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Photos: TVNZ / Design: Archi Banal
Photos: TVNZ / Design: Archi Banal

Pop CultureOctober 4, 2023

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings, week three: Justice for the meat pack

Photos: TVNZ / Design: Archi Banal
Photos: TVNZ / Design: Archi Banal

Tara Ward recaps a tense week on Celebrity Treasure Island: Te Waipounamu.

Nothing makes a bunch of hungry celebrities more excited than when Bree Tomasel busts out the meat pack prize on Celebrity Treasure Island. There’s no end of joy created by the appearance of some sneaky steaks and spicy sangers. But this week, that meat pack didn’t get the credit it deserves. It was overshadowed by a shocking farewell with repercussions that will outlast the nutritional value of any meal, and it’s no wonder Eli Matthewson was fuming. Justice for those sausages. Justice for that meat. 

Everything changed this week when Bree unveiled a special box, which was kind of like the monolith, but smaller and with less Jesse Tuke. Inside was a scroll that allowed James Mustapic to swap the teams around, flipping the game on its head faster than the time Dame Suzy D ate all her team’s spaghetti. Later, two strong players faced an endurance test like no other and enemy lines were drawn in a series of stressful conversations, most of which took place with this cheery rainbow unicorn lurking in the background. 

It was a week filled with scheming and stressing, but enough jibber-jabber, let’s slide into the rankings. 

Eliminated: Jordan Vandermade

One moment Jordan was the disappointed parent who suspected his team of deliberately throwing a challenge, the next he was tangled up in one of CTI’s most unpredictable eliminations. After withstanding a brutal endurance challenge for OVER TWO HOURS, it seemed like Eli’s magical scroll would save Jordan from being sent home, until Zaddy Blair unfurled his own magical scroll to override Eli’s and eliminate Jordan. 

Jordan’s CTI journey was over, and his exit was all class and grace. He complimented Nick for outlasting him in the challenge, he thanked his team in an emotional farewell, and he told Blair there were no hard feelings. As for Jordan’s extremely terrifying skeleton t-shirt? That absolutely has all the hard feelings. 

Eliminated: Miriama Smith

Just as she began to hit her stride in this game, Miriama found herself slipping and sliding her way home. It’s a huge loss, but at least we’ll always have Miriama and Blair Grylls fumbling through the challenge so they could overthrow Jordan, as well as this heartwarming moment with an inflatable toucan. 

11. Matt Gibb

Legend has it that months after CTI finished filming, Two Pump Matt is still searching the Tohorā camp for Matilda’s already-claimed clue. God speed, Matt Gibb.   

10. Mel Homer

Please sign my pretend petition to have Mel Homer trick her teammates every week by making them search for clues that have already been solved, or clues that aren’t even clues, or clues that are actually invisible and just figments of Mel Homer’s imagination. LOL! What a hoot. 

9. Jazz Thornton

Jazz started the week scheming for Jordan to lose his captaincy, as well as not wanting to trip over her giant flamingo. Both goals: achieved. 

8. Turia Schmidt Peke

Can Turia see into the future? If CTI was filmed months ago, how did she know Winston Peters will likely hold the balance of power this election? Most importantly, does this mean Zaddy Blair will also one day call Jack Tame a “dirt merchant” on live TV?  

Let’s cross live to Tohorā for the kingmaker’s thoughts:

7. Courtney Dawson

The explosive news that Courtney farts in her sleep is the sort of bomb that belongs in Bree’s little box and should only be revealed with a reward of some cold fish and chips. “I was just pretending to be asleep,” Courtney defended herself, which is the exact tactic we’d expect from someone who packed seven different hats. Sweet dreams, everybody.  

6. Nick Afoa

Nick stood on two teeny weeny pegs for an incredible two hours and 10 minutes in the elimination challenge, yet barely seemed to break a sweat. How is this possible? Does Nick Afoa have feet of steel? Is Nick Afoa even… human? 

5. Laura Daniel

Laura’s playing a quiet but brilliant game. She’s secure in a powerful alliance, she’s a team player who everyone adores and a true puzzle queen, yet she’s avoided becoming a target for elimination. However, woe betide that Wānaka possum if it dares to shit on Tohorā’s deck again. You’ve been warned. 

4. Steve Price

Came for the opportunity, stayed for the chip butty. Live, laugh, love, Steve Price. 

3. Eli Matthewson

We should probably talk about how Eli’s heart was broken when he couldn’t save Jordan, and how he was incandescent with rage at Blair Grylls, and how he’ll probably never be able to watch an old episode of Shortland Street featuring Rangi Heremia ever again. However, what we’re really here to talk about is Eli telling the nation that he has “freaky little feet and flexible hips”, with toes so impressive that even the castaways could not believe their celebrity eyes. Toes! Forever the real hero of this silly, silly game.  

2. James Mustapic

Just another low key entrance for our James, who is pulling strings left, right and centre and having a bloody great time doing it. By winning the rights to Bree’s box, James got to switch players around, thus protecting his alliances on both sides and strengthening his own team. Dictator at work, genius at play. Ooh, aah, Tohorā, indeed. 

1. Blair Grylls

Some big dad energy from The Guy from Shorty Street this week, who realised the young kids were scheming and he needed to play the game. Blair helped make sure Jordan wasn’t captain, used his secret advantage card to send Jordan home, and somehow ended up being swapped into the Tohorā team, where everyone seems to be having a lovely time. Three killer moves from someone who seemed to have absolutely no awareness of CTI before he turned up? Love to see it.  

Celebrity Treasure Island: Te Waipounamu is on TVNZ2 at 7.30pm every Monday to Wednesday, and streams on TVNZ+. For weekly recaps, get amongst The Real Pod Extra on Substack.

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