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Pop CultureJuly 4, 2018

Heartbreak Island Power Rankings: Tears in dolphin heaven

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Alex Casey goes for a stroll on the foot-shaped sands of Heartbreak Island, week four.

Every relationship hits that point. You know the one. The golden playback dial gets put in the attic, if you know what I’m saying. You move from Foot Island to Dolphin Island, if you know what I’m saying. Mark Dye stands on a beach and says you can’t swap out your girlfriend anymore, if you know what I’m saying.

With our couples now officially locked in their bures together until the bitter end, finally some tension arose this week. But not before a string of typically batshit challenges, beginning with the classic “throw a coconut in a hole and tie a weight to a strong man” chesnut…

… Which caused Joshua to come to the closest I’ve ever seen a man to exploding on local terrestrial television:

And ended with an extremely vintage “stand on some rapidly disappearing pegs and answer tense questions about your competitors to stop sliding into what Mark Dye literally called ‘the unholy pit of stench’” bit of rag tag fare.

As it turns out, the real unholy stench pit was the usually jovial Tropicana bar, where the mischievous white hats were off and the extremely agitated bald caps were on. Let’s take a cold hard look at the chaos, and then ourselves, and then back to the chaos.


Stacy and Shayna

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain and/or wearing a black felt hat, both of which happened to beloved Stayna this week. After climbing to the top of couple pile and staying there for most of the competition, Stacy lost his good guy Greg demeanour and started threatening to kick people in the face. Not good. 

Goodbye Stayna, you leave a true stayn on my heart. I play this track in your honour.

Caitlin and Josh

Okay. Low key, Caitlin and Josh became my actual faves this week. Loved Josh’s weird tattoo of what I thought was Posh Spice but then the office Slack confirmed to be Margaery Tyrell because that’s juuuust as normal.

Loved Caitlin reading the shit out of Tully.

Loved when Caitlin was devastated about getting absolutely shat all over by the other girls and Josh was wearing an exuberant headpiece. 

Alas, we have to say goodbye. In the words of Paulina Simon’s Tully, “Everyone feels that way, that we will never stop loving someone, that we will never love anyone else, that we can never feel more than we do right now, but yet… we do, somehow, stop loving. We do get over it. Don’t we? We have to. We must. Otherwise, how could we go on?.”

Now let us dive deeper into the unholy stench pit of love.

1) Harry and Georgia

What a crazy week for the world’s first emu/human pairing!! It began with Harry getting extremely clucky upon arriving to the lush sands of Dolphin Island.

And then ended with a horror emotional car crash, as Georgia let rip on humble Tully fan Caitlin over champagne dinner. Harry didn’t back her up. She got mad and cuddled Liam. Harry got mad. She then got… the maddest? I dunno. Heartbreak Island is frequently more confusing than Lost.

Luckily, Harry ended up having a massive Buddhist revelation somewhere in the toe cleavage of Foot Island, and they patched things up. For now.

2) Weiting and Liam

First of all, how good is Liam drunkenly hooning a bag of chips while all the gals gossip around him?!

Secondly, very cool to me that Weiting’s strongest words of affirmation towards Liam so far have been, “I’m not repulsed by his kisses, so that must mean something.” Never fear, Liam saw this romantic slop and raised her with “she actually has a heart under all that silicone.” Rough winds do shake the darling buds of may imo.

3) Ruby and Joshua

For someone who is the oft-voted hottest in the office, Ruby is really relishing being firmly in the friend-zone with your old mate the mad Joshua. The man of the loud party shirt…

The man of 1000 faces…

The breast cream enthusiast…

Hopefully the challenges remain of a similar Gladiator-style as we enter the home stretch, otherwise these two might be facing Death by Dyeⓒ.


Whatever poor production intern was trapped INSIDE this unholy stink hill and forced to pull out the pegs from within (Kristian?)

This poolside cow statuette knows something… maybe everything??

Weird how all the toys are named after royals…


I can finally die happy.

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