Tara Ward takes a deep dive into some of the most outrageous, cliched and batshit made-for-TV movies hiding away on ThreeNow. 

Sometimes things are so bad, they’re good. At Christmas I ate a lot of ham that was probably past its due date, but did I regret it? Once the cramps stopped, not one bit. It’s the same for the impressive collection of American made-for-TV movies buried deep on ThreeNow. The acting might be wooden and the plots completely ridiculous, but who among us can turn away from a thriller called A Wicked Vendetta about a fiercely beautiful ex-hostage negotiator whose teenage daughter is abducted by her personal assistant who is also having a secret affair with her husband played by Joey from Blossom?

Just me, then? Fine. You hold fast to your lofty current affair shows and award-winning dramas. I mean, Chernobyl was fine, but it definitely would have been improved with a kidnapping, a kitchen seduction scene and a finale that involved a villain being unexpectedly hit in the head with a shovel. I’m not arguing with the Hollywood Foreign Press (I am), but it’s time to shine a light on these incredible low-grade telemovies where the men are absolute turdbags and the women have copious amounts of hair and everyone says “something’s wrong, I can feel it”.

Be warned, the trailers for these films give away the entire plot. They remove any last shreds of mystery, but that’s life anyway, just a bleak sea of misfortune stretching out in front of us, all joy sucked below the surface so that we must wallow in a filthy whirlpool of turgid emotion for the rest of our days.

Forgive me, I’ve watched the trailer for A Mother Betrayed 22 times. It’s affecting me more than I realised.

Eruption LA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPO268YinPQ

Hahaha! Who’d be silly enough to build a city on top of a volcano? Who would do that? WHO? When a secret volcano under Los Angeles explodes, the hopes and dreams of four million people rest solely on the shoulders of a struggling scriptwriter. He has just four hours to save the planet from a sea of hot lava, with only a kooky scientist and a Hollywood diva to help him. Four hours! They’re all fucked, basically.

Fallen Queen

Meet Trevor, an unemployed musician and ex-beauty pagent judge who’s dull world is turned upside down by new neighbour Kayleigh. She’s a strumpet on a mission, seducing Trevor and kidnapping his daughter as payback for Trevor giving Kaylie a rubbish score on the pageant circuit way back when she was a blonde. Seems fair. Now Trevor’s marriage is up the shitter, his sex tape is dripping all over the Cloud, and his daughter is trapped in Kaylie’s warped pageant hellfire. Something’s wrong, I can feel it.

Absolute Fear

How deep are your fears? I usually find mine at the bottom of a jumbo box of Favourites. Cherry Ripes terrify me, while haunted visions about a trip to a desert island in search of your boyfriend’s long-lost father who worked on a secret government project that tested the depths of people’s fears puts the shits right up everyone in Absolute Fear. Let’s not fall out over who has it worse.

Dear Diary, I Died

Dear Diary, I died when I realised this movie doesn’t actually feature a diary. Sure, mobile phones have them, but can you even call it a diary if you can’t secretly unpick the padlock with a bobby pin and/or a sledgehammer? When aspiring actor Becca’s sister dies in mysterious circumstances, Becca dives into her sister’s phone in search of the truth. She goes undercover (ties her hair in a ponytail) to infultrate the Russian mafia, none of whom have ponytails, so make of that what you will. Also stars Katherine Kelly Lang from The Bold and The Beautiful, sadly without a kaftan in sight.

Sins And Seduction

Thoughts and prayers for Leslie, a commitment-shy Pastor who adores every member of her flock, even the weirdos.  It’s all sermons and sunshine until Leslie becomes the target of an obsessive parishioner called Gareth, who kidnaps his own wife, the church secretary (she bakes cakes, leave that angel alone), Leslie, Leslie’s boyfriend, probably even God herself, in a desperate attempt to prove he’s the man of Leslie’s dreams. LOLZ! He’s a piece of shit.

Deadly Shores

Rich and beautiful Anna marries a bloke she’s known for three months because he “won’t take no for an answer”. Oh, Anna. No amount of snazzy knitted headwear will change the fact that Anna’s hubster is a gaslighting wanker who makes her live in a haunted lighthouse on a remote island so he can plot her mental breakdown with his lover who secretly lives in a tower. What’s with his blind dead first wife’s cane popping up in random places? My nerves can’t take it. I am Anna in a white flowing nightgown screaming “SOMEBODY HELP ME” to the dark ghosts of the past. Save me. Save me now.