Madeleine Chapman and her Aunty Henga assess the skills, builds, and tattoos in Game of Bros, Māori television’s reality quest for the ultimate Polynesian warrior.
On Wednesday morning I walked past Louis on my way to work and didn’t say anything.
Moving on. Last night Aunty Henga was called away from the dinner table to “come watch your favourite show,” to which she replied “I don’t know about favourite.” Seeing as Game of Bros is in fact the only show that Henga currently watches, it was a sick, sick burn.
This week’s theme was “Gift Giving”, a popular tradition amongst island cultures. The contestants first had to hold up heavy buckets of povimasima to test their strength. Could Henga do that? “Of course.” Although she did point out that “corned beef is a much better gift.”
The night’s main challenge was to make a gift of a clay sculpture. We knew immediately that the finished products would be hilarious and they didn’t disappoint. I asked Henga if she had ever made gifts from clay and she said “we never had clay, we had mud.” Close enough.
1) Thierry
Thierry was the night’s overall winner and proud new owner of fresh underwear, but his back story is coming down like a house of cards. In week two he said that his mum was known as the “Queen of the ocean”. This week he says his mum is the “Witch of the water.” Which one is it, Thierry? Is that even your real name? Are you actually faking that Samoan-American accent? I don’t know what to think anymore.
2) Iosefa
There wasn’t a lot of physical contact between contestants in this episode but Iosefa found a way. I suspect he only won the second challenge of tuna-fish-can balancing so that he had an excuse to hold everyone’s hands. Well played, Iosefa, well played.
3) Michael
Michael pre-empted his poor showing in the strength contest by mentioning his “old shoulder injury.” I too have an old shoulder injury that no one believes is real. Don’t worry Michael, I feel ya. He performed consistently well in all three challenges, though he set his sights quite low by choosing to sculpt some large rocks for his clay gift. Despite that, I very much enjoyed his Krispie-inspired sun.
4) Louis
Louis should have been eliminated for the same reason that James was eliminated last week – being too bots. He (understandably) laughed at Jordan’s clay sculpture but his own one was not too flash. So not flash that it landed him in the bottom two and made him question all of his past successes. To quote Louis himself, “are you seriously?”
5) Jordan
Jordan might have won the strength challenge and been affectionately referred to as the Kung Fu Panda by Michael, but his technique was questionable at best. It reminded me of when someone says that they can hold a plank position for five minutes and then you watch them do it and they look like a pyramid. As for Jordan’s clay face sculpture, Henga did not hold back. “Maybe there’s another word to explain it but for me it’s black and white. It’s either ugly or pretty. It’s not pretty.” Enough said.
NOT DISQUALIFIED – Ramon
Not disqualified but definitely going home. Poor Ramon. He finally ditched the Ludus attire and was immediately eliminated. You could also tell that he felt cheated because his sculpture was admittedly one of the better ones. But he forgot that after four weeks of wearing gym singlets, he came last in the povimasima strength test. Ramon’s departure also sadly concludes my shaming of Ludus for no particular reason #sorrynotsorry #gymlife #livelaughgym
As Aunty Henga methodically folded down Ramon’s page in the calendar, I asked her for her final pick. She had a look at the remaining five, made a muscle man pose and simply said, “Iosefa.”
Iosefa, you better win.
Game of Bros airs Thursdays 8pm on Māori television, click here for the rest of our GOB coverage