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Pop CultureNovember 12, 2015

Television: My Kitchen Rules NZ Power Rankings, Week Five – Simon Seduces a Panna Cotta

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Alex Casey delivers her contestant power rankings for week five on My Kitchen Rules NZ. This week: jelly meat is on the menu and Simon courts a panna cotta. 

Sorry about the delay, what a bloody week it’s been. Sister week! The ultimate showdown between Manawatu and Auckland. Kimberley and Brooke vs Katrina and Natasha, the Apiti Belles vs the Remuera Fancies. We sadly had to farewell Katrina and Natasha this week, which is a real shame because I was damn keen to see what other Paul Frank merch they had tucked around the place:

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Above what was happening in the fridge magnet department, the ‘biggest’ MKRNZ storyline this week actually unfolded in the Sunday papers. I’ve already said my piece about Katrina’s woefully exploited porn history, so now let’s plate up the rankings of the remaining contestants. And if it’s a little sloppy, just bung it in a metal cylinder or chuck in a sous vide bag. That seems to always works out.

1) Kimberley and Brooke

“Throw on a clean top and she’ll be right,” Brooke chirped, an attitude that shot them straight to the top of the rankings. I was so sure that these two would be sent packing this week, the majority of which I detected off ‘vibes’ and the rest from this CRAZY jelly meat pea circle of hell. If last week’s polenta was Spongebob Squarepants, then this pea disaster is a gritty grindhouse remake of Flubber:

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The sisters brought us to the lovely Makoura Lodge in lovely Apiti, where there are thousands of lovely wild animals running around to be eaten at any moment. They spent a reasonable amount of time pottering around with chickens and horses, and even teased us with this rogue jetpack fuelled by Gatorade.

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Driving 900 miles to the nearest supermarket that wasn’t staffed by a horse named Larry, the gals gathered all the lamb, venison and peas frozen peas their heart desired. Their instant restaurant was called ‘Bon Apiti’. “Little play on the old French” they chuckled.

“I’ve been reading up on pastry,” Brooke said confidently, presumably sitting on a wealth of pastry literature from The Long and Short Crust of It to Filo and Me. All they wanted to do was beat William and Zoe. “He’s such a… cocky…” Brooke trailed off. We know Brooke, we know. No need to hit the bottle.

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I will freely admit that these two are not the strongest home cooks here. They botched up the venison, which every MKRNZ fan knows always has to be the hero of the dish, the star, the change we want to see in the world. But who cares about venison when you are faced with these two angels who actually wear the terrible table props?!

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2) Jay and Sarah

All hail the reigning King and Queen of New Zealand. Jay proved his legend chops this week by fetching blankets for the table as all the women slowly froze in the cold barn like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. He also wore a shirt that was from approximately Pumpkin Patch, and still found a way to rock it. 

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Again, these two provided a relatable window into the high cuisine world, by not knowing what a galette was (a type of razor, duh) and being flummoxed by a large gourde in the corner of Brooke and Kimberley’s barn. Might as well burn the whole place down with this candle and dry grass set up, I guess. 

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These two continue to rock, and continue to dish out some of the best MKRNZ faces that free screengrabbing can buy:

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3) Lauren and Simon

There were two standout moments for these two this week. The first is Lauren’s weird new advertorial for Jetstar wherein she reveals her biggest fear (heights):

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And then only bloody conquers them!!

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Simon’s great moment came this week when he shared that he had never tried pana cotta before. “Hopefully it shows me a good first time,” he blurted out – realising moments after that he sounded like an absolute dessert pervert. I’ve seen American Pie, I know how this works Simon.

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4) William and Zoe

Let’s forget about the cooking for a second (I’ve never cared about the cooking) and examine how truly bonkers William went during the half time quiz at Bon Apiti. “Onyamarksgetsetgo” William shrieked, mouth frothing as he scrambled around with a pile of papers.

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Without a doubt, these two would be the utter worst to have on your pub quiz team. They’re the type of people who will second guess your 100% assured answer five minutes later, just to fuck with you. “Are you suuuuure that’s a T.I. song?” William would sneer, as your gut drops and you reconsider everything you ever thought you knew about the world. Well, William, it was a T.I. song – but thanks for making me change it to Lil Wayne despite it being my only good contribution all night*

Honourable mentions: 

Sad driver man

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How long did he sit in that car for? What did they talk about on the drive in? Did Ben or Gareth call shotgun or – gasp – did they both sit in the back? Who are you lonesome driver man? Who are you, really?

Ben Bayly’s sick kicks

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Check out these Beetroot Beezy’s by Baduzzi

*this happened to me two years ago and I still feel sick every time I hear ‘Whatever You Like’

Click here to watch My Kitchen Rules NZ on TVNZ Ondemand

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