Pop CultureOctober 4, 2018

The Bachelor AU, week 7: Take me to Dreamworld


There are hearts on sleeves and mullets on heads as week seven of the Bachelor Australia brutally halves six sheilas down to three. Miriam Moore recaps.

The very last group date sees a ’50s-clad Nick take the squad of six bowling. Sophie can’t stop looking at his muscles, whereas I can’t stop looking at his mullet. Brit appropriately points out that he looks like Chewy the llama from episode four.

The rules of the date are whoever bowls a strike gets to go speed dating with Nick in the backseat of the car (I want to say it’s a Cadillac but that’s based entirely on Bruno Mars lyrics and not knowing what a Cadillac is).

Brooke wins the first strike, which is classic Brooke, and pisses off the others. Although the strikes are a-plenty and the girls are rotating like a turntable (that’s a ’50s simile), everyone bar Dasha gets Nick time. Dasha breaks down in a corner, because she normally goes bowling with her son, Leon. To be honest, if her competitor is usually five years old it’s no wonder she’s the worst at bowling.

A completely normal scenario and dynamic for a dating situation.

The women are then asked to write a letter to themselves in 20 years. Cass breaks down, Dasha breaks down, and Brit makes a joke about sex. Nick thus chooses Brit as his winner, and she gets a date where the pair enjoy the worst invention of the culinary world: fondue. They manage to not spill molten chocolate all over each other and Brit gets a cheeky pash.

Sophie greets Nick at the ice rink for her prize final date. Ice skating was her “Thursday sport” in high school so she knows her way around the rink, although not quite pulling off a triple axle.

Nancy Kerrigan, she ain’t.

They kit up in ice hockey gear, where Nick challenges her to a “first to score three” game. If she wins she gets a surprise, and if he wins he gets to smooch her in the goal. The score equalises with a two-all draw, but Sophie happily loses, being rewarded not only with a smooch in the net but a giant polar bear soft toy. Nick creatively names it Bear.

Sophie gets invited back to the bachpad, previously visited only by Brooke after she won the key in episode one. In the spa, Nick warns her if she pees the colour will change. She swoops in on this aphrodisiac, trying to tell Nick how she feels. He whispers “don’t even tell me” and they passionately lock lips. She is left roseless, but with only six left, it is likely strategic, and there is no doubt she is high on Nick’s list tonight.

That’s a foul, m’am.

Back at the mansion, the girls agree it will only be serious chats tonight. Cass however has got the help of this season’s famous couch-decorating crew and sets up a Hawaiian ukulele station outside. She invites Nick out and they make up songs for each other which are about as creative as the naming of Bear the Polar Bear.

Predictably Dasha, who misses her son, and Emily, who has been practically non-existent in this episode, are sent home in limousines. Which is at least a touch classier than the Ubers of Shame we’ve all taken.

RIP Dasha, you will remember largely as the woman who introduced herself via ankles to the neck.

The next episode features the hometown visits, which is arguably the best episode of every season. This is due to the entire ridiculous concept of The Bachelor being brought into the real world.

First up is Cass, who meets Nick at her local horse stables. Of course Cassie is a horse girl. Everything makes so much sense now. They partake in some equestrian activities, and their interaction has noticeably improved since the early days of the show. Cass warns him she’s already told her mum about him when they were just a “thing”, which is a warning to Nick in itself really. A red flag, a factory that specialises in red flags where Cass is the boss, and primary investor.

The horse: still the most inefficient and spiteful form of transport.

At Cassie’s house, mumma Cass serves up a mean salmon. Mumma Cass, Cass and her sister retreat outside where Mumma Cass confuses the chat for a Bachelor: Women Tell All session, where she embarrassingly talks about Cass’s old “wish-for list”, which featured Nick. Mums eh? Who’d have ’em.

At the evening’s end, Cassie cannot muster the courage to tell Nick’s she’s falling in love with him.

Next for a visit is Brooke, who teaches Nick some AFL tricks at her local ground in Perth, before taking him to meet her father figure Peter and best friend Tessa. Scowly Tessa is that honest friend who tells you your outfit looks shit, and she’s pretty unconvinced by the concept of the show Brooke has found herself on.

Tessa doesn’t even pull Nick aside – she whips out the tough questions in front of everyone over a mediocre looking spaghetti Bolognese. Nick nonetheless passes the test and Brooke musters up what Cassie couldn’t, telling him she’s falling in love with him.

The jetski: Equally as inefficient but less spiteful than the horse.

Sophie brings Nick to another one of Australia’s coastal cities that I can’t remember, where she reminds him of her love for the water. They spend the day on the water riding a jet ski and going biscuiting with some smooching in between. By this stage there’s no doubt Sophie owns a Typo water bottle that says, “Mermaid Juice”, but the big question is can Sophie let down her emotional barriers?

This issue comes up when Nick is hounded by Sophie’s sisters, and Sophie rightfully responds that she can’t allow her heart to be broken when the bloke is literally dating four women. Kudos, Sophie.

The camel: More inefficient, more spiteful than the horse, but can carry more things.

Finally, Nick returns to where he was born to meet Brit’s family. Her dad is a terrifying bogan who I’m guessing was birthed straight out of a Cody’s can. As soon as Nick arrives, Papa Brit hounds Nick for being a rugby player and not liking their reputation with women. As a man simultaneously dating four people on international television, Nick is lost for words.

Nick foolishly tries to joke with Brit’s brother Big Dane-o (there’s always a Dane-o) that Dane-o fancies Nick. Brit’s sister warns Brit of the media which has reported on Nick and Cass’s relationship, embarrassing Brit who had previously been very close with Cass in the house. Brit confronts Nick about the situation outside, where Nick confirms there were a few dates and kisses with Cass in the past.

Britt, blissfully unaware that she is at prime wine-throwing height.

Back at the cocktail party, Brit confronts Cass about the mistruths, and the pair have their first fallout. Both are very upset and, after Brooke and Sophie are given roses, find themselves fighting for the final one at the rose ceremony.

Unfortunately for Cass, this is The Bachelor and not My Kitchen Rules, and here a spaghetti bolognese can beat a salmon. Cass is eliminated, and for a girl who can’t compose herself for an interview at the cocktail party, holds herself together pretty well in the exit limo.

The episode was high strung with emotion, and you can’t help but feel for Cassie, who just lost the love of her life. I personally shed a tear, and I am going to stop bullying my mother for crying when the robot died in Flubber now.

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