We’ve lost our Sunshine, our Cassie, and a lot of other girls whose names we can’t remember, but we’ve made it to our top three. Miriam Moore recaps the final episode of this season’s The Bachelor Australia.

We begin with Nick doing parkour on an oversized Australian tree, proving it’s not just girls, but also branches that he can jump between. His inner monologue stresses the challenge ahead, and there’s no messing about as we kick into Sophie’s date.

Sophie left the last episode not being able to express how she felt at the home visits, and goes into this date all feelings blazing. Always up for an adventure, the pair pull up into a yard full of planes that read “SKYDIVE”, where Sophie nonetheless asks what they are doing. Nick confirms the obvious, and admits he’s packed a spare pair of grunders and they soon take off into the sky.

It’s an exceptionally windy day, which leaves much opportunity for mid-air leg clutching. Nick is screaming and Sophie is screaming as Nick leans out, ready to jump from the plane. The door comes down suddenly, and it is deemed too windy for them to jump. 

Their date is cut short, and their skydiving adventure cancelled, a sure foreshadowing of what is to come this week. They come back down to earth and bond over their near-death experience, but if you ask me it seemed to have a well-rehearsed health and safety routine. Sophie continues to open up to Nick, admitting there are feelings aplenty.  

Brit starts the second date of the episode waiting atop a luscious green hill.  Nick pulls up in an ice cream truck that reads “creams of your dreams”. Wow. Ironically, he only serves Brit sorbet, which is the antithesis of creamy, and perhaps another foreshadowing of what is to come.   

Nick serves up the mango sorbet, jokingly stating that two scoops costs four smooches. If that was the case there are a whole lot of Bachelor contestants owed a lot of creams of their dreams. The evening progresses to a private session with a “trio of units” playing strings, where Brit and Nick romantically dance and smooch deep into the evening.  

Brooke comes in to her date apprehensive. And so she should be, it’s the weirdest shit I have ever seen. They paint half of a scene on each other’s chest in the shelter of a Sound of Music-like gazebo. When they come together in the mirror, the chest paint forms an image of a silhouette of a couple under a fruit tree and I physically gag on the burrito I am eating.  

The real reason for her apprehension is brought to light when Brooke asks Nick where his heart is at, as she is struggling to cope with two other girls still in the picture. Nick cannot even string together the words “I like you” which is ALL she wants. Brooke cries, and her apprehension grows.

A boring cocktail party then begins at the mansion. What was once a fun party but with no music is now four people awkwardly sitting in a corner with still no music. Take us back to the glory Vanessa Sunshine days. At the rose ceremony, Brooke suddenly walks out and demands to speak to Nick. She wants to hear those three words: I like you. Again the Honey Badger cannot say them. And with that, season frontrunner Brooke walks from the show.  

The finale takes place in New Caledonia, the show opening with a drone panorama of the natural heart shaped fields the island has to offer. Nick finally must choose which woman he wishes to grow old with.  

By this stage, both Brit and Sophie have admitted they are falling in love with Nick. Nick has invited his family to New Caledonia and both of them take their turn meeting his sister, two brothers and his dad.  

Nick’s sister Bernadette (from the alpaca episode) says she’ll be surprised if Brooke hasn’t made it this far. Well… surprise, Bernadette! Your brother demanded feelings from all the girls but couldn’t give any back, and that ship has now sailed! Nick explains (read: lies) that Brooke left because she missed her family, and introduces them to Brit and Sophie.  

Brit goes for a one on one chat with Bernadette, where she opens up about falling in love. She also comments that her biological clock is ticking, and wants kids within five years. This is something that sister Bernie questions.

The next day, brother Luke takes Sophie aside; by this stage we assume grilling a sibling’s potential lover is totally normal. She breaks down with raw emotion, admitting again that she’s falling in love. At the family debrief, Bernadette doesn’t think either is the complete package, and Nick is left with two final dates to make his choice.  

Sophie and Nick hit the beach for a bonfire where she admits she wants to yell her feelings off a mountain, saying it’s clear she’s falling in love with him and that’s “wild”. In his usual way, Nick avoids words with kissing. All he can muster up is “I’m glad you’re here”. I literally tell my Uber Eats delivery driver that every week.

Nick arrives by chopper to Brit’s date, where he invites her in. They find a treehouse in a forest and kiss. Later they share a cheese platter and Brit exclaims how glad she is that Nick just “fell into her life”, which is a weird way to describe the intense process each of them would have gone through in applying for the Bachelor.  

Brit confesses to Nick she is falling in love with him, and our classic Bachie responds with a kiss. Then he says, “oh my gawwwwwsh”, and awkwardly tells her their timelines don’t match. Despite having the exact same timelines episodes earlier.  

As the final two women prepare in their rooms for the big reveal, Osher reminds Nick that this is a television show and not a rugby field. He really should have reminded him earlier, because Nick’s tackled everyone out the way already, and now he’s at the end of the field with NO ONE LEFT.

That’s right. First out of the car is Sophie, who Nick tells he cannot give 100% of his heart to. Sophie weeps, and wishes him the best with Brit.

Cue Brit, who walks up to Nick only to be told exactly the same thing.

What. The. Hell. Does Nick even realise what he’s done to workplace sweepstakes, let alone the hearts of these two women? Brit says what we’re all thinking: “what a giant waste of time that was”. In her limo of shame, she learns that Sophie doesn’t yet know of this no-winner outcome. She demands to be taken to Sophie. When she arrives, the pair embrace, before Brit tells Sophie that neither of them got picked.

Sophie says, “Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my GOD sit down with me!”, which regardless of the situation is the intro to any good gossip session. I wish I was there for that bitching sesh. I’ve really fallen for the girls this season, and I wish them all the best. They have all gained an Instagram follower in me. As for Nick?

Nick came for love, and by the looks of it all he left with was a sunburn, 28 brokenhearted women, and a bunch of angry viewers.  #Wasteourtime2018.