys of liquid gossip from the mansion, including that Jesse is “a bit normie” and Liam has more to him than meets the eye (bellybutton tattoo).
CANCELLED: Glenn
Just as I was getting off the phone with *555 because Glenn was eating KFC with a spoon, he was sadly sentenced to life imprisonment for being yuck. You could tell from the moment that Lily walked in and hugged Lesina that Glenn had that sick twinkle in his eye. “Maybe she’s into girls,” he confessed to camera. “A two for one special is like a dream come true.” He later quizzed Lesina, “tell me more, are you just friends?”
OK, so now that the moles have been mapped and the perves have been jailed, it’s time to move to the contestants. Let’s put aside the fact that having two Bachelorettes could very potentially pit the women against each other, or that the show still doesn’t pass the Bechdel test because they don’t talk about anything but men, or that picking “teams” makes me feel a bit sick…. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE RANKINGS?!?!
I’ve crunched the numbers in the lab and, in the interests of not having to make this an interactive multi-night 4D data visualisation, I will hereby split the contestants up into three categories: Lily’s Larrikins, Lesina’s Lads and… Lol @ Hedging Their Bets. On with the rankings – pray for me, pray for our Bachelorettes, pray for your damn office sweepstakes. It’s absolute carnage out here and who knows what tomorrow will bring.
LOL @ HEDGING THEIR BETS
5) Conor
Despite his strongly held views on vaccination, Conor remains open to getting to know both Lily and Lesina. Perhaps that is why he put so much into his Bake Off cake, injecting it with love, care and a smattering of antigens just to keep herd immunity up.
4) Mr Wedge
This week we found out that Mr Wedge can’t play ‘Wonderwall’ on the guitar, which was fitting because his disgusting curdled buttercream was no Oasis. I hate me too, don’t worry.
3) Liam
After being the cockiest Cochrane of all time, nothing is more satisfying than Liam absolutely stacking it when it came to one on one time with Lesina. He couldn’t stop glitching out like a robot whenever she asked him a question, and admitted to past relationships failing because he “puts pressure on females to be ambitious”. If there’s one thing that women love, it’s being called females and being pressured by a police sketch artist version of Thor. At least he redeemed it with this awesome housing flex:
2) George
Lovely George, sweet George, too good for this world George. This week George decided to tell a group of the lads that he had dated men in the past, which felt like a Very Important Moment. Of course, Glenn couldn’t help but ruin the steps forward by talking two giant gazumping steps back, in an exchange that basically boiled down to this:
Not good.
1) Quinn
A very quiet week for quiffy old Quinny, but both Lily and Lesina think he is hot so I’d say he isn’t going anywhere for a while. Side note: Lily was absolutely right when she said that Quinn looks like someone she’s met before – almost every single person I have talked to about this show has said the same thing. Quinn is everywhere, everything and everyone.
LILY’S LARRIKINS
4) Dom
After this sick burn from Lesina, I’m not surprised in the slightest that Dom has jumped ship:
3) Flynn
Baby Flynny couldn’t believe his luck when Lily walked in last night. Finally he can peel off his old man prosthetics, shake the talcum powder out of his hair, and stop pretending to be a geriatric 30-year-old.
2) Jesse
You know a man means business when he promises to “actually make an effort”, which is exactly what Jesse did with his luxurious berry cake. Given how smitten he seems with Lily’s arrival, and the amount of time he has spent grinning like a Cheshire cat, I’d say Jesse is One to Watch.
1) Terence
Their single speedboat date immediately became a betting war, with Terence upping the stakes from $5 to try and win a kiss from Lily. Speaking of bets, Lily once dared me to chug a giant glass of wine in one go at an event, which later resulted in me spewing so much that my bf kept checking that I wasn’t, and I quote, “choking to death on my vomit like Jimi Hendrix”. That’s The Lily Effect, and Terence might be the only one who can handle it.
LESINA’S LADS
6) Logan
Haven’t heard much from Logan this week, who mostly shrunk into the background after Lily asked him to spit a verse in French. Wait, can Logan play ‘Wonderwall’? Almost certainly. Maybe there’s room to impress Lily yet, but I’d bet $5 this softly spoken lad will stay with Lesina.
5) Kurt
This week we learned Kurt’s catchphrase “have a cup of concrete and harden up”, or, as he later demonstrated, “have a cup of cream and probably give yourself the squits”.
Look, I’ve always loved Kurt, but I think this Warriors-loving baker might be better off breaking some Vogel’s with Butch than in the O.R. with Lesina.
Also, Kurt writing KURT in icing next to his cake is the most Kurt shit I have ever seen in all my livelong days. Butch would be proud, I think.
4) Tavita
Manspread of the week. Mindset professional challenge: carry yourself with the confidence of Tavita wearing really tight pants but having his legs SO akimbo.
3) Steve
Small town Steve finally spoke this week, revealing to Lesina that he left his job as an account manager to go on the show. No pressure Doc! At least she responded with an extremely assuring “OH NO”. He’s a sweet small town boy who thinks she is beautiful, sophisticated and intelligent, but can he beat out the dominant boofheads? Hard to say.
2) Magic Marc
Did anyone else find it weird how good Marc was at milking that cow? Was it part of his chocolatier apprenticeship? Farm to bar? Unsure. What I am more certain of is that these two are, to quote Anna “Saxi” Saxton from MAFSNZ, stuck in an absolute SEX CRAZE with each other. That kiss! The tongues! The noises! Going back for seconds! Elvish tattoos????
They are extremely horned-up for each other, but I don’t know if Lesina buys Marc’s “alpha dog” schtick. I have never seen a dog, alpha or otherwise, iron shirts before. And when he said “no permission slip needed” as a post-kiss barb at Glenn, it cheapened the moment. Sure, #GlennIsOver, but why stoop to his level? Next thing you know he’ll be making out with lemons.
1) Aaron
Marc might have won the first pash, but Aaron angrily scrubbing the car and ignoring everyone out of seething jealousy won the trotie this week for me. Hell hath no fury like a food tech teacher scorned.
Aaron also challenged Glenn after he said that weird thing about George’s sexuality, giving us all the perfect, gentle script to use next time we hear a problematic comment but don’t quite know exactly how to address it:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
This woman for squeezing Marc’s arm when she had the chance
Not all heroes wear capes. See you in two days.