Week four arrives full throttle with our most intense the Bachelor Australia episodes yet, giving the producers almost more airtime than the Honey Badger himself.  

In a twist about as surprising as Don Brash writing an opinion piece on te reo Māori being useless, three “intruders” find themselves arriving at the Bachelor mansion. We’re introduced to Jamie Lee, Britney and Deanna… or Daria, or Danica or whatever her name is.

The intruders are introduced via a group date.  The “originals” are not happy, and feel threatened by all except bonkers Britney who, due to a recent trip to Japan, knows how to say “konnichiwa”.

The group date activity is a Bachelor favourite – a made-up sport that doesn’t exist. This time it’s netball on a moon hopper. Brooke does not know what a moon hopper is, which is ironic as she is one of the youngest contenders. Why none of them are concerned that they weren’t prompted to wear sports bras I do not know.

The moon hopping soon turns into tackle rugby, where heart-of-gold Brooke tackles newcomer Jamie Lee to the ground. With the resulting attention Jamie is getting from nurse Nick, Cat states she would have broken both her ankles for a taste of it. Like any completely stable and sane human being.

Back at the mansion, the rest of the originals wait to meet the intruders. Jamie is absent, with her apparent ankle ploy seeing her on crutches in hospital. New Britney “is just the biggest weirdo” and gets the Honey Badger dancing and Deanna/Daria/Dina/Dino’s name remains just as irrelevant to the rest of the girls.

The next morning, Nick uses an elaborate and pointless Tim Tam metaphor to describe his joy at seeing Tenille on the side of the road for his next single date. As someone who’s never shared a Tim Tam from my packet, I cannot relate.

Nick and Tenille spend their date extracting bee honey. Nick states he’s never done it, but he’s going to act like he knows what he’s talking about. After all, what would charm a lady more than mansplaining honey extraction?

The intimate session on a decorative couch sees Tenille break her no-kissing-on-the-first-date rule after the pair bond over not knowing what the lunar cycle is. Word of the kiss does not go down well back at the cocktail party. Dressed as Mother Goose, Romy accuses Tenille of breaking her own kissing rule, which Tenille had apparently said was tacky, gross and yucky. She asks Tenille why she’s even on The Bachelor when Tenille gets up and moves away.

Season sweetheart Shannon tries to comfort a very upset Tenille. Romy comes over and yells “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO AGGRESSIVE” at Tenille, like all the non-confrontational people you know. Tenille runs away and partially disrobes in an attempt to get rid of her microphone.

All the Bachie staff chase her, and one savagely tries to get her to describe her feelings for Nick whilst she’s running barefoot through a forest. When Tenille caves and returns, all is okay because she is positively affirmed by the staff member that she is a “BIATCH”.

At the rose ceremony, the three “mediocre moles” or intruders get roses, sending originals Rhiannon and Ashlea home in a call that anyone could have seen coming.

In episode eight we begin with another group date.  Nick clearly doesn’t know that everyone at my girls’ high school would miraculously get an ear infection on swimming sports day, and decides to throw a swimming carnival.  The women are paired into houses with the intruders in the yellow house, affirming their non-threatening Hufflepuff status.

Another invented sport of beach ball bingo takes place in the swimming pool, where the girls must find numbered balls as they are read out. Emily impresses by finding the most balls for team red with Tenille. Cat shows her feisty side yet again, cheating and pulling legs underwater.  

Naturally, this event is followed by a Zorb race to decide who gets one-on-one time with Nick. Emily dominates and wins because Tenille can only manage to go backwards. They cuddle on a romantic poolside couch, this one with a Moroccan theme. Emily is cool, calm, collected and aware of the time is of the essence rule. She gets a rose and a smooch, which is an impressive feat for a prize date.

At the mansion, Brooke is chosen for the next single date. Cat states that she doesn’t care. Yet Cat is also livid and wants to give him an ultimatum and plans to fake cry when she talks to him at the cocktail party that evening. Cat is not long for this show, potentially.

Brooke and Nick arrive at a Balinese themed location. Imagine if Cat knew that part? The tears would be real.  They partake in a bizarre date, where they describe each other’s features and an artist draws them, without having seen the pair.  Brooke kindly describes the Bachelor’s hair as beautiful ringlets rather than gourmet two-minute noodles.

Nick and Brooke transfer to a Balinese themed couch to look at their picture, and the professional couch theming company must make a killing off this show.  The picture shows two generic people of their ilk, and they kiss over it, with Brooke receiving a rose, which by any other name would smell as dumb.

The next cocktail party is toga themed, where bonkers Britney is attempting to start a conga line despite there being no music whatsoever at these parties.  Nick walks in bearing some grapes, and no one reacts to Brtiney’s fire pun that they’re all going to have a “grape time”.

Tenille is taken aside by Nick, who like any good sportsman, asks her to use table props to see where some of the girls are metaphorically standing on the playing field. Tenille dramatically shoves the three candles (Cat, Alisha and Romy) into the “mean” category.

Nick proceeds to take Cat aside for a talk, where she excitedly exclaims “I thought the cocktail party was over!”. Oh Cat, it is. Nick explains that Cat’s behaviour is preventing him from finding him the girl of his dreams. Cat starts crying for real and I’m sure is mostly actually raging that she could have spent this time working on her business.

In a dramatic rose ceremony, Romy is the last to receive a rose with Britney (the new weird one) and Alisha being left empty-handed. Losing her sidekicks, Romy abruptly decides she doesn’t want to be there and walks from the show. And just like that, the three Queen Bees lost their Honey.