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Pop CultureMay 6, 2023

Live recap: The Spinoff watches King Charles’ Coronation

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Join Alex Casey and Tara Ward from 7pm as they recap the King Charles’ coronation from their couch. 

1.27am And it all ended with a wave

A very low energy wave session from our new King and Queen on the Buck Pal balcony, saved in the final moments by this thrilling double-hander from Louis.

At least someone in this family still knows how to give them the old razzle dazzle. Thank you and good night!

1.02am The crowds walk down The Mall

Look out for the horse poo! Save yourselves!

12.54am Throw your hats in the air

Members of the procession have been on the go since 3.30am UK time, so they were probably stoked to take their hats off for a few seconds and give three cheers to the King. “That was quite the roar,” the BBC’s Kirsty Young said, before noting King Charles’ “sigh of pleasure”.

12.44am Salute to the King

The members of the procession – including Princess Anne – have gathered in the gardens of Buckingham Palace to give the King a royal salute. It’s a rare chance to see inside the palace gardens, which appear to feature a green lawn, several trees and something called a “lake”.

12.30am Still marching, still raining

Lovely clean streets, horse poo appears to be minimal. Still no sign of Mr Bean, but Prince Louis appears to be trapped in a glass carriage of emotions.

12.10am We Gon’ Ride tonight

The state coach is now following a procession of thousands of military personnel who are all, somehow, walking in perfect unison. We cross now to the very relaxed-looking guy who told them all when to start walking:

12.05am Okay soldiers now let’s get in formation

The coronation ceremony is over and now shit is about to get real with a 4000 strong procession about to lead the King and Queen Consort back to Buckingham Palace. How much horse poo will that gold coach have to wheel through? Will Charles crack a smile along the way? Will Richie McCaw pop up on the palace balcony? Our experts say: yes.

11.55pm An outfit change

As he prepares to leave the Abbey and begin the royal procession, King Charles emerges in a resplendent purple tunic while proudly presenting the golden snitch.

11.55pm Just an idea

If I were to compose a song for the royal coronation, it would be “please stop singing / this has gone on for ages / we have had enough / Aaaaaamen.” Play something we all know! Lionel Richie is sitting right there!

11.50pm TVNZ is officially worried about me

I have never seen this message before.

11.40pm You could cut the tension with a knife

If everyone could stop bellowing ‘Praise, My Soul, The King of Heaven’ for one second, we might be able to hear the awkward silence between the first and third row here. The King and Queen have gone into some sort of nook to get ready to leave for the royal procession. The singing may never actually stop. I’m scared.

11.26pm: Candles in the wind

Shout out to the big candles of England, which never get the respect they truly deserve

11.20pm Yas Queen (Consort)

Camilla is now having a great time. A thousand children are howling ‘Make a Joyful Noise’ by Andrew Lloyd Webber. King Charles is going around touching everything lightly with a single gloved hand. Everything is still fine.

11.15pm Are they allowed to show this on television? 

Too rude! Put that anointing screen up STAT!

11.10pm It’s his party and he’ll sit if he wants to

First we’ve had an hour of King Charles playing that game where you have to throw on as many clothes as possible before you can eat the chocolate (in this case, the chocolate is the crown). Now the man has staggered three steps before sitting down a totally new chair. I am told this called “enthroning” but I just think he’s playing solo musical chairs.

11.05pm King Charles is crowning

With both hands full and unable to move from all the weight of all the gold, Prince Charles  had the crown put on his head. This officially makes him King, mostly because the Archbishop pushed that crown down so hard that it might never come off again. At least Camilla looks stoked with everything so far.

11.00pm It’s all about layering baby

Clothing update: Prince Charles is now wearing approximately 8,000 layers of gold, including several bangles, a sword, a fancy scarf, a girdle (where?!) and a single glove. The “robe of righteousness” and the “gown of salvation” are now on his heaving shoulders, while those at home watch on in a cardigan of bewilderment. He looks like he is going to cry.

10.55pm Breaking: inequity stopped in its tracks

King Charles, sitting in a gold coat and with a sword attached to his belt, has just been asked to “stop the growth of inequity” which seems fine, good luck to us all

10.50pm A golden boy emerges

King Charles has been anointed, first donning a linen tunic to “symbolise simplicity” and then promptly covering it up with what appears to be a coat made of solid gold.

10.45pm The anointing screens are in place

King Charles is getting the rug pulled out of his pants to go behind these screens and get slathered in 700 year old oil. Any questions? Didn’t think so.

10.35pm No lipsing this one Charles!

It’s from the sixth century mate, put the Chapstick away.

10.30pm All quiet on the Louis front

As British prime minster Rishi Sunak speaks, the little rambunctious prince seems impossibly well behaved so far. There’s still a long way in the coronation to go, so fingers crossed for some hectic facials ASAP.

10.25pm King Charles set to marry bible

Not in front of Camilla!

10.19pm King Charles signs autograph for God

Quite a chilled out signature for a King, no? Also a dangerously leaky looking ink. Wouldn’t want a repeat of last time, not on his special day!!!

10.15 Time for sustained silent reading

Loving the party games here as Charles and Camilla walk  from one seat to another in a fun circle. Also, how many times do people need to say “God Save the King”? Surely he heard us the first time. Also, seems like a really weird time to break out the latest Marian Keyes?

10.10pm Hosking has officially been scammed

Will Hosking take this one to Fair Go? We can only hope and pray.

10.09pm Everything is made of gold

Can you imagine how many cans of Brasso have been used this week in London? Bloody shitloads, because the amount of gold in this joint is off the chart. Frankly, the glint off that stuff is a health and safety concern, and someone needs to tell the King to put on his sunglasses, break out the SPF, and slip slop slap immediately.

10.07pm What is happening here?

By all accounts King Charles has a hallway rug tucked into the back of his pants and is taking a moment’s pause to stand in front of a novelty-sized armchair. A child welcomes him on behalf of children everywhere. Everything is normal.

10.04pm A closer look at the shoe

Courtesy of deputy editor Alice Neville.

9.56pm King in the house, but what about the shoes?

We desperately need one of those little E! red carpet shoe cams focussed solely on the King’s kicks. Will they match Hosking’s? Or has our Mike been well and truly scammed? 

9.50pm Richie and a red chopping board

This is proving to be a game of two halves, which is probably why Richie McCaw is here?

Also, here’s the crown being carried in on what looks like a nice red chopping board. Couldn’t we stretch to a nice purple cushion? Seems a shame.

9.47pm: A humble suggestion

This gold coach is nice and all, but you know what it really needs? Window wipers.

9.45 Man climbs lamppost to avoid sea of horse shit

A wise man.

9.40pm Harry has entered the building

Prince Hazza has entered the Abbey along with his cousins Eugenie and Beatrice and their spouses. Nobody in the crowd appears to be reading Spare. Princess Anne has also arrived, wearing a most excellent hat with a feather in the top. The senior royals are rocking a lot of plush coats and boots, which are hopefully not covered in any of that horse poo.

Also, where is Mr Bean? None of these people look like Mr Bean. Earlier this evening, somebody reminded me of the scene in Johnny English where Johnny English (Mr Bean) swoops in and steals the King’s crown. Could that have been a rehearsal? Just something to think about.

9.30pm The horses are acting up (and crapping)

There’s no two ways about it, the Mall is absolutely caked in horse shit. I don’t care how much repurposed wood from the HMS Victory went into making the gilded royal coach, nothing changes the fact that this thing is rolling through horse pats non-stop. No wonder poor Apollo here is going off piste, the whole world can see what he had for breakfast for god’s sake. Humiliating for all involved.

9.25pm Thunderbirds are go

King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla have left Buckingham Palace in the diamond jubilee state coach. The national anthem is playing. The diamond jubilee state coach is reported to have air conditioning and electric windows. We cannot see what shoes Charles is wearing. It is still raining.

9.20pm Chippy X Barkers fashion show

Bombshells Dame Cindy Kiro and prime minister Chris Hipkins have finally entered the villa, with Chippy looking resplendent in only the finest Barkers suit.

9.15pm Former prime ministers arrive to possible stench

Please welcome to the stage Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Liz Truss, Boris Johnson, Theresa May and David Cameron. Greeted by the dean at the door, the BBC commentator reminds us that the robes he is wearing are the same ones worn back in 1953. Stinky!

Tony Blair encounters the stench

9.09pm: The organist is living their best life

Tap your feet, clap your hands, shake your booty, or alternatively, do none of those things. Either way, the Westminster Abbey organist is having a fabulous time busting out some absolute bangers right now, and if we don’t  hear “Baby Elephant Walk” before the night’s end then I will eat my fascinator.

9.00pm: The horses are everywhere

Emmanuel Macron has arrived at Westminster Abbey, as well as members of the Spanish royal family. Also, important seat update: The Telegraph reports that Prince Harry will be sitting in the third row, alongside his cousins Beatrice and Eugenie. Over at Buckingham Palace, the horses have taken over and are slowly clip-clopping towards the Abbey.

8.49pm: Incredible sleeve alert

TVNZ 1’s Melissa Stokes and Daniel Faitaua have ditched us for the BBC’s coverage. We’re currently being entertained by a South African soprano who has the voice of an angel and sleeves that will double as an umbrella once she leaves the Abbey. She is my queen. 

8.41pm: It’s raining, it’s pouring

Mei Heron drops in to tell us some terrible news: it’s raining in London. She also wants to say hello to Fiona and Graham somewhere in New Zealand, while in Auckland, TVNZ reporter Jacob Johnson has bumped into old mate Henry VIII at a house party. “I think we’re in for a big night,” Jacob says. “Text us the address,” Melissa tells him. 

8.30pm: Impressive hat alert (and Lionel Richie)

8.23pm: Party at the Abbey

The curtain raiser to the big event begins, with this choir doing what choirs do best: singing. The tune?  To my highly untrained ear, it appears to be a highly gothic, incredibly moody cover of the Red Hot Chili Peppers hit tune Californication. Or it might be something in Latin. 

8.10pm: The vibes are on

TVNZ’s Jordyn Rudd checks in from Hyde Park, where “the vibes are on”. She met a team of royal fans who have been downing the champers and the bacon rolls all morning and are now friends for life. “The atmosphere is fantastic,” one says. “It’s all about sharing this moment together,” another tells us, before they knock back their glasses in celebration. “Chin chin!” Melissa says, before she and Daniel show us what they contemplated wearing for tonight’s coverage: 

8.00pm: Look, it’s Jamie Oliver

“Do the king and queen know their way around the kitchen?” Kirsty Young asks Jamie Oliver, who reveals there were a few plumbing issues the last time he cooked at Clarence House. Also, Lionel Richie has arrived at the Abbey. He is not dancing on the ceiling.

7.55pm: The Red Hot Chili Peppers are having a lovely time

On TVNZ 1, Melissa and Daniel cross to reporter Jacob Johnson at an Auckland party.  “You’re really bopping,” Daniel Faitaua tells Jacob, who cuts some shapes as Californication booms out on the stereo. The party host spent the past six months making all the party games from scratch, even going through skips to find the right material.  “Got any dance moves you’re going to show us later?” Jacob asks some kids. “No!” one replies. 

Meanwhile in the South Island, Donna-Marie Lever meets a queen who tells us she has corgi nuts and marmalade sandwiches in her handbag.

7.47pm “Shakespeare is the King’s Eastenders”

Just some casual chit-chat on Three about the “impenetrable” power of Shakespeare and the King’s love of the Bard. To be an inflatable corgi, or not to be? That is the question.

7.40pm: Chris Hipkins leaves his hotel for Westminster Abbey

The prime minister is wearing a Barkers suit and a kākahu, and he’s not feeling nervous. “It’s a significant piece of history,” Hipkins says of the day, and he’s looking forward to the chance to speak with other leaders before the coronation ceremony.

7.35pm: Most of the guests are inside the Abbey now

Except for Barbra Streisand?? Who pops up on the telly to remind us that Charles’ favourite song is “Don’t Rain On My Parade”?!? Weather forecast for London: high of 14 degrees, 100% chance of precipitation.

7.28pm Famous people also on the loose

“It’s a real honour to get the invite,” Jay Blades, the host of The Repair Shop, tells us. He also says he’s hoping to buy the chair he gets to sit on in the coronation, which seems like an excellent way for the crown to recoup costs. While Three’s host Huw Edwards tells us about an important 12th century spoon, we get a first glimpse at the celebrity line up: Dame Judi Dench and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

7.13pm: Inflatable corgis on the loose

TVNZ are in the mood for a good time, crossing live to coronation parties around the country. “I just saw an inflatable corgi go flying,” Melissa Stokes notes at one raucous shindig. It’s only 7 o’clock; fingers crossed they haven’t peaked too soon. There’s talk about whether the weather will behave in London, while over in Sydney, Andrew Macfarlane announced he spent a whopping $4 on a Union Jack flag. 

Over on Three, the BBC’s Kirsty Young is talking to someone in a lovely dress coat about gravy boats and sea urchins. Not an inflatable corgi to be seen, sadly.

7.00pm Coronation coverage begins

Newshub kick the coronation off a few moments before seven pm, crossing live to Alexa Cooke in London. Cooke tracked down an excited New Zealand mother and son who made the trip to UK especially for the coronation. “It’s just so exciting!” the mother said. “I’m sorry to be missing duck shooting,” her son added. 

Over on one, 1News’ Wendy Petrie promised us that the party is about to get started, before giving us a look at the absolute state of things in the TVNZ studio:

6.00pm: What is happening here? 

After a week of ridiculous royal coverage including a knitted Camilla doll, a cat in a fascinator and a breakfast host playing a flugelhorn, the moment of King Charles’ coronation is nearly here. Both TVNZ and Three will be going live with their coverage from 7pm, with TVNZ broadcasting from the Auckland studio and Three crossing over to the BBC feed.

In terms of timing for the evening, both channels are going to have a lot of padding to do. The formal coronation ceremony begins at 11am UK Time (10pm NZT), but Charles will leave for Westminster Abbey 40 minutes earlier. The coronation ceremony involves the Recognition, the Anointing, the Oath, the Crowning and the Homage, roughly the same order as a birth plan. 

The coronation will be followed by a formal procession back to Buckingham Palace. Once there, members of the royal family will appear on their favourite balcony and wave at everyone. Expect to see lots of people in uniform walking in time (including members of the New Zealand defence force), plenty of horses and heaps of hats.

The lead-up to the coronation has been building

We’ll be keeping an eye on Prince Harry. Attending sans wife Meghan, Harry may be destined to sit in the naughty chair, which is probably located next to the portaloos and three rows behind Ant and Dec. There’ll be classics like Mr Bean and Posh and Becks, but also… Dynamo? Stereophonics frontman Kelly Jones?? Nick Cave??? 

As for the New Zealand contingent, keep your eyes peeled for prime minister Chris Hipkins dressed by Barkers, National party leader Christopher Luxon, governor-general Dame Cindy Kiro and Kingi Tūheitia Pōtatu Te Wherowhero VII. Richie McCaw, Willie Apiata and Abdul Aziz are also attending as New Zealand representatives.

We’ll be here updating you on everything from 7pm – fingers crossed we see Hipkins scoff down those last two sausie rolls just as the crown is placed on Charles’ royal noggin. 

Keep going!