Ahead of the much-anticipated release of Avatar 2: Way of the Water, our writers try and piece together what the first one was actually about.
On December 18, 2009 Avatar was released in cinemas, breaking about a billion box office records and diagnosing the entire world with a serious case of Na’vi fever. It became the highest-grossing movie of all time in 30 markets across six continents, set records for both 3D and IMAX, and would go on to win three Oscars. Just month after release, it was revealed that four Avatar sequels had been planned, with director James Cameron saying they would be “a natural extension of all the themes, and the characters, and the spiritual undercurrents” of the first film.
Over a decade later, with Avatar 2: Way of the Water finally set for release next week, The Spinoff writers try and piece together wtf actually happened in Avatar (2009):
‘What were those aliens doing when the humans logged out?’
My 3D glasses were faulty and I couldn’t get them to sit comfortably, so I mainly remember the movie being quite blurry and fiddling with the glasses the whole time. From memory, Sigourney Weaver taught people how to have their brain in an alien’s body, and then they went undercover among the aliens. Something to do with mining. I think they were trying to colonise their planet, perhaps, and wanted to learn how to defeat them, but it turned out the aliens were cool and everyone learned a valuable lesson. I never understood if the alien bodies they inhabited were artificial creations, like a big organic mech suit, or they were real aliens whose brain they took over somehow. What were those aliens doing when the humans logged out of controlling them – did they just sit there like a jacket draped over a chair? / Toby Morris
‘It looked like it had a million LED lighting strips hanging from it’
To be honest, my strongest memory of going to see Avatar in 2009 is of the red snakeskin carpet used in the spiral staircase at the Queen Street cinema. It’s a very confusing building and my journey to the cinema (or maybe leaving it) seemed to take as long as the film took to watch. Of the film itself, I remember Sigourney Weaver had shorts and a singlet on and I thought I should get more shorts and singlets because I was going through another “you should do something useful with your life and be a scientist” phase. The outfit still worked on her when she turned blue which is something I think she did? Yes, I remember now because even though the outfit was very scientist chic a la Laura Dern in Jurassic Park, I thought she would have blended in better with the blue people if she hadn’t been wearing shorts.
I do remember enough to know it was an allegory for colonisation and the destruction of the planet. There was a tree that was a goddess and it looked like it had a million LED lighting strips hanging from it. At this point I’m possibly confusing Avatar with another Weaver cinematic universe, but I think the humans who went undercover also slept in sleep pods? There was tail sex? I was very high when I saw Avatar and I haven’t watched it since. / Anon
‘Did they slowly blue themselves?’
I went to see Avatar during opening weekend in the IMAX cinema at SkyCity Metro. Joined by a group of four or five VERY COOL 18 year-old nerds, we loaded up on popcorn and frozen Cokes and took our excellent seats – towards the back, in the middle, booked well in advance. Alas, mere moments after those blue guys took the screen (are they blue at the start or did they slowly blue themselves?) the top of my head began to be pelted with droplets leaking through the IMAX ceiling, 30 metres above. The droplets weren’t just filthy and stinky roof water remnants, but the velocity at which they hit was so powerful that I got a big fright every time. Eventually, I had to move seats and sit right at the front, separate from my friends, and sulked behind my 3D glasses for the whole movie. All I remember is that they had sex with their tails, and maybe there was some kind of uranium on someone’s breath? / Alex Casey
‘Plugged into a tree for… weird sex?’
I remember them being plugged into a tree for… weird sex? If I’ve got that wrong, hugely embarrassing and rude of me. As for the main plot line, was it about a race of blue humanoid type creatures with pointy ears, little plaits and maybe scales facing a threat to their species or somesuch? Maybe that’s why they had to have tree sex. I mostly remember it being long and bad, and I stand by that. / Jane Yee
‘The evil action figure from Small Soldiers’
I watched Avatar in the otherworldly city of Lincoln, Nebraska. I remember being disappointed to be watching it on a smaller screen than Reading Cinemas. Sigourney Weaver wore some sort of khaki or denim knee-length short and Sam Worthington had a terrible accent. There were robot suits and a guy who looked like the evil action figure from Small Soldiers. I remember thinking it was basically the plot of Pocahontas (important trees?) and white people were trying to mine an indigenous land. Lots of actually quite cool colours in Pandora and a great Leona Lewis original song. Oh and docking tails?! / Mad Chapman
‘Michelle Rodriguez shows up in a bandanna flying a military chopper’
I know exactly what happens in Avatar. I know every single frame of that film like it’s the back of my dyed blue hand. I know the rare mineral being mined on Pandora is called Unobtanium. I know Sigourney Weaver is way too cool to be slumming it in Avatar. I know the film’s most badass moment is when Michelle Rodriguez shows up in a bandanna flying a military chopper. And I know the film’s nadir is when Sully tells a gigantic dinosaur he’s been fighting: “Get your punk ass back to mammy.” I know this because, just a few years ago, I was dared to sit through Avatar every single day for one awful work week. On one screen, I had my work. On the other screen, I had Avatar, the adult Smurfs movie, playing on loop.
Why did I do this? Revenge. Back then, an editorial decision was made that offered our small team of writers the chance to dare each other to do terrible things, then write about them. I made someone listen to the Nickelback back catalogue. I made someone else go to a Justin Bieber concert. In return, they made me listen to nothing but Max Key’s third single, ‘All the Way’ on repeat, then watch Avatar for five days. Now, when I hear the word “Avatar”, I shudder. I said it best back then, and I’ll say it again now: “Avatar hoodwinked us all. We were misinformed, distracted, doped up on the 3D hype train and out of our goddamned minds.” Four sequels? James Cameron, get smurfed. You’re utterly dreaming. / Chris Schulz
Avatar 2: Way of the Water is released on Thursday 15 December.