In the midst of the most shocking news event of the 21st century, Shortland Street was trying out one of its most bizarre and ambitious storylines ever.
There’s a psychological phenomenon around 9/11, where tonnes of people have misremembered where they were when they first heard that a plane hit the World Trade Centre in New York City. A study found that 40% of people interviewed changed their recollections of the day as time went on. In more serious instances, people started to believe their own fabrications, even getting media attention for the close calls that never actually happened.
But there’s one person who could never get away with making up lies about where he was that fateful date, and that person is Dr Chris Warner.
As the world reckoned with the most shocking news event of the 21st century, Ferndale was dealing with a spectacle of a very different kind. Dr Chris Warner, dressed head to toe in gold lamé, having a swordfight with a Jack Sparrow-dreadlock-wig-wearing Dr Victor Kahu. The week of 9/11 saw Shortland Street come the closest it ever has to a full musical episode, as Ferndale premiered a one-night musical extravaganza of Sleeping Beauty.
Along with local boy band En Masse, this piece of our popular culture was rightly overshadowed by what soon unfolded on the other side of the world. For decades, these episodes have sat gathering dust, waiting patiently for the standing ovation they deserve. It was only when a Shortland Street publicist was chatting through their ambitious plan to upload the entire series to YouTube, year-by-year, that it came to me: “What happened on Shortland Street on 9/11?”
A couple of weeks later, I had the episodes in my inbox. I started with episode 2328, which set the scene for the calamity to come. We’ve got a lot of intergenerational tension brewing, with Joe (Rawiri Paratene) scolding his son Tama for getting paint on his hands. What Joe doesn’t know is that Tama was – gasp – tagging the side of the hospital. Marshall (Paul Reid) and mum Barb (Anne Whittle) are also at loggerheads about his terrible school report.
“You haven’t been using bodily fluids in your art again,” Barb barbs as she opens yet another damning letter from the principal.
Over at the hospital, Dr Chris Warner (Michael Galvin) is doing vocal warm-ups in the staffroom, and nurse Matt (Roy Snow) is fretting over the looming opening night. “There will be no more changes to the production, not now, not ever,” he barks at nobody in particular. “Meeee maaaaa moooooo,” bellows Chris Warner. Stress sizzles in the air: multiple cast members are dropping out with laryngitis, but Barb thinks a swizzle of Port “like Dame Kiri” will do the trick.
Soon, the stars of the show – “nobody famous, just doctors and nurses” – arrive at the theatre to prepare for the opening night of Sleeping Beauty. There’s a weirdly coded side story about Dr Victor Kahu (Calvin Tuteao) refusing to wear makeup – “aside from the obvious, it clogs the pores” – and the leads Chris and Rachel McKenna (Angela Bloomfield) are fighting and blocking a scene. “Prat” says Rachel. “There’s no point stressing, it’s just a musical,” says Chris.
But this is Shortland Street, and there is always a reason to stress. It is revealed that Barb, following the health advice of Dr Kiri Te Kanawa, is absolutely shit-faced on port and can’t open her eyes, let alone hit her marks. A terrified Judy Brownlee (Donogh Rees) is thrust into hair and makeup with mere minutes till curtain call. Stage manager Adam Heywood (Leighton Cardno) is called into ED, leaving his trembling assistant Waverly (Claire Chitham) in charge.
The scene is set for utter chaos, and September 11’s episode delivers.
“Remember everybody, just breathe through it,” says a frenzied Matt to the anxious cast backstage, each of them dressed like they are from a different universe. Toni Warner (Laura Hill) looks like she just walked off the set of The Tribe, Donna Heka (Stephanie Tauevihi) is dressed as Look Sharp Maleficent and Victor is pure Pirates of the Caribbean. As Donna welcomes everyone to the “golden kingdom” baby Lucas is also on stage, for some reason.
But all eyes are on Judy in the last minute role of Bad Betty. “But wait, beware, who is this here,” sings Donna, as Judy misses her cue. “But wait, beware, who is this here” Donna repeats, ever the professional. Finally, Judy crashes the party with a pillow for a hunch back and unleashes an incredible solo villainous number. “You are all here with your smiles and your blessings / now here I am to teach you all a lesson,” she sneers.
“No one thought about me as you’re gathered here today /
No one invited me – I will make you all pay”
While a star is born on stage, it’s chaos in ED. A bunch of foreign exchange students have arrived with burns and strange symptoms. To make matters worse, drunk Barb has returned home to find someone, or something, has ransacked her home. Dame Kiri looking for the port perhaps? No time to dwell. Toni races offstage to help out in ED, still in full Tribe makeup. “I’m not back on till the finale,” she says. Stretched healthcare system indeed.
Back onstage, Rachel is waxing lyrical about falling for two men – a shimmering in gold Dr Love and a glowering in guyliner Dr Kahu. “Who said it was a crime / to love more than one at a time,” she swoons. “What’s a girl to do, why can’t I have two?” It’s enough to get anyone misty-eyed, if not for the fact that the lads in ED now have diarrhoea and more. “We’ve got four fit healthy young blokes chundering their guts out here,” says Adam.
Nothing like diarrhoea to spur on a sword fight, as Chris and Victor then have a huge showdown to win Sleeping Beauty Rachel’s love. There’s also something that feels very close to a fairytale rap battle. “Together we made it through the vine / now its time to die coz beauty is mine,” spits Victor. “All your flash words and your fancy looks / don’t change the fact that you’re a crook,” replies 8 Mile Warner, before stabbing Kahu straight through the heart.
If this hasn’t been made abundantly clear, most of the episode really is following the onstage action of Sleeping Beauty, much like the Eras tour concert film. It’s all building up to the kiss between Chris and Rachel – the one part of the play they have refused to practise in rehearsals. “Oh beauty of mine, my jewel, my love,” croons Chris. “Farewell my dearest, dearest princess.” His lips touch hers, and then they start making out in an incredibly hard out way. She’s alive!
Reunited by true love’s kiss, Chris and Rachel sing a love song which I am going to take a wild guess is called “A Pot of Gold” (“I’ve found a pot of gold, it’s you,” sings Chris, “I”ve found a pot of gold, it’s you,” sings Rachel). There’s only one appropriate way to celebrate now, and that’s with Rawiri Paratene emerging in a bejewelled tunic. “REJOICE, REJOICE,” he bellows. “OUR KINGDOM IS OUR OWN ONCE MORE, RESTORED AS IT WAS BEFORE.”
But the kingdom of Ferndale is not as it was before. Rachel clearly has unresolved feelings for her ex Chris, and just intensely made out with him onstage in front of all her employees and her “sexy new” boyfriend Jack (Manu Bennett). In the next episode, which aired on September 12, she leaves all her troubles behind by sprinting out of the theatre to the airport, headed for the next flight out to Bangkok. Safest time to fly, in a way.
Click here to watch present day Shortland Street on TVNZ+ and vintage episodes here on Youtube