With less than two weeks until the premiere of The Bachelorette NZ, Alex Casey runs through the full list of male suitors. 

We’ve got less than two weeks until The Bachelorette NZ starts on TVNZ and I am bloody fizzing. Without getting too ahead of myself, I am convinced that this will be the best reality TV show New Zealand has ever made. The Bachelorette is a DOCTOR! The show is going to be hosted by ART GREEN. They are staying in Eric Watson’s MANSION. 

The show has also somehow wrangled 22 Bachelors to suit up, accept roses and talk about their feelings, something that New Zealand has been trying to do since at least early 2017. And, as of this morning, the full lineup has been announced. Because it is my civic duty, I read each of their bios and stalked all of them on Instagram to show you who is worth keeping an eye on. 

22) Elliot Gilchrist

Whomst? From Wanaka. Does magic tricks. As a result will likely make himself disappear quite early on this competition. 

Insta? Abracadabra. Content warning: first pic posted is him getting an ass tatt. 

21) Terence O’Brien

Whomst? Hope he brought a spanner with him, because this Waipu builder is one LOOSE UNIT. Describes himself as “technically” homeless, has “work hard, play hard” tattooed on his bum, loves Nutella and turtles. Looks like Tom Batchelor… Bachelor? Full circle. 

Insta? Work hard, play hard, don’t look too hard. 

20) Glenn Richards

Whomst? A personal trainer at Les Mills who is hoping to woo Lesina with his rock hard abs. 

Insta? Private, but I’m going to ahead and assume contains muscles. 

19) Brendan Vanstone

Whomst? Electrical service technician with a helicopter licence and an incredible sense of honestly. “I’m not too worried about The Bachelorette side of things, if that works out, great, that’s awesome. But just the road going there, if that led on to some other avenue, just something to change my life a little bit, the mundaneness.” 

Insta? Maybe this? I thought this guy would be an aspiring influencer based on the above, but at time of writing has 2 followers and posted this random photo of PS1 seagulls. Intriguing. 

18) Marcus Mannex Kingi

Whomst? Extremely intrigued by his career as a bungy Jump Master at AJ Hackett Queenstown, extremely worried that he’s only had one high school relationship. 

Insta? It’s here if you can hackett aka don’t have a fear of heights. 

17) Daryl Habraken

Whomst? I’m sure Daryl is a great guy, but ancient wisdom dictates that you must immediately run far, far away from anyone who hosts a podcast, including me. The rules are the rules. 

Insta? Voila! Biggest reveal of all is that he appears to be the voice of “know how, can do”, which is nearly as cool as doing the “oh yeah” that the penguins do at the end of the Expol ad. 

16) Steve Masters

Whomst? Quit his job as an account manager to go on the show, is quoted as saying “My main priority is a wife” which is full on and also Borat. 

Insta? Take a geeze. He’s ready and waiting for his wife. 

15) Logan Carr

Whomst? Ooooh la la at this travel agent and brand ambassador who is originally from France. Looking for “someone who looks at me like I’m amazing and I’ll look at them the same way” lol. 

Insta? Regardez. 

14) Clayton Turner

Whomst? Graphic designer who recently relocated from Australia to smalltown New Zealand. His fun fact is that he and his father are the last living descendants of their family in the Torres Strait. “There is no one in my family that is looking to continue our blood line,” he explains. No pressure Lesina! 

Insta? Not a peep online. Mysterious 

13) Flynn Palmer

Whomst? He’s a model, a student and an athlete. He’s also wild, he’s a card, and he’s the the ZM Wildcard. Sadly, in reality TV that means probably not the winner. In the immortal words of Chrystal Chenery, “you’re the wildcard – you need all the help you can get.”

Insta? Here it is ya perve! Showcasing many versatile modelling looks from big-boofy-sleeve-weaver to Chris Lilley cosplay to blush blush and more blush. 

12) George Hellriegel

Whomst? Jewellery salesman from Dunners who is presumably coming for Michael Hill’s crown. Interesting that we have one contestant with ‘hell’ in their surname and another with ‘christ’, no? 

Insta? Seems pretty crack up. 

11) Marc Johnson

Whomst? Legit sounds like he was created in a Mills & Boon lab via being both a chocolate maker, an ex-stripper and a single father to an adorable toddler. 

Insta? Here’s Magic Marc. No chocolate to be seen but definitely the beginnings of a strip routine to ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine. 

10) Liam Cochrane

Whomst? Aussie Aussie Aussie! Born in Hawke’s Bay but now lives in Perth. Thinks he is a long lost Hemsworth brother. Seems like an utter beach bum larrikin, but then admits to holding gratitude circles with his friends. Will undoubtedly be good TV so hopefully sticks around. 

Insta? Oi oi oi!

9) Jesse Williamson

Whomst? Radio lad who has worked for Hauraki, ZM and appeared on First Dates New Zealand. Also only lad to choose two celebrity crushes (Jennifer Aniston and Mila Kunis). Seems nice enough but also screams industry shoulder tap. “I have no expectations,” he says. “I don’t even know who the person is, so it’s a big leap.” 

Insta? Inquiries from Jennifer Aniston and/or Mila Kunis only

8) Quinn Ryan

Whomst? Sheet metal engineer who races stockcars and was born with one kidney. I wonder if he knows Jordan from Married at First Sight NZ? Might have to adjust my mindmap. 

Insta? Vroom vroom. Very wholesome Heath Ledger quote, probably here for the right reasons. 

7) Dominic Palfrey

Whomst? Sales consultant with a British accent. Hasn’t watched The Bachelorette before – why have none of these men never watched The Bachelorette before??? Has been Travelling on a Journey of self-discovery and admits to feeling “a bit lost” without someone to share his life with. Brave enough to admit he wants to marry Emilia Clarke even though she is the positively geriatric age of 35. 

Insta? Hoo roo. Appears to be working in Bondi at the moment so prob not a winner. 

6) Tavita Karika

Whomst? It’s only bloody Tavita from Heartbreak Island season 1 who stole some cheeky pashes and was criticised for being “too muscly” (same). A crucial factoid from his bio is that his celebrity crush is Mila Kunis, and that he watches Family Guy just to hear her voice. 

Insta? Please only click if you are Meg from Family Guy. 

5) Conor Orsbourn

Whomst? This senior career is a serial monogamist looking for three things in a partner – someone fully vaccinated, with personality and intelligence. Dr Lesina should have more than enough good vaccination chat for his liking, no? Fun fact: MMR stands for Mmm Mmm Romance. 

Insta? Ta da

4) Jonathan Wedge

Whomst? I’ve got two words to say to you here: Mr. Wedge. This Auckland designer is absolutely ready and waiting to tie the knot, which means that if you are willing to marry him and take his name, you’d be Mrs Wedge. And then you’d probably eat free at Dominos for the rest of your life and would be happy forever.

Insta vibe? Here you go. Big fan of this free Monster energy moment in Austria, and this, perhaps the furthest away from the camera that a single human has ever been in a photograph. 

3) Aaron McNabb

Whomst? Wholesome as hell food tech teacher who is looking forward to wining and dining our Bachelorette. What do kids make at food tech these days? I remember a LOT of wedges. Jonathan will probably be threatened but that’s what you gotta do to (Mc)nab(b) a top five spot.

Insta? Fresh out the oven. Not a lot of clues but extremely enamoured with him watching Survivor (reality TV fan) and having a “snaccident” (bread rolls, chocolate, Tim Tams). 

2) Tyler McKendry

Whomst? Another personal trainer who owns and runs his own business in Christchurch but needs help with the one muscle he can’t fill alone – his heart. Got a good feeling about this one, especially the mention of striving for a love story just like Art and Matilda. 

Insta? Fill ya boots. Look at this jacked brain. 

1) Kurt Johnston

Whomst? He’s a hopeless romantic, business development manager and big time Warriors merch collector. Loves to bake when stressed out and answered all his questions extremely earnestly and thoughtfully. Is recently heartbroken. Has never watched The Bachelorette before. All very, very promising signs. 

Insta? Here you go. Most importantly met Post Malone at Burger King.