This is Auckland, where new money meets old. Alex Casey is going to try and laugh at The Real Housewives of Auckland through her weekly power rankings – because if we can’t laugh then all we have is the void. Click here for previous instalments.
1) This relatable woman is all of us at an event with free booze
We’ve all been there.
2) Anne Batley Burton
Anne is back at the top this week, and it’s not just because she let me pat all her cats and gave me champagne. Michelle dragged Anne to a hip hop class with none other than a few familiar faces from The Royal Family, the legendary queens behind this chilled-out, underground video clip. Truly, I didn’t know what Anne would do. Turns out it was basically this:
I don’t know what I was so worried about, especially given Anne’s previous life as an award-winning Latin ballroom champion. Those moves though…
“This is better than going for a back treatment!” she exclaimed after doing about 1.75 tortoise-speed twerks. Bless you Anne, may you continue to boogie your spray-tanned caboose off and cry deeply about how you thought Gilda was a gold-digger when she’s actually a heavenly being sent to this earth to write educational comic books for children.
3) Gilda Kirkpatrick
At first I was laughing to meself that Gilda had served what essentially looked like a jumbo pile of poo on a plate, until #realpod’s own Duncan Greive was served the very same decadent cake for his birthday:
It was delicious, btw. This shocking Gilda-related revelation was not the only one I had this week, reeling in this style-inspo find during a humble episode of Arrested Development.
Gilda’s Astarons book launch at The Jefferson looked sumptuous and a lot more fun than Angela’s tween Magic Mike soiree. It was probably because she painstakingly re-arranged the blue carpet 100 times and told all her lackeys exactly what to do to make her event… a cosmic success.
Also, this should be every woman’s mantra:
Take note, any male media commentators out there who might still be mislabelling kickass women as “bossy”.
4) Léa the intern
Léa. In the words of noted real woman Angela Stone, we’ll all look back at the time you crashed your car – and then nearly crashed your car again – on national television and laugh raucously. We’ll laugh until our throats run dry and our tears flow forth. We’ll laugh until we all turn to ash.
5) Michelle Blanchard
As per every week, Michelle came through with the heartwarming female friendship. First, she told everyone to shut TF up during Gilda’s book launch keynote address:
And then tried to telepathically communicate to Gilda when she forgot the lines of her speech:
The saviour.
6) Angela Stone
Angela Stone decided to theme her book launch as “all white”, which is a completely fine choice for a show that has had no racial controversies whatsoever. Luckily, all was forgotten when she rocked in with two shirtless children that she probably paid in chakra oils and one poncho between them.
NOW THIS IS HOW YOU ENTER A BOOK LAUNCH. There’s no doubt that this was the greatest literary event of our times, right from the shitty velcro tabs on this GIANT ANGELA STONE BILLBOARD…
… To Karen the Healer botching a classic quote
… To this nonsense speech that meant absolutely nothing
As if that wasn’t enough book launch debauchery, Angela then came in like a wrecking ball into Gilda’s launch the night after, sliding through the curtain mid-speech like:
7) Louise Wallace
“I certainly wouldn’t want to be married to a pauper” Louise declared this week, regarding Michelle and how she is allegedly rinsing hubby David of all his solid gold bannisters and AK-47 lamps.
Louise did a good job of being super huffy at Angela’s terrible book launch as well, chugging wine at the first opportunity as well as dropping this sweet bit of ownage:
She would have got away with all her book launch negging too, if Julia Groan hadn’t stepped in.
8) Colin Mathura-Jeffree
Shout out to Colin, always sticking it to the man be it Mike Hosking’s jackets or Angela’s strict all-white dress code.
666) Julia Sloane
*COUGHS SO LOUDLY THAT BIRDS FLY OFF A TREE IN THE SAHARA*
*ROLLS EYES SO HARD THAT I SEE MY PAST LIFE*
*DIES*
If you love devouring reality television as much as we do, be sure to check out UnREAL on Lightbox below. Trust us, you’ll never see reality the same again.
