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Pop CultureMay 16, 2017

The Bachelor NZ Power Rankings – Optic White can’t save you now…

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Alex Casey tackles the ninth week of The Bachelor NZ, including paddle boards, rejection and some gnarly dads.

Just like Zac, I too have a pain in my heart and a pain in my stomach – and not just because I’ve been eating at least a tube of Colgate Optic White a day to try and look like Matilda Rice.

We are nearly at the end of our Bachelor journey, about as close as wee Zac Franich got to making his competitive kayaking team before he had his dreams snatched away from him.

Despite a shocker of a spoiler from The Haus of Bachelor themselves, this was a pearler of a week for one reason and one reason only: the families. Ooh, and the sexy dates. The sexy, sexless dates.

1) Viarni

I think that Viarni has got this one well and truly in the bag. The small, pale pink, Angela Daniels bag. She didn’t stay for the overnight date, but she did get some very good one on one time with this strange misshapen lemon and/or gourd.

[Okay nerds stop screaming, I get it, it’s a quince.] 

Zac beached himself on the shores of Mt Maunganui like an unidentified Indonesian sea monster to meet Vee and her Vendetta, and when I say Vendetta I mean family and friends. If you have any doubt in Viarni, I present to you the anti-poker face: The Zac Franich Grin.

Before they manu’d straight into the deep end, the pair had a relaxing paddle board courtesy of Viarni’s brother’s company with an extremely confronting name:

Viarni also wore jean shorts in the ocean, which was Final Destination-bait considering that the first rule of the sea is to never rock denim in water. Thank god she had the head coach of the Orewa surf lifesaving club at her side.

The highlight of Viarni’s home visit was, head and shoulders above the rest, her rocker dad. Did I say rocker? I meant Riddling Bard of The Mount:

Five stars, would father-in-law again.

If you like The Bachelor NZ, you gotta kayak over to The Real Pod, our weekly reality TV/real life recap podcast. Subscribe here on iTunes.

2) Lily

There’s no denying that Lily’s “overnight” (home before sunset) date with Zac was friggin’ emotional. But look at this beautiful shot! It’s Mad Men! It’s Michelangelo’s Pietà! It’s HIGH ART (talking of art and esteemed knowledge, buy a ticket to this cool Bachelor finale event imo)

My doubts with Lily all come back to Zac’s main concern re: that he will be holding her back from rockin’ in the free world. He reiterated that point again during hometowns, where they visited her family’s enormous and suspiciously for sale Eastbourne home. Her family rocked heaps, and look at this power couple:

Lily is looking for a place to settle and call her own, but Zac doesn’t want to cage the butterfly. Might I suggest a compromise….

During their alone time the pair enjoyed two of Lily’s favourite things – motorbikes and wine – which means that probably everyone involved in production should go to jail via hospital. What was up with this peen POV shot btw? 

Although she’s a larrikin/butterfly/Chilis fan, Lily has her doubts too. This was probably best expressed here on the beach, when she said maybe the most emo thing I’ve ever heard in Bachelor history.

Welcome to the black parade.

3) Claudia (ELIMINATED)

BwwwaaaaAAAaaaaaHHhhhhhh this was very intense and made me feel very bad.

Claudia gave her final week with Zac her absolute all, taking him to Taka’s finest eatery ‘Regatta’ and showing him the beach because she thinks he loves the beach.

Remind you of anyone?

Claudia’s family was the sweetest thing ever, ft. klassic kaftan mum and Quiksilver-wearing bro. But the pièce de résistance was her gnarly dad, Steve, who was frigging OBSESSED with Rosmini school and the fact that Zac went there.

Even though Claudia got the special dinner with the special bald chef, it wasn’t enough to keep her in the running to be New Zealand’s Next Top Smart Tea Instagram Model. Lucky she got to meet this cool-seeming guy though…

Goodbye, sweet Claudia. May your waltz stay smooth, may your hair remain platinum, and may Rosmini’s enrolments continue to skyrocket.


All I’m saying is… both Zac and Viarni turned their backs to the camera this week. That’s all I’m saying. That’s it.

These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:


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