Alex Casey power ranks the third week of Married at First Sight NZ. 

Hello and welcome back to Extreme Makeover: Man Edition, where every single MAFSNZ groom underwent a dramatic physical makeover in the name of love this week. Piripi shaved off his curls, Michael trimmed 0.005cm off his beard, James got a bodybuilder fake tan, Nathaniel started wearing sunglasses inside, and Jesse grew fur on his teeth and wouldn’t stop going on about it. Male beauty standards = getting out of hand!

Also, everyone cried so, so, so much. Is this the strongest representation of crying New Zealanders in any local screen production, ever? The bucket fountain waterworks were helped along by it being confessions week, which saw our couples open up and get a deeper understanding of one another. There was vulnerability, wobbly bottom lips, and fingers working overtime to stop mascara running. 

We also got our first dinner party and commitment ceremony, where one cavernous room served as the backdrop for both. Is it just me, or was this dinner unbelievably sexed up?! The “re-enact a porno” task, the body shot out of the bellybutton, not to mention that this shadowy silhouette entrance giving huge Naked Attraction energy? It’s enough to make anyone want to lie down and have a bloody kip a la Mike. 

But please don’t doze off yet, because rankings forthwith. 

SELF-ELIMINATED: Nathaniel and Madeleine

Turns out some relationship wounds can’t be mended by even the most gifted guinea pig reiki healer. Nate and Maddie had a massive bust up over him… laughing… when she asked when he wanted to have dinner. In an emergency counselling session with John and Jo, Nate revealed he has struggled to talk to Maddie because she insisted that everything they say be on camera. Some may say that’s “unhealthy”, but this expert says “that’s showbiz baby”.

In a last gasp attempt to save their marriage, they cracked open a thing of olives in Albert Park and asked each other hard-hitting questions such as “what was your favourite movie?” “what was the idea in getting your nails painted that colour?” and “what was it like growing up in Auckland?” Bafflingly, that approach didn’t work and they decided to call it off in the middle of the dinner party. Never found out what it was like to grow up in Auckland 🙁

5. CJ and Jesse

Oh cruel fate. We should have known by their dazzling white smiles last week that it would be a humble toothbrush that would bring these two down. Despite having the toothbrush fight relitigated on three separate occasions, I am still none the wiser as to what happened here. Here are the facts: they went to ‘The Tav’ and had a lovely time. They left ‘The Tav’ and Jesse bought a toothbrush from a dairy. Then, all hell broke loose. 

CJ thought it was weird that Jesse bought a toothbrush, Jesse thought it was weird that CJ thought it was weird that he bought a toothbrush, the experts thought it was weird that Jesse thought it was weird that CJ thought it was weird for him to buy a toothbrush. I thought it was weird that the experts thought it was weird that Jesse thought it was weird that CJ thought it was weird for him to buy a toothbrush. Don’t know why everyone’s so confused???

Before you could say “anti-cavity protection” the pair were having another really hectic fight, point-scoring and slinging insults at one another. Alas, the entire thing was captured off camera, forcing the poor old editors to use cutaway shots of the inside of the Northern Club that made it look like two faux sheepskin throws were going through a gnarly divorce after raising four healthy lambskin throws. Think of the children!

He wrote stay, she wrote leave, good luck one and all.

4. Stephanie and Piripi

A rocky start to the week after Stephanie accused Piripi of being “a boy’s boy” and Piripi asked when he would be getting his Beyblades back. But after watching each other’s audition tapes and opening up in letters, it felt like things maybe turned a corner. “It felt nice to be wanted,” said a tearful Piripi of his cheating behaviour in the past. “I didn’t feel very wanted when I was younger.” Calling it right now: he is the Tin Man of MAFSNZ. 

Despite both of them getting more vulnerable, I still have reservations about their compatibility outside of the experiment. She wants to have lots of babies, soon, and he has just enrolled in university for next year. But who am I to stand in the way of this kind of chemistry? 

3. Kara and Michael 

I should start out by saying that this is the number one ranked couple for good eating this week. First they got hand-delivered KFC to their apartment from who I can only assume was The Colonel’s daughter, then Kara poured potato and gravy all over her Zinger burger like a stoned teenager. Then they had lolly cake! All the while, their fellow contestants were fighting over the last Magnum and/or gnawing on either end of a toothbrush. 

The pair then snuck out for a top secret concert experience at Spark Area. “That is my guy to cry to,” said Kara of her mystery favourite artist. “The man knows how to write beautiful poetry,” nodded Michael. Whomst?! Charlie Puth famously performed in November 2023, right as MAFS was being filmed, AND it has famously since been declared that he should be a bigger artist. Being the award-winning journalist that I am, I had to know the truth. 

Sorry to that man who writes beautiful poetry, but I have never heard of that man. Speaking of men, Michael warbled on about “being in his masculinity” during the dinner party, before dropping a few more delightful pearls of wisdom. “Most people shy away from uncomfortability, whereas I’m at a point in my life where I search for uncomfortability,” he said, later sending  uncomfortability levels sky high when he mimed “furious masturbation” at the table. 

For all their banter and laughter I’m still not sure about the compatibility of these two: he talks a lot more than her in group situations, never seems to let her take the lead, and I’m not sure the physical attraction will ever be there. Uncomfortability levels remain high.

2. Jo and John

For all their banter and laughter I’m still not sure about the compatibility of these two: he talks a lot more than her in group situations, never seems to let her take the lead, and I’m not sure the physical attraction will ever be there. Uncomfortability levels remain high. 

1. Samantha and James

Perfect couple, no notes. 

Married at First Sight NZ airs Sunday-Tuesday on Three and ThreeNow.